Monday, December 05, 2005

Diary of a Mad HouseJosh

There's this little noise your I.V. machine makes when the bag is empty or the timer reaches zero and they don't want you to have any more morphine. It sounds like a truck backing up, and that's dead on because when the pain meds are gone, the truck arrives soon after and more often than not parallel parks on top of your stomach.

I hear that beep-beep in my sleep, coming from loud over my shoulder or the room next door where the Russian woman is yelling at the nurse for her methadone. She yells mostly in Russian, but the nurse is Russian, too, and after she yells back at the woman the beeping goes on for another five or forty minutes as the nurse bids for Christmas presents on e-bay and the patient next door passes out from the pain.

I have no idea if, when they ask for a stool sample, they want to know immediately when I've got one, or whether it can wait until they bring my cream of wheat and icey sprite. I'm guessing it can wait, because the few times I ring the bell to tell them I've got one I don't see anybody for an hour. After a day of this I wait until they come into the room and then tell them, forcing them to acknowledge the sample. A little person in a hazmat suit shows up presently and something happens but I look away.

It takes me a day to learn how the television works and two days to realize I can control the bed. I'm rooting hard for food poisoning over stomach virus--it sounds edgier and there's little chance my son will catch it from me. Tests come back inconclusive and I can only wonder whether things would be different if the samples were collected on time. I make a mental note to ask the doctor but am so struck by his similarity to Jack Kemp that I forget.

I return home one day earlier than my body thinks is appropriate, but when the doctor told me I was ready to be discharged "unless I'm afraid" I understood it to be a challenge to my manhood and signed the papers. My wife helps me up the stairs to my bed and I do not come down for five days. I AM afraid--I sincerely believe that without an IV drip I will get dehydrated, and there's a pain in my side that gets worse the more I think about it. My wife suggests that perhaps I'd like to return to the hospital, but the prospect of all the paperwork and the beeping and the rubber mattress and the History Channel on a loop is too much to bear.

People I work with send me get-well baskets, but because I can't eat anything I miss out on all the Mrs. Beasley's cookies and chocolate and liquor. I get blankets and dvds and picture books and tea, which make me feel like a small French child who's just had her appendix out.

The beep-beeping is still there, in my head, but I think it's my career sounding an alarm, warning me that it's been neglected too long, that the bag is almost empty and the pain is soon to begin. Sitting at the computer makes me queasy--it's the little words or the radiation or a sudden understanding that I've been very unplugged from this drip and if I don't start giving I won't start getting.

I watch Bruce Springsteen's "Making of Born to Run" documentary. The engineer from the album describes a 24 year old Springsteen standing in front of a microphone working on a guitar solo. Every time he finishes a take he turns to the engineer and simply says "Again." He does this for twelve hours straight. The recording of the song "Born to Run" takes six months. The drummer and the keyboardist quit and don't record the rest of the album. Thirty years later they asked the drummer how he felt when he heard the song today. He said "I feel like running out into the middle of traffic." He sort of laughs afterwards, says he was happy to be a part of the album, but you know the day he quit the E Street Band plays over and over in his head like a fever dream.

I want to believe I'm Springsteen but worry I'm the drummer.

Why do we do what we do? I don't ask the question anymore. I've long since forgotten the answer, or maybe the answer's changed and I don't want to know. But most screenwriters are racing dogs and writing the Great American Movie is that little robotic rabbit just ahead of us on the turn.

I loved to race, once. When I was young.

61 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

The battle about whether or not to battle. That's the question.

12/05/2005 1:09 PM  
Blogger david golbitz said...

Feel better, Josh. Try some chicken soup. According to my mother, it's the cure all for everything.

Cold? Chicken soup.

Fever? Chicken soup.

Cancer of the what? Chicken soup.

Everyone needs a Jewish mother...or is that "deserves?"

12/05/2005 1:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

C'mon Catalano, sit up look pretty and amaze me some more... I'm greedy and needy. This is no time to feel old.

12/05/2005 1:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you going to some kind of Canadian hospital, kicking your ass out like that?

Damned Socialists. Feel better, monkey-scribe.

12/05/2005 2:11 PM  
Blogger merkley??? said...

i had this super sharp pain in my side, in a place not previously associated with gas or heartburn or basic stomach bullshit, it would come and go in 20 minute intervals. at the peak it would feel like it was even trembling or having a spasm. the pain was so great it would blur my vision.

i was afraid to find out what it was so i denied it's existence and never had it checked. two weeks later it just stopped and now it think it's only because it got sick of giving me warning that something was desperately wrong. it's probably some fucked up cancer that finally killed whatever little organ was able to send pain signals and now it's spreading throughout my system invading everything without pain nerves.

i will certainly be dead within six months i think. but i feel terrific so who gives a fuck.

