Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Snarkness on the Edge of Town

So. I'm alive. Fat, furry, lactose intolerant, but singing like a motherfucking rooster at sunrise.

Well, not singing really. And definitely not at sunrise. This would be a more accurate picture of the Friedman house at sunrise:

ME: (re baby monitor) I'm pretty sure he said mommy.
WIFE: Yeah, maybe. But he said daddy first.
ME: Maybe he'll just fall back to sleep. Besides, he hates me.
WIFE: You know his pajamas are soaked with urine.
ME: Yep...he said mommy. I definitely heard mommy.

Because that's how a world-famous blogger rolls, bitch. We don't change urine-soaked pajamas, we don't fix our spam filter and we sure as shit don't post in order to reassure people we didn't die undergoing cancer surgery.

Especially when that surgery was in December.

Now, if I was to write about my cancer surgery (which I'm not), it should be understood that the closest I'd ever come to surgery previously is the opening montage on Nip/Tuck. Which, if truth be told, is coincidentally the exact time in each episode I go pee.

But I will say that part of Surgery Morning went like this:

I leave the wife in the hospital waiting room and change into the hospital gown for pre-op flight check. Blood pressure (elevated, motherfucker, wouldn't yours be?), pre-op pee (three times), and the application of some very striking panty hose to keep blood clots from forming and bursting in my brain. Which, I gather, is bad.

In comes the anesthesiologist: a bright looking young boy of fourteen whose name escapes me right now but I'm fairly sure was some form of "Jimmy." He starts joking with me about finding a vein for my IV and I swear to God the nurse behind him makes that universal "he's stoned" toking sign with her fingers.

At this point my mind goes back to my previous surgery experience and I wonder why on Nip/Tuck it's Roz the anesthesiologist who turns on that fancy B&O stereo for the surgery montage. Is she choosing that music? It's so ironically appropriate for the surgery at hand so you think it'd be the doctors, and yet, that Roz...she has such an air of ownership with that thing...

I refocus on Jimmy the Anesthesiologist.

JIMMY: I'm gonna give you something to relax you now.
ME: When you say "relax me" do you mean "take the edge off" or "count backwards from 100 and try not to float to the light."
JIMMY: I mean the second one. Anything else you need?

Now, I guess if I'd have thought about it, I might have requested my wife come back for one last reassuring hand squeeze or something like that. Here's what I say instead:

ME: Will there be music? There's always music.
JIMMY: Your surgeon doesn't much like music.
ME: (disappointed) Oh.
JIMMY: Why? You have any requests?
ME: Is there...a request line?
JIMMY: Hit me with it. I'll see what I can do.
ME: Springsteen. Born to Run.
JIMMY: No problem.
ME: Seriously?
JIMMY: No problem.

Now there are people in this world--we all know them--when they "no problem" what they're really saying is..."I am gonna say whatever I can to make this yahoo stop talking to me so I can go about my business of fucking him over." "No problem" is the everyguy's version of putting on the shiny flightsuit and posing on the aircraft carrier. You can choose to be reassured by it, but you'd be an asshole.

But then there are a few--we're lucky to know them--when they say "no problem" what they really mean is...

No Problem.

(By the way, in Hollywood these people are almost always assistants. They make three hundred dollars to work a sixty-hour week, they're immensely overqualified, and you know their parents are lying to their friends about why their daughter graduated third in her class at Yale and spends her day stocking Diet Dr. Pepper in the office mini-fridge. Or, in the case of my agent's assistant, tracking down episodes of America's Next Top Model for an unnamed client whose fucking Tivo refuses to prioritize the Season Pass correctly no matter how many fucking calls have been made to said client's Tivo Service Representative.)

So I ask for Springsteen's Born to Run and he says no problem. And perhaps you're wondering whether I'd thought about this ahead of time or whether this just popped out of my mouth. Because, again, as I've mentioned in earlier posts...without being morbid about it--if I was gonna get some music before I went under...there was a chance that this would be the last thing I ever hear.


But, you know, who knew at the time? Most of us aren't gonna commit capital crimes either but I can't be the only one who's figured out what my last meal on death row would be, right?

(Which, now that you ask, is a Family Size box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.)

