Fear of a Josh Planet
So a few years ago I was sitting around my house wondering where my next free meal was coming from and the Dumb Fucking Lesbian calls me:
DFL: Hey. What are you doing for dinner tonight?
ME: Combining Lean Cuisine Chicken a la King with Lean Cuisine Beef Stroganoff into one fantastic meal of Lean King a la Stroganoff, why?
DFL: There's a director who wants to take you out for sushi and offer you a job writing a greenlit movie for a star.
ME: Sushi?
I throw on my best pair of mostly clean Adidas sweatpants and make a beeline to the restaurant, despite the fact that this is the same sushi restaurant where I first asked ex-girlfriend Actress "Is something wrong?"
But this is free sushi and the only downside might involve writing a script and getting paid for it (something I do try to avoid). The director is 22 years old, Asian, and by most accounts, the hottest boy wonder director of hip-hop videos this side of that one guy who directed that one video everybody loves where that one girl shakes her booty. I'm early and the Boy Wonder shows up driving the biggest SUV I've ever seen blaring the loudest rap music I've ever heard wearing the smallest glasses that could possibly fit on his face.
I'm immediately impressed.
And in case you don't think Hollywood's the smartest place on earth, here's the movie Asian/Hip-Hop Boy Wonder is directing: An action movie teaming up MARTIN LAWRENCE with A BEAUTIFUL ASIAN STARLET WHO HAPPENS TO BE A HONG KONG ACTION STAR...
If you're curious, here's how the studio "director meeting" went a month earlier:
EXEC: So we got Martin Lawrence. He's black...
OTHER EXEC: And we got Asian Action Starlet. She's...Asian?
EXEC: That's what her agent says. I've never seen her movies. Hong Kong, is like, far away.
OTHER EXEC: Totally far...So for a director we need...An Asian guy?
EXEC: Sure. Good idea. But...how 'bout a black guy?
OTHER EXEC: Hmm. Yeahhh. A Black guy. Now you're thinking...
EXEC: Wait! I got it! How about...an Asian guy...who thinks he's black!
OTHER EXEC: Awesome. Do we have a list for that?
EXEC: Of course we do...It's here somewhere...I think it's on the same page with "Female Directors We'd Actually Hire for Movies Budgeted over 30 million...Here it is.
OTHER EXEC: There's one name there.
EXEC: Let's call him.
So Boy Wonder plies me with toro, shows me a very detailed outline he's already written, and explains that the script needs to be written in three weeks.
ME: Three weeks?
BOY WONDER: Three.
ME: For all 120 pages?
BOY WONDER: Martin Lawrence has a window.
ME: Isn't he completely crazy?
BOY WONDER: Dehydrated.
ME: I'm in!
Here was the negotiation the next day:
STUDIO: How much do you guys want?
DFL: A buttload. You're asking him to write an entire screenplay in three weeks.
STUDIO: Boy Wonder wrote an outline. How hard can it be?
DFL: Boy Wonder is a twenty-two year old music video director.
STUDIO: But he's only working for three weeks.
DFL: And in that time he will write an ENTIRE screenplay.
STUDIO: But--
DFL: I understand you've already started production offices.
STUDIO: Ahhh....crap.
(DFL was much improved by that point in her career.)
So here's the plot: Martin Lawrence is a corrupt cop who's co-opted by an ex-member of the Chinese Triads (Asian Starlet) to help her kill her old lover, a Triad leader who's hiding out in Los Angeles.
Complications ensue.
Now this was in the pre-Rush Hour days when teaming up minority cultures for wacky action comedy wasn't its own sub-genre. And despite the fact that I suspected Boy Wonder had a streak of Michael Bay in him that was just bursting to get out, he'd written a pretty good outline and I knew it'd be over in three weeks.
So I start writing and things are flowing quite freely for a few days. Near the end of the first week I read my work. (Craft note: I read my pages from back to front, bottom to top. Don't ask.) Here's what I say to myself at the end of week one:
Man. I use the word fuck a lot.
Now those of you who are familiar with my blog entries probably don't consider this to be much of a revelation. I have been known to drop the f-bomb in Rumsfeldian proportions. But I'm a bit of a pacifist when it comes to dropping the screenplay f-bomb. First of all, there's the issue of infrastructure destruction. Second, we have no exit strategy--
Oh wait. Sorry. Wrong blog. Got all Rogers there for a second.
Anyway, I don't use much fuck when I'm getting paid. (I don't get paid much to fuck, either. But that, too, is a different blog.) But here I was, averaging at least 2.5 fucks per page in my Martin Lawrence script. So I had to look deep into my heart and ask myself this question:
Am I using the word "fuck" a lot because I'm writing this for a black guy?
Sure, the character's a streetwise, corrupt, L.A. cop, and most of them swear like, well like streetwise corrupt L.A. cops. But seriously, would I write dialogue like this if he was white:
"Hey. You hear me? You're not dead are you? Bleeding out all over the back seat? 'Cuz it would really freak me like a motherfucker to be talkin' to you if you were dead--"
Pure poetry my friends.
I spend the weekend in a huge liberal freakout guilt spiral having flashbacks to the last time I co-opted black culture for my own benefit: a very poorly received performance art piece in college involving me sitting cross-legged in front a television tuned to loud static while engaged in a very awkward call and response using selected pieces from Public Enemy's "It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back."
I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making that up.
So I send the pages to the Boy Wonder, figuring if someone's sensitive to racism it'd be a Hip Hop Asian. Maybe he'd tell me if I'd done something wrong.
He loved them.
Well...fuck. Now what? I decide to ask him straight out:
ME: Are you sure there aren't too many motherfuckers in there? Maybe he shouldn't talk so, I dunno, "street?"
BOY WONDER: Dude I gave your pages to Martin Lawrence's people. They think you're a fucking genius.
ME: Really?
BOY WONDER: Really.
ME: And they're like, black people?