12/05/2005 2:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome back Josh!

So sorry you're still feeling like a street fatality that's still alive... but waiting.

When I feel like you do about the writing, I start checking on the investments; making sure that the lil' darlings are compounding, bringing me closer to the blessed day when I can retire... And write without deadlines.

Feel better.

Also, a banana shake would probably do wonders for your shakes.

Later, gator.

12/05/2005 2:44 PM  
Blogger Patricia Burroughs aka Pooks said...

Damn. Robotic rabbit as Great American Screenplay? Not only is that fucking brilliant, it's so fucking true I have now caught your disturbing lack of faith and fear I'm catching your stomach ailment, as well.

Get well quick so we'll all feel better.

12/05/2005 3:36 PM  
Blogger R. K. Bentley said...

Hope you get well soon. Hospitals are wierd places.

My grandfather was in the hospital for a bit. I visited him once and he rambled on like a an X-Files episode.

12/05/2005 8:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh,

From someone that's young and wants to write that Great American Movie, to you, someone that has the capability to actually do it. Do it.


Get well.

-Y

12/05/2005 9:29 PM  
Blogger Patrick J. Rodio said...

Damn dude, I hope you're getting better. Although even in horrible, nightmarish agony, your posts are still a treat to read.

Get well, kick ass.

PS - not sure about the banana shake idea. Personally, I know for me it'd go straight through me; I might as well just dump it in the toilet and skip the middle man (me).

12/05/2005 9:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I was really moody/sickly, my mother would tell me I needed Vitamin B. I'd declare I did not so she'd make me stick out my tongue and tell me if it had a deep crease in the middle, it was a sure sign of Vitamin B deficiency.

I think anonymous's advice is right on the money (although what do i know?).

Take care of you and yours. Be well.

12/05/2005 10:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait. Does this mean Harvey is the Great American Movie? If not -- the cunning monkey runs and stops. And waits, with brads and a linen cover, for the bunny to come clanking round again.

12/06/2005 12:36 AM  
Blogger anthony vieira said...

wow, man.

i'm heartily glad to know yr still alive.

i, for one, would be happy if you never posted again, if it meant keeping yourself alive. i enjoy this blog very much, but i don't need to live vicariously through it. i doubt that came out right, but i hope you understand.

i just watched The Salton Sea, and it reminded me strongly of my own tweaker days, and i felt a dull species of regret--i wasted a lot of time and money...i remember at least one span of 12 hours where i did nothing but sketch morbid skeletons while the party jerked and jabbered around me.

i've yet to be Discovered as a screenwriter. intellectually, i understand the nightmare i'm obsessed with getting myself into, but i guess it's my dream. if i don't make it, i can teach somewhere and write novels, but i want to try this first.

i hope you keep racing, josh...but sushi is nasty, man. really.

12/06/2005 2:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy shit. What was it, do you know? For those of us who love sushi, is there anything we should watch out for?

Now get back to your keyboard, beeyotch! You have TV and movies to create!

12/06/2005 2:39 AM  
Blogger John Vanderpuije said...

This post knocked me to the floor! Get well soon, and when you get a minute have a think about starting on that great American movie...

12/06/2005 3:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Calm down Eugene O'Neill.
Anyway, doesn't the quest for the Great American anything generally end in a demise of Hemingwayesque proportions? Or is it a documentary by Michael Moore?
Feel better my man.

12/06/2005 6:14 AM  
Blogger coltrane said...

I was in a hospital once and heard this for two days straight. "Moisture!....Moisture!...MOISTURE!" I practically ran out of there screaming.

12/06/2005 7:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

josh, welcome back, i miss you when you're gone. being sick sucks. feeling bad sucks. do what you need to do to feel better. if it involves some wallowing around in mucky emotions, so be it. doubt is o.k. feel it all, then go ahead and feel better. what ever you decide it's about you. you owe us nothing. you owe yourself and your family everything. just get well. if you decide to race again i'll be the guy holding a fistfull of 'win' tickets. if not i will remember all the times your imagination took me to the winner's circle.

12/06/2005 8:53 AM  
Blogger Hawise said...

