Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I'm Your Friend, Eddie

A number of you have written me (or one of you with multiple personalities) and asked if I'm still represented by the dumb fucking lesbian from my last post. The answer is no. But I love her like the crazy sister I never had, was ashamed of, denied being related to until forced by my parents, and then ultimately appreciated for all her quirks. Despite her absolute stone cold inability to keep a straight face during negotiations she was one of the best agents a boy could have. Here's why:

FIRST SOME OF WHAT WE PROFESSIONALS LIKE TO CALL "BACKSTORY."

If any of you have checked me out on IMDB you'll note that I wrote the Oscar-winning screenplay to Keanu Reeves's most famous movie "Chain Reaction." I've only got a shared story credit now but it began as a spec script sold by yours truly some months after making his first $20,000 on the previously discussed serial killer movie. I got paid pretty well but I was still living in the attic and driving my mother's Honda. In the future I'll write about selling this script but all you need to know right now is this: There is ONE line in the movie left over from my spec.

"I'm your friend, Eddie."

I was fired after writing three drafts which included three totally different third acts. The studio told me they thought I was "burned out." This happens when people set you on fire.

My original script (called Dead Drop) was set in Washington, D.C. and concerned a married, fifty-year-old inventor for the CIA who goes on the run with his wife after discovering one of his inventions was used to kill a Senator.

The movie Chain Reaction is not about that. It's about cold fusion.

For those of you who don't know, cold fusion is a scientific process by which development executives set young writers on fire and create jackass movie macguffins in the resulting oxygen vacuum.

So I'm fired because clearly I'm not qualified to fuck up a good idea like the adults can. I'm sent to the kiddie table (also known as "the unemployment line") while a series of writers (at least eight) take their seats around the Idea Lazy Susan (also known as Development of an Action Movie).

Months go by. The movie is greenlit. Pre-production comes and goes...Film rolls...

Then the fun begins. RING. RING.

PRODUCERS: Hey Josh. Long time no talk.
ME: How's it going?
PRODUCERS: Well, you know we're in production here in Chicago.
ME: I heard.
PRODUCERS: Thing is, we kinda don't have a writer.
ME: Hm?
PRODUCERS: Our writer left. We need one.
ME: Really? But you had so many of them.
PRODUCERS: And a third act. We need that, too.
ME: Don't have a third act, do you? With all those writers?
PRODUCERS: So whattya say...why don't you come on out to Chicago for ten weeks? We'll put you up in the Four Seasons. Pay you a weekly rate. It'll be great.
ME: Sounds...hm...spectacular.
PRODUCERS: It is YOUR script. You OWE IT to your work. Oh and by the way...You'd need to come the day after tomorrow.

I'm beginning to suspect that Eddie may not actually be my friend.

Now I have not seen the script for months. They send it over and I read it before lunch. It's...well, let's just say a lot of cold fusion has taken place. I try to communicate my dismay to Agent but she's just too excited by this AWESOME AMOUNT OF MONEY I'll make if I take this job at a weekly rate. I ask her to read the script over lunch so we can talk. But I know where she's at: she's a 25 year old newbie agent whose client has a shot to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Who cares if the script's drifted a little bit?

She reads the script and calls me.

AGENT: This isn't your script.
ME: They claim it is.
AGENT: It's nothing like your script. What do they expect from you?
ME: They said Mamet was fired off of The Verdict and he came back and won an Academy Award.
AGENT: They went back to Mamet's script on The Verdict. They're already shooting this movie.
ME: Not the third act.
AGENT: Don't do it.
ME: What?
AGENT: Don't do it. Don't be your own hack.

Now understand that I did not have another job at this time. And she had approximately...three clients. Between the two of us we could've used the gig.

So of course I didn't do it.

I would love to say that some wonderful job came around the corner soon after that--a job I would not have been able to do had I been freezing my ass off in Chicago. But nothing did. Still I don't regret the decision and love my old agent for supporting me as a writer and not just a paycheck.