Blog disclaimer: The makers of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese and its associated family of food products do not condone nor would they ever encourage capital crime. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese has never been convicted of a capital crime and should not be considered a possible agent of capital crime. And they certainly do not appreciate funny letters sent to them which may suggest an ad campaign centered around celebrity inmates and their desire to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese as their final meal. They really think that's stupid.

So it's Springsteen's Born to Run and it's no problem, he says. I honestly can't remember if I'd thought it out much before but I do know that in the time since, I haven't heard a record and thought "Shit! That's what I should've asked for." Now, I grant you I haven't had a chance to really huddle down in my basement with the liner notes to Nick Lachey's "What's Left of Me" and crank that fucker up. So...you never know.

But I ask for Springsteen and Jimmy says no problem and that's all we say about it. I do wonder momentarily if, assuming I survive, requesting The Boss as The Last Sounds I Hear on Earth will affect my chances of becoming his close friend, colleague and collaborator. I quickly reassure myself that it'll probably be something we'll laugh about when we're drinking and will in no way come across as either creepy or cloying.

Of course, what I'm really thinking is this: This person is about to knock me out. This person and nobody else will be in charge of monitoring me during surgery and making sure that when it is time to bring me back to the land of the living that I am actually living and can be brought back to that land. And what I'VE asked this man to concentrate on, to focus his energies on...IS FINDING ME A FUCKING RECORD TO PLAY WHILE I'M FALLING ASLEEP.

I drifted off in the pre-op room. I don't remember them wheeling me down the hall. There were no faces floating over me, no reassuring nod from my surgeon, or the nurses, or whatever it is I'd seen on television. I'm sure I'd forgotten my request.

I only remember this: the large bright overhead light of the operating room; the sense of being in a large space; and the unmistakeable sounds of Ernest "Boom" Carter's drums as they drive the introduction to one of rock and roll's great songs of Escape. Carter would leave the band after recording Born to Run, his only song on the album. Did he know he was playing himself off the stage? Would he have done it any differently, had he known? Would any of us?

I wrote a while ago that I debated ever writing about any of these events. Despite strong evidence to the contrary, I'm not such a starving narcissist that I'm compelled to wring a drop of sympathy from a bunch of strangers. I am such a starving narcissist that I'm compelled to keep writing this blog, if for no other reason than to have a place to thank those who EVERY DAY become the most important person in someone else's life.

Let us take a moment, then, to consider the few, who, despite having much better things to do with their time, think it's a worthwhile endeavour to answer all requests "No Problem."

Consider yourselves considered.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

WTF is a Springsteen?

5/09/2006 9:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And WTF are you doing blogging when American Fucking Idol is on? Is this why those No Problem-ers saved your ass? So you could spit in the face of an American institution?

5/09/2006 9:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I use you as a character witness??

5/09/2006 9:27 PM  
Blogger Pooks said...

I'm glad you still get something out of writing this blog.

And I'm glad you're still around to write it.

Rock on.

Now go change that kid's jammies before I report you to the report-people.

5/09/2006 9:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Prince YIPPEEYAHOO! My new name for ya. :-)

Good to have you back.

5/09/2006 10:55 PM  
Blogger Wes said...

Welcome back -- the blogosphere is once again just a little bit brighter. Or I once again have a little extra reason to blow off my own writing. Either way...

5/10/2006 12:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad you're writing again and that the surgery went well.

Now will you please reverse the white-on-black colors of your blog so that I don't give myself a migraine every time I try to read it?


5/10/2006 2:05 AM  
Blogger Texaco said...

I'm trying for the life of me to think what a good jewish mother would say. First of all, I don't want to be too excited that you're still sucking in air lest the evil eye gets you. But also, in light of your post, I should minimize it with something cheerful, right? WTF. Your poor wife.

Well, at least you had the sense to miss AmeriCANNED Idle.

5/10/2006 2:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great to hear from you and glad our surgery went well!

5/10/2006 3:30 AM  
Blogger Mone said...

sometimes the mind just NEEDS the music, I'm selfish enough to say that I'm glad that you are back blogging!

5/10/2006 3:46 AM  
Blogger Sam said...

