Thursday, October 27, 2005

Barney and Friends

So the blog seemed like a fun idea at the time.

Do my little jokey-joke thing, tell a tale or two out of school, jump the shark, go home to my moldy mansion and my weird pets.

But then I wake up and realize I've got a rotting albatross bending my neck like a Jacob the Jeweler Christ-face medallion.

Here's what the bird said just this week:

PRODUCER: So, Josh...Before we get started talking about our dumbass rewrite project that we're not even going to hire you to work on...we just need to know...Is this gonna be on the blog?
ME: I dunno. Are you gonna do something to fucking annoy me? And by annoy, I mean, other than consuming some three days of my life with conference calls where I wrack my brain to solve problems for you as you TYPE THEM INTO YOUR COMPUTER just to make sure YOU'LL HAVE MY ENTIRE BRAIN ON FILE when you want to hire somebody else?
PRODUCER: Cuz, you know, your blog can be pretty harsh.
ME: No man, we're cool. I like to wait about two years before I tell stories about producers. That pretty much guarantees they won't be in the business anymore.
PRODUCER: Cool.
ME: Yeah. Cool.

Shit like this is happening all the time.

Here's another all too-familiar bird call these days. Translations in parentheses for the Hollywood-impaired:

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Dude. Long time no see. (I haven't thought about hiring you for two years you overpriced hostile little asshole.)
ME: How's the family? (You still have a family, don't you? Or did your wife leave you for someone who uses his dick for something other than pissing all over people's hard work?)
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: They're great. Thanks. (The bitch is fucking her spin teacher. My son's mainlining Ritalin and the only thing I know about my daughter is she won't answer to the boy's name I insisted she have.)
ME: Cool. (Cool.)
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: So buddy (asshole)--
ME: Dude (dickless wonder)
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: I love, absolutely love your blog. (My assistant printed it out and skimmed it looking for my name.)
ME: Thanks for taking the time to read it. (You couldn't spell blog if I spotted you "blog.")
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: God...Remember that last time we worked together? (My assistant reminded me of the last time we worked together.)
ME: Oh yeah. I remember EVERYTHING. (And I mean EVERYTHING.)
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Yeah...I bet that'd make a funny blog. (Don't you FUCKING DARE make that a funny blog.)
ME: I hadn't really thought about it. (All I have to do is press "Publish Post," motherfucker.)
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Yeah...It'd probably lose something in translation. (I will crush you.)
ME: They all do...(Don't I know it.)
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: We should get the kids together. (If my whore-crone wife will get down off the spin teacher long enough to pick them up at the nanny's condo.)
ME: We'll set up a playdate. (Take heart. They're not even yours.)
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Cool.
ME: Cool.

Aaaahhh, I love me my Hollywood friends. They're the prettiest skulls.

As most of you know by now, I'm a pretty busy little monkey. On any given day God has commanded me to do the following:

--instruct my young boy in all things sweatpant
--honor my Ashkenazi heritage by test-driving the Mercedes E55 AMG Wagon
--eat a Chipotle burrito, occasionally adding guacamole if I have the Chipotle Buck Free Burrito Card
--talk to my agent for two minutes
--talk to my agent's assistant for seventeen minutes
--arbitrate
--apologize to the wife
--forget an important meeting
--change a diaper and let everyone know about it
--change my son's diaper and let everyone know about it
--explain to my father why anonymous thinks I've jumped the shark
--apologize to my wife
--watch three episodes of "Dwell" on the Tivo
--give that cool "What-up" nod to that guy I know from that one place but can't recall his name
--realize ten minutes later that one place I know him from is television and his name's Scott Baio
--try to remember how old I am
--don't buy the Mercedes so I can keep it real
--call Nathan at Maserati and set up a test drive
--wonder what I'm doing wrong and why writers I hate get more work than I do
--decide not to call that asshole producer back on that shit project
--wonder what it'd be like to suddenly discover you're a musical prodigy
--poop the dog
--come up with funny lines for yesterday's pitch
--play the peepee game
--apologize to my wife
--vanity google

And that last one just kills the whole day.