BOY WONDER: The blackest.
ME: Well I'll be a motherfucker.
BOY WONDER: You are a motherfucker.
ME: So are you, Boy Wonder.
BOY WONDER: Now get back to work. You've got two weeks for ninety pages.
So two weeks later I'm finished with the most motherfuckingest script I have ever written. Martin Lawrence's character is, well, so fucking Martin Lawrence it's unbelievable, and Asian Starlet's character is pretty great, too. I love my little Hip Hop/Hong Kong Action movie, and so does the studio.
Only one problem.
BOY WONDER: Dude. We've gotta take a meeting with Asian Starlet at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
ME: Really? Why?
BOY WONDER: She wants to talk to you.
ME: Me?
BOY WONDER: You.
ME: Will there be food?
BOY WONDER: I wouldn't count on it.
ME: Uh oh.
So Boy Wonder and I go to the Beverly Hills Hotel. For those of you who've never been to the Beverly Hills Hotel, just go West on Sunset Blvd and turn North onto We're Going to Fuck You Up the Ass You Stupid Fucking Infinite Monkey Avenue. You can't miss it.
There are upholstered chairs with stripes and gold framed mirrors and people eating small cakes on tiny plates. I'm wearing my dress sweatpants (the ones with socks) and Boy Wonder's taken his hair out of the pony tail. We're reading for a MEETING!
Asian Starlet walks in with a serious posse of people who NEVER SPEAK but as far as I can tell run the entire Hong Kong film industry not run by Jackie Chan. She sits across from me and I immdiately decide that she is the type of person who, upon sitting down on it, changes a couch into a divan.
ASIAN STARLET: So Josh...I just thought the two of us should sit down and have a conversation.
ME: All right. That sounds like a great idea.
ASIAN STARLET: There's a reason for the conversation, of course.
ME: Yes?
ASIAN STARLET: I wanted you to hear my English.
ME: All right. Your English is...lovely.
ASIAN STARLET: My English is perfect. My parents grew up speaking perfect English. I grew up speaking perfect English. Do you hear an accent of any type?
ME: Well, maybe a hint of British--
ASIAN STARLET: Because my English is perfect. Not many Americans know that.
ME: I'm sure they'd be surprised.
ASIAN STARLET: They should know my English is perfect. Not the way you've written it in the script.
ME: The way I--
ASIAN STARLET: You've written it in "broken English." As if I didn't speak perfect English. Is that how you think Asians speak?
ME: No. Not at all. I mean--Boy Wonder, for example, his English is almost flawless--
BOY WONDER: I'm from Texas.
ME: Like I said--
ASIAN STARLET: So you'll change it.
ME: But...and excuse me for bringing this up...YOUR CHARACTER is from mainland China and has never been abroad before. She wouldn't speak--
ASIAN STARLET: Perfect. English.
If it's possible at this point her posse GETS EVEN QUIETER.
ME: Thank you for the heads up, ma'am.
AND THIS NEXT PART IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE...
ASIAN STARLET: One more thing about the language.
ME: Uh huh...
ASIAN STARLET: Martin's character swears too much. You'll have to take all the cursing out.
ME: But...his people...they're black...
ASIAN STARLET: I've seen every episode of "Martin."
ME: "Martin?"
ASIAN STARLET: He's never cursed. Not once.
ME: "Martin?"
And here's what's in Boy Wonder's eyes: "Damn. I wonder if I can still get that Brandy video."
Three weeks later Asian Starlet drops out. The project dies a quick death as Boy Wonder and I cannot convince the studio to hire little known actress Lucy Liu.
Fuck.
DFL: Hey. What are you doing for dinner tonight?
ME: Combining Lean Cuisine Chicken a la King with Lean Cuisine Beef Stroganoff into one fantastic meal of Lean King a la Stroganoff, why?
DFL: There's a director who wants to take you out for sushi and offer you a job writing a greenlit movie for a star.
ME: Sushi?
I throw on my best pair of mostly clean Adidas sweatpants and make a beeline to the restaurant, despite the fact that this is the same sushi restaurant where I first asked ex-girlfriend Actress "Is something wrong?"
But this is free sushi and the only downside might involve writing a script and getting paid for it (something I do try to avoid). The director is 22 years old, Asian, and by most accounts, the hottest boy wonder director of hip-hop videos this side of that one guy who directed that one video everybody loves where that one girl shakes her booty. I'm early and the Boy Wonder shows up driving the biggest SUV I've ever seen blaring the loudest rap music I've ever heard wearing the smallest glasses that could possibly fit on his face.
I'm immediately impressed.
And in case you don't think Hollywood's the smartest place on earth, here's the movie Asian/Hip-Hop Boy Wonder is directing: An action movie teaming up MARTIN LAWRENCE with A BEAUTIFUL ASIAN STARLET WHO HAPPENS TO BE A HONG KONG ACTION STAR...
If you're curious, here's how the studio "director meeting" went a month earlier:
EXEC: So we got Martin Lawrence. He's black...
OTHER EXEC: And we got Asian Action Starlet. She's...Asian?
EXEC: That's what her agent says. I've never seen her movies. Hong Kong, is like, far away.
OTHER EXEC: Totally far...So for a director we need...An Asian guy?
EXEC: Sure. Good idea. But...how 'bout a black guy?
OTHER EXEC: Hmm. Yeahhh. A Black guy. Now you're thinking...
EXEC: Wait! I got it! How about...an Asian guy...who thinks he's black!
OTHER EXEC: Awesome. Do we have a list for that?
EXEC: Of course we do...It's here somewhere...I think it's on the same page with "Female Directors We'd Actually Hire for Movies Budgeted over 30 million...Here it is.
OTHER EXEC: There's one name there.
EXEC: Let's call him.
So Boy Wonder plies me with toro, shows me a very detailed outline he's already written, and explains that the script needs to be written in three weeks.
ME: Three weeks?
BOY WONDER: Three.