It is good to see you well enough to post again and hope that you take the time you need to actually get better. Sitting and watching your son play is probably the best medecine that you are going to get, so enjoy it while it lasts. The odds are that you will drive your wife nuts and no amount of Mrs. Beasley's cookies and chocolate and liquor stolen from your get well baskets will save you then. They kicked you out of the hospital because they know that an aggravated wife is the best cure for anything that ails a man. Long before Holiday giving kicks in you will owe her big time and the lure of work will become a serious drive, wait for that moment, use that moment and until then rest and heal, you deserve it.

12/06/2005 9:49 AM  
Blogger Scott the Reader said...

The good news is, you can still write.

12/06/2005 10:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OT, I finally got to see War of the Worlds on DVD the other day and as the final credits were rolling, I let out a screech: "Josh FRIEDMAN!" Pause. "Oh. I knew that. I read about it on his blog." Still, it was neat-o.

12/06/2005 12:06 PM  
Blogger Julie Goes to Hollywood said...

I miss funny Josh. Sick Josh breaks my heart, and I get enough of that at home. Get well soon. JGTH, "THINGS THEY WON'T TELL YOU IN FILM SCHOOL"

12/06/2005 1:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

These are now your thoughts

Feel my will: You will overcome your illness for the sake of literature and the creative imagination. What you imagine is your family.

This is now your will.

You are Great. YOU.

12/06/2005 1:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey: great as a person dammit, great in your frailty, in your limits. Maybe I should not have used caps for the word great ( see I got over it this time huh? ).

12/06/2005 1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

stomach flu or virus? what, you didn't consider poisoning by rival monkeys?

12/06/2005 2:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a good friend of mine once said during an impromptu dinner speech turned memorial...Talk about a bummer bro.

Ah, depression, anxiety and egocentric behavior will surely help your writing more than it will hinder your progress - although your the state of your sanity seems a bit vacillatory. I suggest watching Nip/Tuck...scratch that.

Josh, you are a clever inspiration. Stay well.

I enjoyed a similar experience - I had a seizure and a couple fainting scares. There were whispers that I might have cardiomyopathy, although I thought it was just stress from working for a fiesty producer. The bitch of the whole thing? I never found out what it was. I was on medication for awhile, but they took me off, because I am not epileptic and they couldnt find anything.

For your sake, I just hope you get some resolution. I havent, and it still clouds and fogs the mind's nerves a bit.

Best

Tony

12/06/2005 2:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Must have been monkeypox.

12/06/2005 3:25 PM  
Blogger Konrad West said...

As was said so succinctly before, please don't die.

However, keep in mind that if you do happen to die, you'll leave behind a great blog, and your story of a great talent cut short will grow legendary much like James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and Pauly Shore.

I am hoping you won't die. Just so you know.

12/06/2005 6:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, 1031 is right CHICKEN SOUP helps a lot. Hope you are doin better from day to day.

Oh and write a novel Josh ... you can do it and I will buy it.

//k.

12/07/2005 3:52 AM  
Blogger Eleanor said...

You've removed the post? *rolls eyes*
Fair play.

Look on the bright side...It's another experience to extract the essense of and put in a movie some time. :)

Feel better soon.

12/07/2005 5:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yee-heekers!

Can't say I've had stomach flu, but I do know all about food poisoning.

More than I ever wanted to, in fact.

I'm glad you went to the hospital. You probably sped up your recovery by at least a week doing that.

I'm seven or eight places down the socio-economic hiearchy from you, so the best I could manage when I was sick was a visit to the local doc-in-the-box.

Trust me, you do not want a guy who looks sort of like a dessicated Christopher Walken coming off a three-week meth binge
giving you medical advice.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to drink a lot of Gatorade, and don't hit the morphine too hard, if you can help it.

Get well, please.

12/07/2005 5:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Like Terry, I also just watched War of the Worlds with my hubby the other day and saw your name on the credits. I told Husband, "I read that guy's blog. He's hilarious." You're just about the best blogger out there (not to mention a damn fine screenwriter) so, echoing everyone else's sentiments: Don't Die. No one else in Blogworld makes me laugh like you do.

12/07/2005 6:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The infinite bird flu monkey.

12/07/2005 8:36 AM  
Blogger Duf said...

For almost two years now, I've been thinking of writing a novel. The idea has been swimming around in my head, and sometimes I commit a phrase or two to paper.

Reading your post today and thinking about mortality and asking myself the same question you posed (but making it more specific) - why do I do what I do? - and not liking the answer...

Well, reading you post, I've decided to chase my rabbit and this time to run like I really want to catch it.

So thanks.