Given how jam-packed my day is I have to be very judicious as to how I spend my free time. For my money, there's no better time spent than time spent reading Barney's Blog.

I cannot tell you how reassuring it is to me on those dark days when it hits me square in the face that after you die you're REALLY FUCKING DEAD and they're gonna put you in a pine box and bury you in the dirt for THE REST OF FUCKING TIME AND THERE'S NO SECOND CHANCES that while I'm still alive and vibrant and my soul hasn't yet disappeared like a fine mist I can spend AS MUCH TIME AS I WOULD LIKE READING THE EXTRA-EPISODIC THOUGHTS OF THAT WACKY WOMANIZER BARNEY!

Because nothing fills that existential hole in my heart and gives me hope for an afterlife more than the CONCRETE EVIDENCE that our television friends continue to exist EVEN WHEN THE HALF HOUR IS OVER.

I just quiver with excitement every time Barney writes a new post. Will Barney get "maximum layage with minimal effort?" How will his strategy of multiple Halloween costumes help him procure multiple Halloween Sluts? But he's not just a smart-alecky voice from the broadcast beyond, he's an inspiration to us bloggers everywhere. How about that Venn diagram? Or that Slut Spreadsheet? I mean it just kicks the shit out of John August.com and that's a hill to climb let me tell ya.

I spend hours working on witty comments for Barney's Blog, hoping against hope that the little rascal will start a witty comments section. Oh how witty a fanboy I will be for him!

Now, I'm not exactly sure who it was who met whose mother, or why it is we give a fuck about that. I've never watched the show and at this point I'm thinking that it'd be weird to start. It's kind of like my fear of meeting Bruce Springsteen. Maybe he'd be a dick to me, maybe he'd call me "John" and I'd have to correct him...It'd be crushing.

The point is, I only like to know my heroes from a particular angle. Maybe watching Barney and the other guy and the girl and all the mother-meeting would spoil it for me. In fact, I'll even go so far as to vow that as long as Barney is blogging I will NEVER risk ruining it by watching his television show. I've made that mistake too many times in the past. I will never forget weeping--seriously weeping--while reading Archie Bunker's intimate account of Edith's rape on ArchieBunker.com. The dude was, like, SO sensitive and accepting. So I decided to flip on the show the next week--and Holy Christ the man's a fat old bigot! How could I have been so blind? I yanked him outta my sidebar links so fast it made my Technorati spin.

Then there was that time I got into a serious flame war with this one asshole on Leather Tuscadero's blog when he suggested it was against WGA regulations for craven network marketing executives to require tv writers to help Leather write some of her posts and I couldn't believe Leather would let ANYONE do anything that may violate the Minimum Basic Agreement because Leather had such a strong sense of justice...

But I digress. This is about the divine-inspired glory that is Barney.

I only have one problem with his blog.

I wish that lazy fucker'd post more.

50 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hoohaay! I'm first.

Damn Friedman,

I bow in awe of your exquiste infinite monky-ness. Do you need an assistant? I'm wearing sweat pants right now, in fact I have several old pairs, broken in just right, and I have no ambition to be a zoo-keeper, just a rambling monkey-man.

10/27/2005 7:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You beautiful fucking idiot.

10/27/2005 8:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you ever get tired of or want to take a break from the screenwriting game, consider writing a comic novel. I'd buy it.

10/27/2005 9:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What on earth is "Dwell"?

10/27/2005 9:34 PM  
Blogger anthony vieira said...

creosote my way back to Mumia Abu Jamal's cell. i will not piece together bits of jargon from a frothing absinthe sniffer. no one owns the rights to "It's A Wonderful Life," i once read and is it true? my fellow pedantic commenters may believe we are clever, but i am almost certainly lazier than you are.