Josh, it's great to hear from you again. Let's keep it up now, ya hear?!

5/10/2006 4:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ever since seeing the William Hurt/Christine Lahti movie “The Doctor” back in the early ‘90s, I always expect surgeons to operate to the sounds of Jimmy Buffet’s “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw.”

5/10/2006 5:16 AM  
Blogger Godsbane said...

You see, being as good as you are, you can toss us little scraps like this every now-and-then and we'll still lick our lips and sit up begging for more.

That's... Supposed to be a compliment.

Can't wait for the upcoming September Edition of your blog mate. Thanks.

5/10/2006 6:54 AM  
Blogger sefi said...

Glad to see you're alive. Your blog is so funny and insightful. You should just put this all into a book or something. :) Glad you're still writing.

5/10/2006 7:19 AM  
Blogger Joshua James said...

Welcome back, Friedman -

Heaven would be Born To Run's Springsteen (with an honorable mention to Rosalita) - if I believed in heaven, that's what it would be.

Then again, if I drifted off and awoke to the dulcet tones of Culture Club's "Do YOu Really Want To Hurt Me" I probably wouldn't be in heaven, if there is one, I would probably be in the other place.

Luckily, I don't believe in that stuff. Still, it's the kind of thought that gives any reasonable person pause.

I'm so glad you're okay and writing here again.

5/10/2006 7:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This? Made me cry. I love that Jimmy.

I missed you!

5/10/2006 7:55 AM  
Blogger Dean ASC said...

I probably would have chosen 'The Wall', 'Dark Side Of The Moon' or 'Pet Sounds'. You know, music that would really take advantage of the "something to relax you" and the "count backwards and try not to float into the light" effects.

5/10/2006 8:56 AM  
Blogger Josh Lamkin said...

Josh, I'm glad you're alive. Now please write another movie I like as much as War Of The Worlds. Get well soon...if you're not well already.

5/10/2006 9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

welcome back dude, as always, it's worth the wait. (cue the drums) 'cause tramps like us, BABY and alla that. . .

5/10/2006 9:31 AM  
Blogger The Dancing Kids said...

glad you're back. Missed you on the ol' RSS.

5/10/2006 10:00 AM  
Blogger Scoopy said...

A new post. So gratifying. Thank you!

I don't know about other assistants, but I've traded in "No problem" for "You got it."

I needed a change, and it's a little punchier.

5/10/2006 10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't read your blog in awhile, and am so relieved I didn't come back to find:

Husband. Father.

5/10/2006 11:22 AM  
Blogger BTL said...

Interesting. Makes me wonder if a lot of people would have picked either 1) A comforting song, say, Elton John, or 2) The song that they felt should be playing on the soundtrack of the movie of their life during the fade out. But I like that you picked what you really wanted to hear.

(Even if I fucking hate Springsteen)

5/10/2006 12:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lame. Cliché. Weak.

5/10/2006 2:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my friend is one of those underpaid, overqualified assistants. A few months ago she called me late in the day. "Guess who I just saw?!" she said. I asked who, expecting her to say Keanu Reeves or Brad Pitt or something.

"I just saw Josh Friedman!"

you've got quite the following.

5/10/2006 3:06 PM  
Blogger SteveTP said...

Just thought i'd add that Bruce's new CD is freaking fantastic.

Makes me want to get ripped and drive really fast on backwater country roads with a trunk fulla shine. and i mean that in a good way.

5/10/2006 4:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So excellent to have you back, alive and entertaining us all. I'm stuck on a remote island in the pacific (so remote, in fact, it only has dialup internet) and working all day, it's great to hit that link (like I do everyday) and actually see a new post! Please, don't wait until the new year to post again.

5/10/2006 7:25 PM  
Blogger Systemaddict said...

next time you're told that baby has urine soaked clothes...

"No problem."

...Should suffice.

5/10/2006 7:34 PM  
Blogger lavonne said...

Phew. I was just thinking I should Google your name and see if there's an obit. Now I don't have to.

5/10/2006 11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good to see you back.

i hate being put under.....some of the most horrific nightmares i have ever had were whilst under anaesthisia.

5/11/2006 3:52 AM  
Blogger Unsigned said...

hmdeozI missed you, but an out of character blog.