ME: For all 120 pages?
BOY WONDER: Martin Lawrence has a window.
ME: Isn't he completely crazy?
BOY WONDER: Dehydrated.
ME: I'm in!
Here was the negotiation the next day:
STUDIO: How much do you guys want?
DFL: A buttload. You're asking him to write an entire screenplay in three weeks.
STUDIO: Boy Wonder wrote an outline. How hard can it be?
DFL: Boy Wonder is a twenty-two year old music video director.
STUDIO: But he's only working for three weeks.
DFL: And in that time he will write an ENTIRE screenplay.
STUDIO: But--
DFL: I understand you've already started production offices.
STUDIO: Ahhh....crap.
(DFL was much improved by that point in her career.)
So here's the plot: Martin Lawrence is a corrupt cop who's co-opted by an ex-member of the Chinese Triads (Asian Starlet) to help her kill her old lover, a Triad leader who's hiding out in Los Angeles.
Complications ensue.
Now this was in the pre-Rush Hour days when teaming up minority cultures for wacky action comedy wasn't its own sub-genre. And despite the fact that I suspected Boy Wonder had a streak of Michael Bay in him that was just bursting to get out, he'd written a pretty good outline and I knew it'd be over in three weeks.
So I start writing and things are flowing quite freely for a few days. Near the end of the first week I read my work. (Craft note: I read my pages from back to front, bottom to top. Don't ask.) Here's what I say to myself at the end of week one:
Man. I use the word fuck a lot.
Now those of you who are familiar with my blog entries probably don't consider this to be much of a revelation. I have been known to drop the f-bomb in Rumsfeldian proportions. But I'm a bit of a pacifist when it comes to dropping the screenplay f-bomb. First of all, there's the issue of infrastructure destruction. Second, we have no exit strategy--
Oh wait. Sorry. Wrong blog. Got all Rogers there for a second.
Anyway, I don't use much fuck when I'm getting paid. (I don't get paid much to fuck, either. But that, too, is a different blog.) But here I was, averaging at least 2.5 fucks per page in my Martin Lawrence script. So I had to look deep into my heart and ask myself this question:
Am I using the word "fuck" a lot because I'm writing this for a black guy?
Sure, the character's a streetwise, corrupt, L.A. cop, and most of them swear like, well like streetwise corrupt L.A. cops. But seriously, would I write dialogue like this if he was white:
"Hey. You hear me? You're not dead are you? Bleeding out all over the back seat? 'Cuz it would really freak me like a motherfucker to be talkin' to you if you were dead--"
Pure poetry my friends.
I spend the weekend in a huge liberal freakout guilt spiral having flashbacks to the last time I co-opted black culture for my own benefit: a very poorly received performance art piece in college involving me sitting cross-legged in front a television tuned to loud static while engaged in a very awkward call and response using selected pieces from Public Enemy's "It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back."
I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making that up.
So I send the pages to the Boy Wonder, figuring if someone's sensitive to racism it'd be a Hip Hop Asian. Maybe he'd tell me if I'd done something wrong.
He loved them.
Well...fuck. Now what? I decide to ask him straight out:
ME: Are you sure there aren't too many motherfuckers in there? Maybe he shouldn't talk so, I dunno, "street?"
BOY WONDER: Dude I gave your pages to Martin Lawrence's people. They think you're a fucking genius.
ME: Really?
BOY WONDER: Really.
ME: And they're like, black people?
BOY WONDER: The blackest.
ME: Well I'll be a motherfucker.
BOY WONDER: You are a motherfucker.
ME: So are you, Boy Wonder.
BOY WONDER: Now get back to work. You've got two weeks for ninety pages.
So two weeks later I'm finished with the most motherfuckingest script I have ever written. Martin Lawrence's character is, well, so fucking Martin Lawrence it's unbelievable, and Asian Starlet's character is pretty great, too. I love my little Hip Hop/Hong Kong Action movie, and so does the studio.
Only one problem.
BOY WONDER: Dude. We've gotta take a meeting with Asian Starlet at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
ME: Really? Why?
BOY WONDER: She wants to talk to you.
ME: Me?
BOY WONDER: You.
ME: Will there be food?
BOY WONDER: I wouldn't count on it.
ME: Uh oh.
So Boy Wonder and I go to the Beverly Hills Hotel. For those of you who've never been to the Beverly Hills Hotel, just go West on Sunset Blvd and turn North onto We're Going to Fuck You Up the Ass You Stupid Fucking Infinite Monkey Avenue. You can't miss it.
There are upholstered chairs with stripes and gold framed mirrors and people eating small cakes on tiny plates. I'm wearing my dress sweatpants (the ones with socks) and Boy Wonder's taken his hair out of the pony tail. We're reading for a MEETING!
Asian Starlet walks in with a serious posse of people who NEVER SPEAK but as far as I can tell run the entire Hong Kong film industry not run by Jackie Chan. She sits across from me and I immdiately decide that she is the type of person who, upon sitting down on it, changes a couch into a divan.
ASIAN STARLET: So Josh...I just thought the two of us should sit down and have a conversation.
ME: All right. That sounds like a great idea.
ASIAN STARLET: There's a reason for the conversation, of course.
ME: Yes?
ASIAN STARLET: I wanted you to hear my English.
ME: All right. Your English is...lovely.
ASIAN STARLET: My English is perfect. My parents grew up speaking perfect English. I grew up speaking perfect English. Do you hear an accent of any type?
ME: Well, maybe a hint of British--
ASIAN STARLET: Because my English is perfect. Not many Americans know that.
ME: I'm sure they'd be surprised.
ASIAN STARLET: They should know my English is perfect. Not the way you've written it in the script.
ME: The way I--
ASIAN STARLET: You've written it in "broken English." As if I didn't speak perfect English. Is that how you think Asians speak?
ME: No. Not at all. I mean--Boy Wonder, for example, his English is almost flawless--
BOY WONDER: I'm from Texas.