10/27/2005 10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of one's own heroes, I happened to notice that you're to have your script done by Brian De Palma(!) I dunno, I'd kinda like to hear about that. I mean, I know how great sushi is, especially free sushi, (yeah, I really like sushi of the free variety), however, what I don't know is what it's like to work with a *$#@*!** master... (if you'd get the chance, I'd be curious to hear)...

10/28/2005 12:43 AM  
Blogger Roger Alford said...

So, what's a "spin teacher"? Is she going into politics? Weaving? Pottery?

10/28/2005 5:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The -[infinite monkey]- rules all. *bow's down*

The artist control's the producers if he's really any fucking good.

10/28/2005 5:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Roger,

Spin teacher - it's a gym class, they get on this stationary bikes and pretend they're riding it up a mountain, spinning the wheels like madness itself. The guy running the class, yelling out positive affirmations as sweat flows and pools down the crack of your ass, is known as the spin teacher.

Or so I've heard, I've never actually taken a class.

Not a monkey exercise, really. We like the big medicine balls.

And Friedman, you ain't jumped no shark, no sir. I sitll wanna be your fax and coffee boy!

10/28/2005 6:48 AM  
Blogger Grants Specialist said...

It's pretty sad to be the person that has to write Barney's blog and then have to promote it on your blog as if you are just a fan.

But it's a sad world.

10/28/2005 7:47 AM  
Blogger Scott the Reader said...

The idea of Josh secretly churning out Barney's blog to make a little extra money (to buy sweatpants? bananas?) just makes a certain dark, logical, wonderful sense.

10/28/2005 8:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

man i fucking love chipotle burritos.

10/28/2005 9:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's full discloser time Josh.

You've been moonlighting, that's why you haven't been writing lately. (Else there's a full on attempt to take your style for that blog.)

Amazing how small this town is.

Remember to share your son's candy with him this holloween!

10/28/2005 9:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh.. just to let you know, you're my hero. I should've started out as a screenwriter rather than a journalist - much more fun!
Who is this dude pretending to be my daughter's early hero? He's not big, purple or happy. Looks like the doogie howser kid.

10/28/2005 9:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A post-modern, experimental poet blog post. Right on. There is hope in the world.

10/28/2005 9:54 AM  
Blogger Julie Goes to Hollywood said...

You forgot to mention the Dougie Houser, M.D. Blog, wherein a younger, geekier and even more annoying Neil Patrick Harris nails that slut Wanda in the supply closet.

10/28/2005 1:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You scared me for a second there, Friedman.

I thought you were gonna give it up because some suit is having nightsweats his despicable behavior might be revealed on the internet.

You're too smart for that. Now cackle like the evil mastermind you are and go apologize to your wife.

10/28/2005 2:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just want to know what a Chipotle Buck Free Burrito card is. I eat there all the time and have never heard of such a thing.

The Midwest gets screwed again!

10/29/2005 7:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Excuse my obvious Englishness, but would you mind being forthcoming with a little food exposition? What the fuck is a chipotle?"

It's a chain of taquerias that makes a pretty good burrito...

http://www.chipotle.com/

...and it's the best fall-back Mexican restaurant when you are in a new California town and you're not sure about the others.

Why the hell is it "taqueria" instead of "burriteria?" I mean tacos are really an aftertought in most taquerias.

"The Midwest gets screwed again!"

Someone told me Chicago has pretty good burritos now and the same person told me that the Kansas City is coming around too.

Otherwise Juancho, suffer with Taco Hell. I mean, Taco Smell. No, I mean Taco Bell. *Yeah,* that's the right name for the place.

10/29/2005 6:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should call it, "Jumping the Ape."

How often do those sweat pants get washed?

10/30/2005 12:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I live in Jacksonville, FL. We have more Toxic Hells per square mile than gas stations. And the chipoltles there are the nutritional equivalent of five bran muffins.