Surgery hasn't changed you, has it Josh?

5/11/2006 9:29 AM  
Blogger islaygirl said...

glad you're back -- i found you while you were on hiatus, and was afraid i had missed my chance.

5/11/2006 10:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're going to plumb the surprising depths of Nick Lachey?!?

I'm going to to "Moondance" by Van Morrison (the song, though the album is all killer as well), or something by Sinatra from the Capitol years.

5/11/2006 11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


#1.) "Because that's how a world-famous blogger rolls, bitch...., and we sure as shit don't post in order to reassure people we didn't die undergoing cancer surgery."

I'm Laura's personal assistant, her hands are in detention from 'As Bad As I Wanna Be', she dictates...


You've now been placed onto the muggle black list for not giving a shit. You suck sooo big time - all muggle clappers must refrain from muggle clapping! May you choke and gag on your next basket of free bread.

#2.) "Especially when that surgery was in December." So this 'norm' asks, then why the fuck post that bullshit sob-story in March - douche bag...

no x's & no o's

Sully 13 & LL

5/11/2006 3:02 PM  
Blogger josh said...

sully 13 and Laura--
the march post was never meant to suggest the surgery was anything but in the past. one of the first couple posts about my cancer said I had surgery at the end of December. I didn't mean to suggest I was having or had a second surgery. In fact, I've bent over backwards not to leave people in suspense over my health--hence "Broken Clock Part Deux" written so close to the first one.

All I meant this time was that it seemed bizarre to me that anyone would think I was in a bad way since the only surgery I had ever referred to was months ago. But I ran into somebody last week who, being a recent blog viewer, hadn't read the earlier ones and thus assumed the worst. Hence the most recent post.
sorry for any misconstruviations,

5/11/2006 3:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Again, as Sully 13 takes dictation from Laura,

I'm picturing Napolean Dynomite... Josh, "Fiiine, gosh."

All muggles may resume applause and I'll retract the:
- "choke and gag on the free bread"
- "why the fuck"
- "bullshit sob-story" &
- "douche bag"

Many apoloigies for not speaking like a more refined lady, but ya got my gut on that. :)

many X's & more O's

xoxoLL (oh, and Sully 13):)

5/11/2006 3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear son,

I am now confused by your very recent exchange with Laura and her scribe. Since when did you ever feel compelled to correct anyone's impression of you or your actions? I have never seen you do that before. Have you now joined the majority of people in this world that acutally care about what others (even strangers) think? I hope so, but tend to doubt it.

Additionally, did you mislead us in March --- telling your mother and me that you had to have some more surgery and needed us to watch our grandson for a week. If I had only known the truth -- that you and our daughter-in-law were off vacationing somewhere --- I would have charged my usual babysitting fees. Still, I join (if not lead) the others in feeling grateful for your recovery.

Lovingly trying to stir the pot, as usual,


5/11/2006 5:17 PM  
Blogger Ross Richie said...

Good on ya, Josh. GREAT to have you back!


5/11/2006 5:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

good to have ya back. Cancer cancer blah blah blah. The ending is already written, and once I know the ending it's hard for me to get into the story. Let's get back to the monkey business. Sorry if I seem pushy. I'm just ungrateful, that's all.

5/12/2006 1:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've got 20 bucks that says, at some point, Samuel L. Jackson says "Don't... move!"

5/12/2006 2:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To Josh's confused father,

As dictated to me, Sully 13, Laura's personal assistant until the 14th, man I wish someone had a 'get out of jail for free' card, 'cause I'm tired! :).

"I am now confused by your very recent exchange with Laura and her scribe." "....(even strangers)"

Sir, with all due respect, we are so not strangers, we are correspondents with whom we write to and read for.

Any of "us" will tell you that we look forward to 'our' cyber bloggers as well as each personality responding, bantering, bickering, and thus look forward to comprehending sarcasm, passionate points of view, and each writer's 'way(s)'.

The term 'strangers' is so "dried toast". :(

And if I am the sole recipient, thus far, in receiving the honor in having your son acutally show that he can give a shred, then lest it be confirmed here that not only is Josh "actually caring about what other people think," but there must be some big 'ol motherfucking snakes on some happenin' motherfucking plane!

xoxoLL & of course Sully 13! :)


5/12/2006 2:33 PM  
Blogger BTL said...