ME: Like I said--
ASIAN STARLET: So you'll change it.
ME: But...and excuse me for bringing this up...YOUR CHARACTER is from mainland China and has never been abroad before. She wouldn't speak--
ASIAN STARLET: Perfect. English.
If it's possible at this point her posse GETS EVEN QUIETER.
ME: Thank you for the heads up, ma'am.
AND THIS NEXT PART IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE...
ASIAN STARLET: One more thing about the language.
ME: Uh huh...
ASIAN STARLET: Martin's character swears too much. You'll have to take all the cursing out.
ME: But...his people...they're black...
ASIAN STARLET: I've seen every episode of "Martin."
ME: "Martin?"
ASIAN STARLET: He's never cursed. Not once.
ME: "Martin?"
And here's what's in Boy Wonder's eyes: "Damn. I wonder if I can still get that Brandy video."
Three weeks later Asian Starlet drops out. The project dies a quick death as Boy Wonder and I cannot convince the studio to hire little known actress Lucy Liu.
Fuck.
posted by josh at 6:00 PM
85 Comments:
Brilliant, Josh. Just brilliant. That's the way it goes.
- Eric Heisserer
Hah! Excellent story, and I can really sympathize (inasmuch as a non-professional screenwriter can sympathize with your professional anecdotes... I mean, sweatpants with socks? What are you, the Pope?)
I have a hard time with minority characters in what I've written, because if I write them speaking normally then I just think they come off "white", and if I try to make them streetier (or sassier if they're female) I feel like David Duke.
I really admire the writers of "Scrubs". I think they've done a great job writing minority characters who aren't defined by their race, but aren't raceless either. And when the characters do perpetuate stereotypes, it's in a very self-conscious way which takes the edge off.
Um, forgive the question since I don't know how these sorts of things work, but ... do they still Cut The Check if the project falls through? Do you get $0, $LESSTHANIDEAL, or $FULLAMOUNT?
I emerged from my shell to post a comment here... Yo, was that girl cold or what?
Or perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree.
----
I'm curious about the women directors list. I would suspect Nora Ephron, Penny Marshall, and maybe Mimi Leder were on it at one point. ($30 mil was a clue.) But they all have been more than a little shaky in terms of commercial success lately.
I know one thing: no fucking way Streisand was on that list!
Ha! Sounds like you were having a conversation with my Mom's younger, prettier, richer stunt double. The only thing... Mom speaks broken English. But, she'd have the same demands. Go figure.
There's only one female Asian action star who speaks perfect English that the studios would try to find a project for years ago.
And yes, there *are* educated people from Mainland China who speak grammatically and syntactically perfect English, albeit with a slight accent.
Well of course there are. But she wasn't supposed to be one of them.
Josh,
Another great post. IMHO, it's not cool to stereotype races. (There. I said it. Aren't I brave?) But it's perfectly fine to stereotype actors. If you're writing for Denzel or Morgan Freeman, or doing an MLK biopic, yes, you should probably spread your 'fuck's out a bit. But can you really see Samuel L shouting, "Darn snakes! Get off my effing plane!".
Granted, I've never written a word for any of the above, but that's how I see it.
Josh,
Great story. Sounds like you encountered a subset of the Asian Mafia.
Is this Asian chick still working out in Hollywood? Wonder Boy still directing videos?
-- BK
PS
Snakes on a plane...
Josh,
Great blog.
I am currently sitting next to a lovely young woman from mainland China. She does speak in clipped and broken English (as you would very credibly suspect), but it is easy to understand once you get the hang of it. We talk often. In fact, she once asked me if the best way to re-blend colour separated paint is to pour it into a smaller tin. When I asked her why she thought a smaller tin would help, she said; 'So I can get it into the microwave.'
We then had a very long conversation about not putting tins of paint in microwaves.
I never thought I'd say this to somebody who worked in the film industry, but mate, you got the sane one.
Dear folks--
Some of you may notice that I've deleted a few comments. I HATE the idea of deleting comments. I had a long talk with myself and decided that, while it's part of the game to figure out who people are, I'd prefer readers not "out" those actors, directors, agents, ex-girlfriends and CIA agents stationed in Africa who happen to be part of the blog. I know it's fun, but let's leave that to the professionals.
Thank you,
Management
I think Josh was himself, Boy Wonder, and Asian Starlet without realizing it. One of those multiple-personality dealies.
... Donald Kaufman presents The Three 2, coming soon to theaters near you.
I din't think you could buy sweats in California. Isn't that against the dresscode?
And I can't spel.
Well, the film he ended up making was an epic shitstorm, but I love his videos.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude, you've gotta expand on that little tickle of a craft note. How backwards and bottom-to-top are we talking? Like, "talking we are top to bottom and backwards how," bottom-to-top, and ooo Joshy likes the sound of that line because he can judge it best at that angle? Or are we just talking read a line, block of action, slugline, etc in traditional boring old L-to-R style, before proceeding up to the text immediately preceding the just-read text? Could someone pass the mind fuck? Thanks. In any case, it's cool, and you're nuts, but I have to scold you for likely turning half your obsessive fans onto this method, leaving their gray matter irretrievably knotted as they strive to write film as you do. I for one will stand by tradition (until you expound, and maybe even dash a little justification on us--at which point I'll Joshanate my drafts with fervor.) Take it easy.
It might not have been poetry, but picturing Martin Lawrence shouting those lines to a corpse in his back seat (during a big chase scene, I assume) made me laugh.
I assume there are many 'motherfucking' scripts out there that are never going to be put in front of a camera. My question is, is there a reason you can't post the Hong Fucking Kong script online for people like us to read it? Is it just in case you can revive it somehow or are there rights issues involved or something?
-Jack
Thanks, Josh. I needed a good laugh. Can't think of a better way to kick off the new year.
Other than the repenting for one's sins, of course.