12/07/2005 1:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

perhaps if you tried writing The Great Human Movie the Great American Movie would be put in better perspective.

12/07/2005 7:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was a fine post, thanks for sharing it with us.

I'm sorry to hear you're still feeling punkish.

Get well soon man.

12/07/2005 9:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

two words: peppermint tea. it will help.

12/08/2005 4:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The siren song of the approval fairy may be fading... It may not your career calling, but your life. Get healthy, and ignore all the hungry pleading voices in the mean time.

There is no great American Movie. There is a very great Josh.

Be well.

PS. My earlier post never said you jumped the shark, just that the hungry birds would say you had. I still think your the man if you still want the approval fairy around.

12/08/2005 5:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh never posts enough, so I'm posting a link to another comedy blog so people have something to read while anxiously waiting.

http://newbrocktonbugle.blogspot.com

Peace,
Kristen

12/08/2005 7:52 PM  
Blogger Eleanor said...

Oops, it was a comment that got deleted, not a warning that the post had been deleted.

Man, I must learn to read. Sheesh!

How you doing Josh? Any better yet?
I hope it doesn't take too long to get back to your old sparkly self. Be well.

12/09/2005 6:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You so funny...and its gingerbread for nausea...and ginger tea.

12/09/2005 9:07 PM  
Blogger Jared said...

Imaginary hat tipped in your direction.

12/11/2005 9:13 AM  
Blogger Jared said...

To sit solemn. In honest lonely pursuit of one’s own destination.

It's a terrible thing.

And also your finest post.

12/11/2005 9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

stay on target.

stay on target!

12/14/2005 1:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get well soon Josh, I always enjoy visiting your blog. Your post resonated with me quite a bit.

Hey, why stick to screenplays? Make a movie yourself.

12/14/2005 2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Standing ovation, boundless empathy from the socialist scribes to the North, where a tiny band of cross-border bunny-chasers pull sweatpants over their longjohns in your honor, and hoist little French child-sized mugs of steaming concoctions deemed too strong and cheap to send thru customs; toasting your inexhaustible maginificence. We read every achey keystroke from you, and lurch humbled by your great American guts, even on sick days.

12/18/2005 6:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's all psychological. You yell barracuda, everybody says, "Huh? What?"
You yell shark, we've got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July.

12/21/2005 8:32 AM  
Blogger Matt Warren said...

What the crap!? 54 comments? I might have to read some of this stuff later :) It makes me feel like an uncreative loser cause I have so few comments on my blog.:( Anyways, guess you're doin a great job! Keep it up.

12/21/2005 10:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just dropped in to see if you're feeling better yet. hope so. i'm still checking in. best holiday wishes and all that war on christmas stuff. . .

12/26/2005 7:59 PM  
Blogger MaryAn Batchellor said...

Upping the morphine on my drip in your honor. NO, I'm not sick! I got this thing on eBay. Don't tell anyone.

12/27/2005 5:49 PM  
Blogger Mrs Mopro said...

happy holidays, frohe weihnachten and a happy healthy new year. i just had to write this and spread some warmth in these times of madness and crisis (i don't mean the world, i mean this blog).... ahem... get well josh!!!

12/29/2005 10:24 AM  
Blogger Jeff said...

Look at this as material. If you ever have to write a poignant finale for Oscar bait or a MOW then you've got the details down.

Get well.

12/29/2005 5:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAPPY FRIGGIN' NEW YEAR! are you better yet? we REALLY want to know. Im starting to get worried.
What a loser am I, coming home from a party on New Years and seeing if Josh just MIGHT possibly have posted... ah well.
MISS YOU

1/01/2006 1:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, now you know the truth. Nothing we can ever do will be worth the pain of doing it. If it's any consolation, it will all be destroyed in six years, eleven months and 16 days.
Hush now. Hush.

1/07/2006 10:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come back you mournful bastard!
hope you're feeling better by the way.

1/09/2006 2:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please, Josh, we're waiting for the Other Posts Altogether! Sorry to hassle you, but if there's anything worse for a writer than having a demanding public, it's not having a demanding public. Feel reproached, ok, but in a good way. I don't believe this blog is over yet.

1/09/2006 11:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anybody know if Josh is STILL ALIVE????

Enquiring minds want to know!

1/09/2006 12:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can only assume that you are still battling your cancer, but an update would be nice.

If not, oh well. Thanks for the stories that are still here.

Ignatz

4/05/2006 10:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh man, reading this has cheered me up--

god bless final draft!!
(josh you're okay too)

4/20/2006 11:40 AM  
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