And I thought MY dad was trouble.

5/12/2006 3:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Snarky's Machine, back in action.
Excellent news.

5/12/2006 6:23 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

I think when I spoke to the guy that put me down for my hip surgury I replied with, "I like drugs."

Seemed to be a good reply because I don't remember anything at all about the surgery. I don't even remember leaving that pre-op room.

Just the nice man with the IV.

5/13/2006 9:55 PM  
Blogger Fun Joel said...

Welcome back! I haven't thought about what song I'd want playing, but I can say that if I was whelled in and they already had orn to Run playing, I'd certainly feel comfortable knowing I had a cool, laid back doctor. I'd just pray that the doctor wasn't born to run, or at least that he stuck around through the end of surgery!

5/14/2006 9:21 AM  
Blogger R[w]C said...

Kinda makes you wonder what Springsteen'd want playing for him, don't it?

My guess?

The Who - Teenage Wasteland

Good to have you back, Friedman. Remember, though, you can't use the same song twice so... you're gonna need somethin for later too!

5/14/2006 11:56 PM  
Blogger Fat Chance said...

Hey, Josh. Did you take care of your wife on Mother's Day? That's Mother's Day, not Mutha-F-----' Day, by the way.

5/15/2006 9:53 AM  
Blogger Joe Unidos said...


I'm thrilled that you can now return to "infrequent blogging due to laziness" --it's much more comforting to your readers than "infrequent blogging due to health woes."

Glad you're better.

5/15/2006 10:14 AM  
Blogger Robert Green said...

still better. you are always getting better. at what point do you get so much better you are "good"?

what if you never stop getting better, until, hulk-like (not the ang lee hulk but david fucking banner from the TV show) your betterness threatens first the ones you love, then the very city itself, and the only thing that can save LA is just being OK, or maybe good enough?

think of the children.

5/15/2006 11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To heck with the children, think of us poor women on the ass-end of the world pissing themselves laughing while reading this post, and risking the "pink-slip" when they should be working.

Will you rip off your shirt and show your sexy green pecs. Just this once. Please.

I went with Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville. I figured why not think of Vodka while strangers looked at my innards.

5/15/2006 5:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm one of those under paid, over qualified assistants, and I often find myself uttering those magic words, 'no problem'. What i really mean (unless the preceding statement is 'give yourself a raise'), is 'fuck you, you fucking fuck.'
I guess that's the point though, isn't it?

5/16/2006 10:02 AM  
Blogger ggw07 said...

An extraordinary post- Save and use in your work- It will show up anyway though- extremely powerful- Keep going with this- It's the real thing- No matter what anyone says- And--
Be well- Congratulations on a successful surgery, much luck and thanks for sharing. Anyone who's been there knows- Now move on- and change those pj's to Springsteen.

5/16/2006 9:33 PM  
Blogger Julie Goes to Hollywood said...

Josh, thank you for putting the fun back in cancer, which hasn't been done so bravely since Julia Sweeney's "And God Said Hah." When both she and her brother became ill, they answered their phone with the cheerful greeting: "Sweeney's House of Cancer." I think she's writing on Desperate Housewives now. Survival happens, begetting satire. Be well. JGTH

5/17/2006 10:17 AM  
Blogger CM said...

Check this one out. Hope you get a laugh.

5/19/2006 3:06 PM  
Blogger Victor M Powell said...

I literally stumbled upon your blog and I must say that I found it enjoyable to read. Thank you and glad to hear your surgery was a success, you're still alive. So those reports of your demise was extremely exaggerated.

5/20/2006 2:22 AM  
Blogger Peggy Archer said...

Glad you're back!

5/20/2006 8:37 AM  
Blogger franklin said...

I've been checking every other month on you, becoming more concerned. Glad to see that you got around to letting us know that you should be able to see SOAP when it comes out.

5/21/2006 2:20 PM  
Blogger Outlaw Torn said...

eh, snakes on a plane...