I know it sounds petty, but over here in Taiwan I can kind of relate to the whole language/accent situation.
I speak Chinese well. I'm a citizen here, I went to school and served in the army here. If I'm talking on the phone with you in Chinese and you're a ChineseTaiwanese person, you'll be doing well to figure out I'm a white guy during the conversation. Not a chance if you're from Hong Kong. Sorry if that sounds like boasting, but it's true.
Thing is, every white person on Taiwanese TV has a ridiculous-sounding accent, and most can't speak anything but English. I realize that's most often the case, and I realize if I were an actor playing the role of a FOB foreigner I'd have to dumb it down.
It would grate on me, though. And I said relate, not condone. Asian Starlet should be shaken a few times by the neck, IMHO, but I can kinda see where she was coming from.
Still, shaken. Shaken well.
On the other hand, it's not a big deal, but if I was Asian Starlet making my American big screen debut, I'd want to sound the best I could. After all, what's going to get her roles in the future? Being hot but sounding like she can't speak English? Or being hot and fluent? Plus, by taking away all those f-bombs, you get that coveted PG-13 rating.
Besides, it's not like this is some realistic drama. If you can buy the triads and the dirty cop, you can also buy Chinese person with the flawless English.
Deal Joshua San: I rike post just as post is. Much rove, and keep brogging!
If you're characters are in the mob, does it really matter what kind of accent they have, as long as the setting is believable? I mean, they're IN THE MOB.
Because Big Pussy and Paulie Walnuts are SO speaking the King's English, know what I mean?
I just realized I came across as kind of a jerk in my last post. Sorry. In any case, I'm a hypocrite because I did something similar in a small role I had in one of Edward Yang's films. He wanted all the "foreigners" to speak in Mandarin Chinese and all the Taiwanese to speak in English. Of course I had to deliver all my lines in Minnan, wasting several takes and getting the director to come out of his cubbyhole to "have a chat" with me.
Ah, I didn't like that side of the camera anyhow.
Oh man, it's too bad you couldn't have just switched the way their characters talked somehow and had Martin Lawrence talk in broken syntax and the actress in perfect "motherfucking" English. That would have been funny.
I can only imagine how great that movie would have been. Who knew Lucy Lui would become so popular?
And what is with all the racial shit? Everyone's a little bit racist, we love the humor in it. Every race i s exploited by the other for a laugh, just as long as it's not serious (i.e. for a COMEDY MOVIE) why bother to worry.
I am rather disturbed by the sweatpants in Hollywood thing, but as you said, you're not the classiest guy in town.
Totally true story. I'm one of those filthy Europeans. I also write. Kinda.
Anyhow once I was asked to script doctor a mind-bogglingly racist script featuring a fish out of water Afro-American having comic misadventures in an offensively clichéd version of my native land.
Given that the script actually managed to get vital details about LA's geography wrong I'll leave it to your imaginations to conjure the bucolic vision of my homeland it was pushing.
Deliberating over the gig I decided not to doctor it. In fact my note about why I couldn't re-write, doctor or polish the thing was brutally honest.
But the producer kept badgering me and reminding me how much work he'd thrown my way so I decided to ask for a basically silly sum of money. The producer reached for his cheque book and assured me it wouldn't be a problem.
Having now decided that a really Big ass TV and a month long holiday would soon help me forget my utter lack of integrity I decided to give it my best shot and pitched the producer my vision. I would take that hackneyed offensively clichéd script and turn it into an adroit satire equal parts Spartacus and Local Hero.
The producer seemed pleased with my take and we both both proceeded to relay my take on it via speakerphone to his more senior producing partner. His response "that's a clever idea. It's very funny. But it won't work. We want to market this at the 'urban audience' and the 'urban audience'doesn't get satire." He said the last bit wearily, as if it were a law of nature beyond mortal control.
Eventually wound up doing some work on it but felt much better about myself when I heard that all my lines were jettisoned. Still got myself that TV mind you.
Jinkies Friedman, why not just take out the fucks and let Martin put them back in, as you know he would, in front of the camera?
Do you actually own any pants?
They make dress sweat pants?!
I gotta get some!
Great. I thought you phoned in “The Devil Made Me Pitch It.” It seemed kinda forced. This new entry proves you have not jumped the shark. Whew!
Hey Dave... that film you're talking about is being shown here in Istanbuls FilmEkimi (sort of like a festival, with week of screenings of upcoming films..). How do you feel it turned out? I haven't seen it, but the premise is promising. Young etiopian boy is sent away by his mother to Israel during the famine of '84. Israel has decided to welcome african jews, but he's not a jew - and must face their hospitality eventhough he's been let into Israel on a lie...
FYI guys...
Asian Starlet = Demi Moore.
Josh:
Your blog has fast become one of my favorite reads.
You have a fucking excellent blog here. Even the comments are funny.
I'll be motherfucking shocked if there's not a "Stalking Josh Friedman" moment/movie/blog in your future.
Hi Josh,
great story. I dont think that the f-word is a black and white thing, look at Charles Bukowski, he sure used it a lot. Its more a classy thing some rich motherfuckers think they have...
You ever heard British people speak chinese? Broken does not begin to describe. Try writing that shit. Or just put (in broken Chinese). Damn why didnt I think of that?!
Negroies are HeeeLARIOUS.
And boy them orientls'r sure preeculeear.
Finally, to the commenter above, I WOULD actually be tickled gay to hear Sam Jackson blurtin' "Darn snakes! Get off my effing plane!",...expishilly iffn he was dressed up as a GIRL.
BITE THE FLOWER!
BITE THE FLOWERS THAT PEE!
Was the Asian actress Mandarin or Cantonese? If she is Mandarin, they're more reserved in their attitudes and behavior. If she's Cantonese, that's a whole other thing. I asked my accupuncurist who is Mandarin, whether it was true that monkey brains from a living monkey were really a delicacy. She frowned and said, "That's Cantonese. They'll eat anything."