- BK

P.S. - Excuse my Southern ignarance, but WTF is a "taqueria?" Besides assuming a "taco" association.

10/30/2005 2:27 AM  
Blogger Jen in Germany said...

Bless you with any deity of your liking..
You make this crazy monkey-life we’ve chosen so much better… Your posts are the ripe banana, baby, that gets me through the deadline gauntlet: Four days without a shower; a diet consisting of alternating cans of Pringles with sacks of Gummi Bears washed down with anything caffeinated. The never-ending internal monologue that rattles around the cage: “The scripts too long, it’s due in ten, nine, eight… Why the hell would they give me 10 weeks for a page one… This time, I know I’m not going to pull it off. (Shut-up you always think that…) No, this time I’m sure. More Gummi bears. That’s the answer. Maybe a second pot of coffee… Wait, I’m just going to see if Josh has put up a new post – and there it is… ahhhhh… release, I’m satiated, not alone, other’s have been here too… (and have the guts to tell it like it is for those of us not high enough on the ladder to do so)… Thank you and please keep them coming…

10/30/2005 11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"P.S. - Excuse my Southern ignarance, but WTF is a "taqueria?" Besides assuming a "taco" association."

A restaurant that serves tacos, but in the San Francisco Bay Area does most of their business in burritos. The best either grill their meats and/or simmer the meats for hours until they are tender in a salsa.

10/30/2005 3:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, tacos aren't tacos they're taquos which can be bought from a taqueria, which doesn't really make taquos all that often because people mainly buy burritos, although nobody knows why they (taqueria) aren't called burriteria, and even if they were, the best burriteria would be a chain called Chipotle, which is as healthy as five bran muffins and will give you free gucamole if you have a card that says you are buck free.

And monkeys, with their preference for the big medicine balls, do not go to classes where there are guys who get paid to teach people how to only pretend to ride a bike until the sweat runs down the crack of their ass, despite that fact that, when it comes to crack-sweat catching, sweatpants would be quite an asset, assuming they were ever washed.

And when faced with the choice between Mercedes and Maserati, the most important thing to consider is when you are going to apologise to your wife.

And a vanity google takes seven fucking seconds because my name is unusual (if anonymous) but the same as sombody's favourite pet and the two results I get are pictures of their fucking cat, which they may or may not have jumped.

But if I changed my name to Josh Friedman, a vanity google would take a whole day and I would never have learned all the things I have learned by reading this rotting albatross which has been lovingly created by a beautiful fucking idiot.

I know who Scott Baio is, but I don't know what the peepee game is; should I really be wanting these knowings to be the other way around?

10/30/2005 8:26 PM  
Blogger Unsigned said...

Josh,

You fucking brillant asshole. You always have the best ends to your blog and this one takes the cake. To bitch about what everyone criticizes you for. You are an infinte monkey that jerks off in the face of everyone on the tour. Fuck you and keep uo the good work.

10/30/2005 10:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...that's some serious sarcasm you've got going on there...I think...or maybe not...

10/30/2005 10:55 PM  
Blogger Jared said...

I have issues with the word ‘gourmet’ being used in a descriptive sentence pertaining to ‘burritos’ and ‘tacos’.

There is surely something fundamentally wrong with that?

Shirley?

10/31/2005 12:36 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A josh friedman vanity google actually unearths v little. I learned that he may have written WotW, and that he has a blog. And that his vanity is evidently easily appeased.
I actually learned more about Josh Friedman the trumpeteer/bandleader. Man that guy sounds like a hoot.
PS. I'm sorry, but what the hell does jumping the shark mean?
PPS. Panchos, Polk St, SF. Mmmm, thats a good burrito.

10/31/2005 3:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

jumping the shark is when you have a shark, and you jump over it.

10/31/2005 4:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you ok with criticism?

In terms that perhaps only I understand, this post ranks somewhere near a day at the aquarium on my list of most awesome days ever.

I don't like fish that much, but there are some interesting species.