5/22/2006 1:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For obvious reasons the song MUST be Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" (but the version performed by Cake)

5/23/2006 9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think my album would have to be Oingo Boingo's Boingo Alive. Except when it comes to No One Lives Forever. Hmmm.... I'll have to re-think. Maybe Only A Lad.

5/23/2006 3:28 PM  
Blogger ellen said...

Glad to see another post by you, Josh, and I thoroughly enjoyed this one.

You sure have some sick b**tards commenting, though; clearly, they haven't had to battle cancer, to be so blase about it. I hope they never do. Truly.

5/24/2006 12:54 PM  
Blogger lattégirl said...

Your dad rocks, as ever.

5/24/2006 3:00 PM  
Blogger mkc said...

Glad to know you made it out alive. I hear blogging is a great way to fully recuperate...ahem... hint, hint.

5/26/2006 5:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh in the Guardian today.

5/27/2006 6:30 AM  
Blogger Thomas said...

Josh, what is your opinion on what you have seen of The Black Dahlia?

5/28/2006 4:40 PM  
Blogger Assistant Atlas said...

You're just a big ole softie, aren't ya, fella?

And thanks for reminding everyone who does the real work around this town. And in case anyone missed it-- that would be the assistants. Bitch.

And hey, congrats on that whole 'being alive' thing.

5/29/2006 9:48 PM  
Blogger Morris Martin said...

I am Morris Martin.

I am not allowed to see Rated R Movies, in light of this, I've made my own.



Morris Martin

6/01/2006 4:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good to see you back. :) And thanks for telling us how you're doing (while still finding a way to demistify the Hollywood mistique... good show.)

6/02/2006 12:51 PM  
Blogger David Press said...

Good to hear it went well. Fine choice of music

6/03/2006 9:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


You're a fuckin' retart, (yeh, retart = retard + tart.
You have writers, bloggers, cancer survivors, friends, even your father going pen to pen with a visitor and you still take so fuckin' long to give us a new piece?
Have your dog type in for us, "I give up and don't give a shit, have a guilty ugly life, because that's what I am wallowing in."
See you around never.

6/04/2006 8:18 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

Saw Samuel Jackson on the Ellen Degeneres show and he was already hawking his movie (not due out till Aug??), Snakes on a Plane... which of course made me think of you. Glad the surgery went well and hope your recovery is speedy. In the meantime, between changing diapers and soaking up sympathy... if you have any advice for someone entering the USC screenwriting grad program I would be interested to hear it. Basically how to get around the insufferable assholes. At your leisure of course...

6/07/2006 8:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


6/09/2006 8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I’m almost finished with
“Tarantulas on a Cruise Ship”

Cappy’ the deck, it’s
moving...a hairy undulating
mass! Like a herd of

My God Senator, those are no

Swallows hard...

There are motherf'ing
tarantulas on this
motherf'ing cruise ship!

I’m very excited.

6/09/2006 9:28 AM  
Blogger Ian said...

lets hear it for the boy!
psst: the password is zifqjam.

6/10/2006 12:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just when you lose hope in the world, then is when a stoned anestesiologist comes into your life.

6/10/2006 3:04 PM  
Blogger Loudlush said...

The Last Sounds I Hear on Earth will, I hope, be (whispered in post-coital content by my latest husband): "Oh, Ms Lush, I don't care if you're 103, you are HOT".

And those pee-sodden pj's at chez Friedman? I'm sensing some excellent Jerry Springer moments in 18 years time.

6/10/2006 10:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm beginning to think Josh does this for his ego.

Like a child, he soon grows bored with blogging.

But when he sees the comments dwindle, he shoots out another shitty piece.

I mean, really, what the hell have we gained by the past few posts?

Before, Josh's posts were a mixture of great humor and insights on the industry. Now? I'm not so sure anymore.

6/13/2006 7:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe you should ask for a refund "pissed off" or demand an apology.

Better yet... Piss off.

6/15/2006 7:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to the guy above me:

Why so bitter?

In the end, it is of my opinion that Josh was far more informative several posts back. Informative and funny. Now... not so much...

But that's just my opinion...

What's the big deal?

6/15/2006 6:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm not bitter. I just think you're spoilt. You get a great source of entertainment and information. Given to you for free, from a guy who quite frankly, gets paid a lot of money for what he writes.