- MKW
Sensibilityischeap (angry asian man):
Well now you've done it. If you want to suggest I'm racist that's fine and dandy, but you've done something much worse: suggest I'm a hack.
So you've forced me to do something I vowed to myself I wouldn't do. Answer a comment in earnest.
Part of the problem here is mine: it's not clear from the post (because of how she phrased it to me) exactly HOW I had written her character originally. She wasn't written as a "stereotype." I never wrote her in Charlie Chan "broken English. Here English was limited, but there were no malapropisms, funny misunderstandings of slang, etc. Her inability to speak "perfect English" was never played for laughs.
Her character was not a "modern" person. She lived in the past, she was obsessed with older values, she was a woman out of time. When she tracks her old lover to America she cannot depend upon the Chinese community in America because anyone who knows who he is, is terrified of him.
Therefore, she's stuck depending upon the last person you'd want to depend upon: a corrupt cop who's plugged into the criminal underground. Her language issues were character-based and also provided a dramatic obstacle. They were organic to who she was and what her problem needed to be.
The actress did not give a shit about that. What she cared about was being portrayed in what SHE PERCEIVED as the best possible light. For her, a lack of English mastery equated to ignorance--not simply "foreignness." Like you said, I'm whip smart and went to an Ivy league school. I know the difference between someone lecturing me in the ways of their culture and someone being a snob.
Besides, some of my best friends are screenwriters.
Great story. Reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld with George in his sweatpants trying to fit in and talk "street". Love it.
Mark
Mark's Screenwriting Page
sensibilityischeap,
go for it dude. write yourself a nifty script. you do it. do a script where jews are negroes and asians are white ladies and peanut butter is jelly.
you play david hasselhoff, we'll get a cripple to play the car, and ummm a puppy will be a building and all the air and cement will be totally special effecty.
BUT! if you don't write me, a freckled man, into the script as the hero, coach DURBAN SLADE, we'll then you're just like every other friggin' asian i ever met.
you're ALL THE SAME.
freckle hating assholes!
your apology was gay.
jerusalem? .... i don't even know'em
You can't blame L.L. for sticking to her guns for waryness of being type-cast, but this also reveals a disinterest or possible inability to be a character-actor/actress. Perhaps she could have spoken grammatically correct english with a slight accent/affectation, though maybe she still would not be interested. And I'm still not sure she could even pull that off without it sounding funny (ha-ha AND peculiar).
First we have the DFL, then the angry Asian, and NOW... the angry Asian Lesbian...
Asian man:
"didn't mean that to sound gay."
in a post apologizing for assuming someone is racist, you show yourself to be homphobic. Lovely. Truly. Lovely.
Merkley: I don't know WHAT your problem is... Blacks aren't "Heelarious Neegros", Asian's don't always speak broken English, and "GAY" isn't automatically a bad thing.
Why do blogs always turn into rants which inevitably always turn into rows? Does anything else show as simply and perfectly that whether black white yellow or red indian, we're all the same. Angry, defensive and insecure. Damn you and your contentious issues.
So is this blog going to keep being a Monday-only thing? Because now in my head I'm linking you with typical Monday night sitcoms about beefy guys sitting on the couch while their hot wives bicker with them and the laugh track cackles.
And I don't think anyone wants that.
2 f***ing funny--Josh
PLEASE tell me who that boy wonder director is? Really interested in how big he was and what he has directed.
Hey Josh. “Boy Wonder” here. (1) We used to have the same big screen tv set, but yours had the $20k sound system. (2) Last time I bumped into you was at a Sushi place on Highland and Santa Monica. (3) I am very impressed you wrote a Spielberg movie.
Anyway, funny post. I totally forgot that fucked up actress meeting. For the most part, accurate. Except I never knew I thought I was black. I’ll consider that a compliment.
But.
Goddammit, I never wore a ponytail in my life.
Josh, another great story. I look forward to your "Adventures in the Monkey Business" tales every week.
My advice to you or any other writer that's creating minority characters is to tell the truth.
Everything you've written on your blog is from the heart, inciteful and truthful. These qualities are, in my mind, the essence of good storytelling.
If a writer says in their mind, "When I write them speaking normally then I think they come off "white", that's a stereotype. What's sounding white?
I should probably say that I'm black... er African American, or whatever label I'll be given in 10 years which I won't have a choice in. I've had conversations on the phone with people that didn't know I was black. In every one of those cases, when I met these people I can see the surprise in their eyes. I can only guess that in their minds they're thinking, "Well, he didn't sound black." What's sounding black?
I know, I know, we're dealing with stereotypes. Unfortunately, there is truth in these stereotypes.
I can write a scene with a latina maid, latina lawyer and a latino truck driver and they'd all sound differently. Why? Because I've had the good fortune of living in multicultural LA and had conversations with people from every socio-economic class, ethnic group and race. Well, maybe not "every" but a lot.
My youngest son's nanny was Hungarian. I live in a little United Nations neighborhood. My wife and I chose private schools for our kids based on their multicultural make-up. At birthday parties I have conversations with parents that are Latino, Armenian, Phillipino, Russian, and on and on and on. In my experience, when a producer hands a black actor a script, if the dialogue is "too white," the actor has the freedom to change it if it doesn't sound right to him. So people shouldn't worry about making a character sound "too" anything. TELL THE TRUTH.
What is the truth of that human being? The truth of the Asian charater was that she didn't speak fluent english. The ego of the actress wasn't going to allow that portrayal.
Someone in this thread wrote "We all have a little racism in us." I may be paraphrasing, but that's essentially what was said. I don't agree with that. I've been around people that didn't have a racist bone in their bodies. Some of these people were completely clueless with regards to race and stereotypes. Saying we all have it in us seems to me to be a justification for ones own prejudices, which is fine. I don't have a problem with that as long as you look in the mirror and know that's who you are.