10/31/2005 12:54 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

El Farolito in the Mission district of San Francisco is the best Mexican food I have ever eaten...and my mom was born in Mexico City and cooks quite well herself.

10/31/2005 1:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"ignarance"

heh... heh... ignOrance.

10/31/2005 3:24 PM  
Blogger Peggy Archer said...

I'm lucky - I've not had anyone I work with (or for) recognize my blog, but I'm not that well known.

It's definitely not a moment I'm looking forward to.

Are you moonlighting as "Barney's Blog"?

And if so, why not the dino? THAT would be sweet.

10/31/2005 8:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why is it that the mere mention of a Leather Tuscodero blog threw me into hysteria for several minutes...? lmao
Josh, you are way funnier than Barney

And chipotle is a smoked hot pepper...

11/01/2005 9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How unique - a screenwriters blog full of sycophantic fanboys. Can *I* wear sweatpants too?? Can I?...huh???
Then I checked what screenplays you had actual written and realised they were all spectacularly shite.

11/01/2005 7:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now now.
Which screenplays did YOU write?

11/02/2005 2:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"How unique - a screenwriters blog full of sycophantic fanboys. Can *I* wear sweatpants too?? Can I?...huh??? Then I checked what screenplays you had actual written and realised they were all spectacularly shite."

C'mon David Koepp, let the whole credit thing go now. It's over, don't be hating.

11/02/2005 6:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Preach it, brother. Fuck their Yankee blue jeans. This is the best shit I've read about the mental sodomy of being a writer in this town. Top-notch, man. Y'all should check out Deuce and Custer's ranting at www.berylium.net -- laugh your balls into mayo.

11/03/2005 12:22 PM  
Blogger Fun Joel said...

I'm glad Mac mentioned it, because I've been trying to spread the following gospel:

The phrase "jump the shark" has most certainly jumped the shark!

11/03/2005 3:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh,
Consider me a sycophantic fanboy. Cause you can't spell sycophantic without sick-o. Or phantic.

11/04/2005 5:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you can spell sycophantic without sick-0.

11/07/2005 8:37 AM  
Blogger bones said...

Chipotle tip: If you ingratiate yourself with the manager you can get yourself a free office burrito party. Even if you don’t have an office. All you need is a business card and a clip-on tie for the dog (dogs will usually go along with the ruse if burritos are involved).

Great interblog. I’ve been meaning to stock up on sweatpants. I hardly even see them at the gym anymore. Further proof that America has lost its center.

11/07/2005 7:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

America has lost its center? Surely it can be found somewhere near its centre?

11/08/2005 5:22 AM  
Blogger coltrane said...

Hilarious blog. Stumbled upon it and ended up reading every post in one sitting. Nice to know that Hollywood can turn you into a miserable, sarcastic prick. Makes my fifteen years of failing to break in a little easier to handle and gives me something to look forward to. Inspired me to write my own blog about my own non success stories. I won't be annoying and URL it. I know it'll just get deleted. Not that anyone wants to read it anyway. Keep posting!

11/09/2005 12:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

josh-
are you the same guy i knew in the mid-90s, back when we still had 'delusions' of grandeur about this business when we met at sundance? jk. did you write 'dumbo drop' but erase it from your imdb? if that's you, give a holler at email below. we're loooong overdue for a good laugh.
lisa caruso
lisafreeemail@yahoo.com

11/10/2005 4:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

josh-
are you the same guy i knew in the mid-90s, back when we still had 'delusions' of grandeur about this business when we met at sundance? jk. did you write 'dumbo drop' but erase it from your imdb? if that's you, give a holler at email below. we're loooong overdue for a good laugh.
lisa caruso
lisafreeemail@yahoo.com

11/10/2005 4:40 AM  
Blogger Mark said...

brilliant stuff Josh. Worth the wait.

Mark
Mark's Screenwriting Blog

11/11/2005 11:30 AM  
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