Then when you think he's giving you less of his time than you think you deserve, you bitch and snipe at him.

You think you can write a blog better, than go write that fucking blog.

It shits me to tears when people get given something great for free, then think it's their right and bitch when there's a break in the flow.

Think about... Just, fucking, think about it.

6/15/2006 9:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to the guy above me:

I'm aware of the successes of Josh. He's a huge talent. He's a fantastic writer. I adore his every word...

... and that is the reason I've found the past couple of posts stale.

I don't think I deserve Josh's time. And I certainly don't think I can write a better blog...

... and that is another reason why I've found the past few posts stale. Because he is such a giant, he has set such a high standard that he hasn't reach recently.

And time, continuity, yes too much time has gone by where things seem to lose importance. That Joh is just slugging one out for us because... because it's been a while...

I appreciate your bitter passion, guy above me, but there is a comment section for a reason: to comment. And not all comments should blow sunshine up someone's ass!

6/16/2006 12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good riddance.

6/17/2006 9:43 AM  
Blogger Godsbane said...

Holy shit Josh!

Go meditate, under a pyramid, on chemo!

We had a blast reading your stuff. But you go get well now.

Thankyou buddy. I hope I hear you made a full recovery a year or two from now.

You are, and shall always be, the Infinite Monkey.

6/17/2006 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some things get put into perspective very quickly, where something that seemed significant 48 hours ago becomes nothing but trivial shit.

If I wasn't pissed off before, I certainly am now.

Josh, I am shocked and quite frankly, I feel like a real asshole.

Touched anyone? I think you touched us all and that's why you have such a passionate following.

I hope this isn't the last we hear from you. I am sure that the next few weeks and months will be about treatments.

But I will always come back here, hoping, at the very least, that you will give us a couple of words.

I also hope that the energy you bring to your fabulous writing (blogs and scripts) will also serve you well when you confront this illness.

You gave us a gift, strangers who came to this blog, I suppose the only thing we're capable of now, is to send our best and channel positive thoughts into your universe.

I am so very sad to hear this news and wish you a speedy recovery.

All the best:

6/17/2006 10:32 AM  
Blogger josh said...

The previous comment re me and my cancer was written by an imposter. Why someone would feel the need to do that, well, your guess is as good as mine. Despite my prolonged blogging absence I am doing quite well, healthwise. Believe it or not, I've actually been writing my Terminator pilot (long-delayed by previous illness).
My apologies to anyone who read the false post. As to complains that a)I don't post anymore and b)my recent posts suck...I'm reminding of the restaurant patron who complains to the maitre d that the food is terrigle and the portions are small.
Please return to regularly scheduled bitterness.

6/17/2006 12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


And to the asshole who did this: put your creative juices into something worthwhile...

6/17/2006 1:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6/17/2006 5:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, i guess the only thing that matters is that you're still alive :)
i really enjoy your writing and i'm glad you're ok after all that has happened to you.
i just wish you'd post more often ;)

6/17/2006 5:53 PM  
Blogger SimplyScripts said...

Man, and here I thought you were one of Daniel Pinkwater's "Snarkout Boys".


6/17/2006 8:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who's an imposter? Bruce? Is it Bruce?
How does one shit oneself to tears?
Am I jumping a shark?
What's going on?

help me

6/20/2006 3:20 AM  
Blogger sarajb said...

Will someone kindly inform me where I can sign up to become a member of pissed off's anonymous?

Thank you,

Shit, I mean...


6/20/2006 10:03 AM  
Blogger Godsbane said...

Okay, now I'm really fucking angry! I did not write...

"OMG I thought you were as good as dead, too. lol I guess who ever wrote that thought it was a joke. Or maybe he was trying to get you to respond, since you never post anything. If that was what he was after, it seems to have worked."

Whoever was masquerading as Josh has now had a go at putting words in my mouth as well!

While it might be some sort of an honour to fall victim to the same form of violation as great writer like Josh... I do NOT appreciate the abuse of my rights nor do I agree with the sentiments they expressed while impersonating me!

6/21/2006 6:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cappy’ they're breeding like rats...million of ‘em!