My parents generation moved from the deep south to get away from racism. However, my dad always said "The difference between a southerner (in his time) and everyone else, is the cracker will let you know where you stand with him. If he doesn't like you, you'll know it. Everyone else will smile in your face and (n-word deleted) you when you're gone."
Bottom line for me people, just tell the truth.
MKW
MKW, I completely agree with you. Here's the chicken-and-egg problem though. I'm writing for an audience. My goal is to immerse them in the story, and get them to believe that these characters, and their conflicts, are real.
If I write a minority character speaking "normally", then I'm likely to violate the stereotypes in the audience. This will break their immersion, to different extents depending on how firmly they hold those stereotypes.
Now it's possible that I'd also be causing them to subconsciously challenge their assumptions. Maybe next time they'd be a little more accepting of a black guy with perfect diction. I may have the opportunity to make the world a slightly better place. Maybe.
So does art reflect, or define society? Do I have an obligation to sacrifice some mainstream acceptance of my script in order to have an at-best-marginal effect on racial attitudes? Or does society have an obligation to evolve its attitudes before "normal" speaking characters of all races in movies can become commonplace?
I tend to believe the latter, on this point in particular. The reason I believe that is, just because a minority character speaks "street" or broken English doesn't mean I can't write them as an intelligent character. Sure, that may also violate the audience's stereotypes, but on a much more subtle level than patterns of speech. I think I can get away with that, and so that's what I write, and (in my opinion) that buys my liberal guilt a lot of forgiveness for my having written stereotypical dialog.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
To all--
Yes, that truly is Boy Wonder dialing us up and commenting on himself. I'm so meta-blogged I don't know what to do...Sorry about the pony tail thing, BW. I thought all Asians wore pony tails.
management.
sayla v
I don't have a problem with writers using stereotypes. I understand the problem of presenting an audience with an image they can instantly identify. My problem isn't with the stereotype, it's with the truth.
Here's a perfect example...
Several years ago I went to an awards ceremony for aspiring screenwriters in which the winning script got a staged reading of one scene. 4 or 5 black actors were seated on the stage and they read this dialogue about basketball. After the scene was over, the audience applauded and then the writer walked onto the stage to take a bow. He was asian.
When he stepped up to the microphone he said, "I bet you're surprised to see me, huh?" Everyone in the audience laughed. He was right. The dialogue was truthful. I was so intrigued that I managed to get a copy of the script to read. I would defy anyone to read that script and be able to say the writer wasn't black.
Maybe the guy grew up in a black neighborhood or had several close black friends or watched "Yo MTV Raps" when it was on. Whatever the case, the writing was from the heart, human and truthful.
Was it stereotypical? Of course. A group of black men and basketball, rather stereotypical, but it wasn't offensive because it sounded real. It was truthful.
Martin Lawrence is a walking stereotype in my opinion. If you're going to write something for him, it better sound like him to everyone involved, except an uninformed asian actress.
That's my take. There's no need for liberal guilt when creating these characters. Just make them real, breathing human beings. Tell the truth.
MKW
MKW, the problem is that no characters are "truthful" in the strictest sense of the word. Most screenplays are fiction, and even the "nonfiction" ones are adaptations of true events. Even Good Night, and Good Luck's Joe McCarthy (played by Joe McCarthy) isn't necessary a "true" character, since the movie will have to pick and choose exerpts of his words to fit the storyline.
I know what you're getting at... the characters just need to feel authentic more than anything else. But not all of us have been as fortunate as you have to be exposed to people of different cultures. So my personal struggle is that I simply may not know what "the truth" is for a character. How do I know whether my black cop with the ghetto background resembles the truth of people who have lived that? I don't know any black cops from the ghetto. I don't know any Mexican drug lords. I don't know any alcoholic Irishmen from South Boston. I don't know any Rabbis, or Japanese businessmen, or Nazis, or Arab cab drivers, or redneck farmers, or African tribesmen, or Rastafarians, or Cockneys, or Mafiosi.
However, there's an excellent chance that my script will involve at least one character with no paralleling acquaintance in my life. How do I know that what I'm writing for them is "authentic", rather than a function of my stereotypes? Maybe it's okay to have stereotypes, maybe it's not, but there's definitely the possibility that my stereotypes are based on non-authentic characterizations that have been presented to me.
You could make a nice short film out of this post -- writer in sweatpants about to eat lean cuisine, gets call, eats sushi with the director (a truly cinematic character), gets job, writes like crazy, Martin Lawerence loves it, etc. Everything is a go until the meeting with that actress, which would be lovely to recreate for the rest of us.
I love your site!
sayla v
I understand what you're saying. It is a dilemma. I think all you can do is be as honest in your portrayal as you possibly can. I had a teacher that frowned on writers not doing in-depth research. His feeling was, if you're going to write about a cop, do a ride-a-long. Learn what they do, how they feel, what it's like to be in their shoes. Since my initial exposure to this business was in front of the camera, that made sense to me because. Method actors immerse themselves in the milieu of their character. They want to observe the who, what,where, when and how of real human beings, then create from their imagination. However, none of us was around to see the fall of the Roman Empire. All the research in the world can only lead you to make educated guesses.
I don't know if anyone reading this wrote "Domino," but by just looking at the trailer, I'm disappointed. This was a geat chance to do something compelling with an action movie. Think about it, a fashion model becomes a bounty hunter sounds like the crappy premise of the usual run-of-the-mill TV show. However, Domino Harvey was a real living, breathing, human being that must have been really screwed up. She OD'd over the summer.
The "truth" about that woman would have made a more compelling story than the over-the-top Tony Scott treatment this movie is selling. A real bounty hunter lives a scary double life. Why would a woman that's a fashion model turn to such a job? What internal demons drove her to that? My skin tingles thinking about the "truth" in a story like that. Maybe someone will make a documentary about her and tell the truth.
MKW
just random thoughts...
1. I can't imagine wearing sweatpants of any stripe in L.A. - too f'cking hot.
2. Speaking of Jackie Chan, I seem to remember in Rush Hour, when Lee (Jackie Chan) first meets Carter (Chris Tucker), Carter assumes he can't speak English (and so does the audience) which Lee parlays to his advantage (he gets to hear what Carter really thinks of him).
I know it would have been a different movie, Josh, based on your description of the Asian character here in the comments -- but it could have been used in some movie where the Asian character's broken English was a cover and the audience gets to see one scene where she speaks impeccable Queen's English. Not this movie, I know. Sounds like she had something to prove and she was invariably going to find "something" to establish herself as The Diva Who Must Be Reckoned With.
3. There's a difference between racism and cultural recognition. The PC Police miss the difference.
EVERY person I've met (no matter their color/stripe/spots) will reflect their cultural background - be it "street" or Sunday Mass. IMHO, you aren't being a racist if you are honestly depicting your character's cultural background.
4. Love your blog, Josh. Your writing keeps me humble. :)
All these race issues, so serious...
Can't we get back to more relaxed yet equally important topics, like whethere Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are still hitched?
Apparently the rings are back on their fingers, but there's still a sign-up sheet at the Carl's Jr. in West Hollywood for anyone who wants a shot at being her next husband. Applicants should be well-endowed and deaf.
Josh, are you not posting because you're upset by certain comments about this post? We miss you...
The script for Domino is easily the best script I've ever read. It's a funny, flat-out-fucking-insane romp. It seems they toned it down a bit, getting rid of god as a character among other things, but I'm rather stoked considering how much I loved Beat the Devil.
Word is that Josh is in Toronto, doing last-minute rewrites on Deuce Bigalow III.
No, seriously.
Hey, well, in fear of a Josh absence, I give you Vern, www.geocities.com/outlawvern.
Please update. I'm going through withdrawals.
Boy Wonder, welcome to the blog! Any chance you feel like revealing your true identity to us all?
Dear son,
Thought I would do my random check of the quantity and quality of your postings -- only to find out that they may be petering out. Fool's gold?
Then I remembered that your were not "The" Josh Friedman, Pulitzer Prize winnning journalist for the Los Angeles Times. As you recall, during our period of estrangement, I actually thought you were him; I was SO PROUD of what I believed were your efforts and accomplishments.
Then your mother told me that you were not him. Yes, I admit I was disappointed; but still proud of you, only somewhat less so. However, I have kept my subscription to the L.A. Times, so I can see your name more often than here, even though his is not actually yours.
Love,
Dad
YO - Josh - lets go with the new one already. I have enough dissapointment in my life. I dont need to go to your site and not see a new post. I'm one flat tire away from a bullet in the head. Kidding, but really, in my best Ted Knight "well, we're waitinggg"
People, people, calm down...It is the Jewish high holy time. Tomorrow is Yom Kippur.
(I live and work in one of the most heavily Jewish parts of Cleveland. Schools are closed. Many co-workers are on holiday.)
Josh is probably spending time with his family, preparing to atone for all his f-bombs and purported lack of racial sensitivity, among other things.
Walt is a zombie now.
Oo, your dad's a big softie; I bet that's his way of saying he's eagerly waiting for the next one. As are we all.
I like movies about women in prison. I don't appreciate the sterotype that women in prison all wear doo rags and call each other "momma."
I do however like the one about midnight pillowfights and swapping backrubs for smokes.
For the record, I also like midgets.
oh leave josh alone. he's got what every hungry unknown scripter desperately wants: a job. well that's what i want, at least.
i gotta say, this is wonderfully entertaining, and tho he made it clear this isn't a screenwriting clinic, i've learned a lot. kind of.
the Payoff is unbelievable. Thanks for this great story Mr.
Fear Of A Josh Planet has, sadly for me, become the most dissapointing part of my every morning. Every day, I say, well lets try the next blog button, and some asian 14 year old with crap music and entirely different format blog pops up, its not cool. Sometimes its not asian, relax asians, geez. Funny no one has said in that last post Josh got "Lost In Translation". Oh yeah, 'cause that's lame, well at least there's always query letters I love, or Julie Goes To Hollywood, John August I'm not such a fan.
Okay people, we need to quit feeding The Friedman's ego.
The longer he waits between posts, the higher his score in the comments game. I think this post is 91. Alright Josh, you win already! Time for a new post, and this time, only the comments that come in the first five days count towards your score.
You're already beating all the other screenwriters anyway, geez.
Josh - I've read a couple of your posts. You're a funny guy. Yeah I mean funny. Yes, you're here to amuse me. Anyway, during your carpet run of F-bombs did you find the need to unleash the unmitigated fury of some thermonuclear N-jonts? You seem like a pretty hip white guy, hip enough to hang at sushi restaurants in sweatpants with hip Asian directors. Nice. Your life is like a bad movie inside a Tarantino movie of a guy writing a movie. Real Nice. Anyway, you seem like a cool guy, cool enough in fact to launch some N-missles across the bow - its edgy, its urban, its all the rage. So how was it? The N-bunker busters that is. Come on Josh, you my Nigga right? Holla at a nigga. ( I have official license of N-word usage.)
Deuce. Bigalow. III.
Word is he's due back this weekend, though. Though his TiVo might be too backed up to expect him to do much blogging for a while.
The problem with discussing race is that the people I agree with and the people I disagree with are touchy motherfucking assholes.
Please post!
Please post!
Yes, I'm begging.
Please.
Don't beg. Never beg.
WE never beg. get begged for? Yes. Us? Beg? Mevah.
We can't type or proofread before hitting "submit" either...
Josh,
I was just wondering if you could let us know how many hours a day you speant writing, for the three weeks you had to complete the screenplay?
Many thanks.
Dave.
That's really a beautiful way way to represent things.
Interesting!!!
Love the way you lie!! errr... I mean "write"
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