If we dock, they’ll spread through the harbor like a disease and devour the planet!

Only one thing to do...pull the little plug thingy that lets water into the boat. We’re going down! I’ll send ‘em all to hell!

You’re a brave man Cappy’.

I just fucking hate spiders.

("Tarantulas on a Cruise Ship")

6/21/2006 7:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Long beat.

Then I say we stay, cap'n. Fight. Machine gun those furry mother fuckers, one by one.

Beat. Stubing nods grimly. His expression hardens with heroism.

You're right. You're right goddamit. All these years I've been afraid. Afraid of those little black and yellow bastards... Eight legs. Why eight? If it were six... or even seven. But eight...
But now it's time. And he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother.
Gopher. You go first.

(under his breath)

6/22/2006 4:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous...very solid, maybe worth a point on the back end.


6/22/2006 7:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isn't the term "snarkiness"?

6/22/2006 3:49 PM  
Blogger Danny said...

Not when it's referencing a Bruce album by the name of "Darkness on the Edge of Town." You cretin.

6/27/2006 1:26 PM  
Blogger Tenspeed & Brownshoe said...

Hey Dude,
This is Brownshoe the ironic other half of the blog. As your blog is listed on OUR blog, as a cool one or whatever, I thought I would read it and there you were with a witty charming and touching posting to my boy, Mr. Springsteen.
I am glad you are well, and more than certain that the moving strains of Born to Run helped pull you through. I probably would have said Thunder Road but then wished I had said Born to Run, then thought what about a lost B side line Janey Don't You lose Heart..?
Then I would have been unconscious.
Peace and Love from 25th St. NYC

7/01/2006 8:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm so sick of all the dumbed down modern comedies with their silly faces, bodily functions and sappy sentimentality.

I need to laugh again, so please post something that will make that happen. Thank you

7/03/2006 2:05 AM  
Blogger Danny said...

#100. Time for another post. I'll pay you, Josh. Or at least send you some Springsteen boots.

7/07/2006 9:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

infinite monkey, a lost interest, a (logically) more important disease, make up your mind Josh. I have a lot of respect for you, but either post something OR just delete this page. This is stretching it!!!!

Best (and I mean it)


7/07/2006 6:18 PM  
Blogger Cup said...

Great post.

7/08/2006 5:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you youngsters need to take better care of yourselves

7/13/2006 10:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find your lack of posting disturbing. I just got turned on to your site and now I have read everything. You might be my favorite writer ever. I said might so don't get cocky.

7/14/2006 12:38 PM  
Blogger ThymeHBF said...

I LOVE when you refer to Bruce!! -

7/14/2006 4:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Snarkness on the edge of town is oficially the sentence I have read most often in my life. Incidentally I read it Sharkness....for about the first twothousand times.

7/15/2006 3:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stick a fork in this blog. It's officially done.

7/16/2006 5:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I delete this now from my bookmarks?

7/17/2006 1:54 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Good to know you're well. I remember when Warren Skaaren passed away, and that just sucked. Keep on trucking, man.

7/17/2006 2:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder why fat people are surprised when they get cancer.

7/21/2006 1:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just saw Snakes on a Plane. Hollywood, what a bunch of dumb mother fuckers. That movie heralds the end of man. Any species that creates such a banal pice of shit doesn't deserve to exist.

7/25/2006 11:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

De Palma's The Black Dahlia to open Venice!!!

Scarlett Johansson, Hilary Swank, Josh Hartnett and Aaron Eckhart star in the James Ellroy adaptation and to add to the event's lustre Johansson and Swank plan to attend with De Palma and production designer Dante Ferretti.
Art Linson, Rudy Cohen, Moshe Diamant and Avi Lerner produced the picture, which 01 Distribution will release in Italy at the end of October. Universal has scheduled a North American release for Sept 15.

...Are they forgetting someone??

7/26/2006 2:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And yet I still come here everyday... It took 127 comments on the previous post before we got a new one... maybe we're almost there again... someone more pathetic than me please post 14 times after this and see if it works...

7/26/2006 3:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's one...

7/27/2006 9:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


7/27/2006 3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG Snakes on the Plane is the worst movie ever made.

7/28/2006 12:06 PM  
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