I also love her for this:

The premiere rolls around and I take Agent along with Girlfriend Before Wife. I watch the movie like anyone else would: I have no fucking clue what's going to happen. Especially in the third act. When it's over I stagger out mumbling something about my Eddie. I tell Agent I'm going home instead of to the party. She goes ballistic on me:

"THE FUCK IF YOU ARE. THIS IS YOUR FIRST MOVIE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU KILL YOURSELF AFTERWARDS BUT YOU ARE GOING TO GO TO THAT PARTY, SMILE A FUCKING SMILE, EAT THEIR FUCKING FOOD, AND DRINK THEIR FUCKING ALCOHOL. THEN AND ONLY THEN MAY YOU GO HOME."

So I went to the party and I would love to say it was this total Molly Ringwald "Pretty in Pink" moment where I'm in my homemade dress and Girlfriend Before Wife is Ducky but here's the reality:

I smiled my fucking smile. I ate their fucking food and drank their fucking alcohol. I sat in a corner with Girlfriend Before Wife and only one person approached us the whole night to say hello. It was bitter and awkward and felt a little like Jewish Summer Camp.

And I'd have been really pissed if I'd missed that.


In my next post I'll conclude my Dumb Fucking Lesbian Trilogy with the Demise of our Partnership...

30 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dumb Fucking Lesbian Trilogy? I registered that treatment with the Guild two months ago. You, sir, shall be hearing from my lawyer.

Your dad referred him to me. :)

Great blogging, sir. Absolutely great.

8/24/2005 11:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i really love "i smiled my fucking smile."

8/25/2005 12:18 AM  
Blogger Stephen Gallagher said...

Cold fusion? Been there. They hire science advisors. The advisor foolishly thinks he's there to advise on the science. He's actually there to provide some flimflam to add ornamentation to whatever it is they already want to do with the plot.

If he tells them that what they want to do is stupid, they call that 'the tail trying to wag the dog'.

8/25/2005 2:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I woulda taken the fucking job already.

8/25/2005 4:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, I am now your biggest fan. Not because of this story in particular -- but all of them so far. Keep it coming.

8/25/2005 4:43 AM  
Blogger Gia said...

"The studio told me they thought I was "burned out." This happens when people set you on fire."

Love those lines!

Can't wait to read the conclusion of your d-f lesbian trilogy!

8/25/2005 4:44 AM  
Blogger Roger Alford said...

Josh, your blog is now at the top of my speed dial. Can't wait for the next installment!

8/25/2005 5:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wonderful fucking punctuation sir.

8/25/2005 7:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

so was your 'story by' credit for the original spec a free bonus credit? If there was only one sentence of yours in the film and you got any kind of a credit, I'd thank my lucky stars, cash the check and don't count your chickens

8/25/2005 7:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome Josh - awesome -

8/25/2005 8:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your dumb fucking lesbian newbie agent sounds wonderful. We should all be so lucky.

(And as a veteran of Jewish summer camp, I thank you for the laughs. Great blog.)

8/25/2005 8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see a reliable pattern emerging.

I have summarized it with the following algorithm:

IF ((FRIEDMAN.POSTS) = YES)
{
THEN:
    {
        SET (EVERY OTHER READER COMMENT) =
        RANDOM.APPROXIMATION["BLOG KICKS ASS"]
    }
} LOOP FOR [EACH ARTICLE]

8/25/2005 8:32 AM  
Blogger josh said...

Moviequill--
If you're the original writer you have a guaranteed irreducible story credit. They couldn't take it away no matter what I had in there.

8/25/2005 10:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, any insights why so many scripts are rewritten?

After seeing an interview with Paul Haggis on the Million Dollar Baby DVD, I was surprised to see Clint Eastwood directed the film from the first draft, which is unheard of.

8/25/2005 11:02 AM  
Blogger Mark said...

Josh,

Great blog. Loved the definiton of "burnt out". Excellent stuff.

Mark
Mark's Screenwriting Page

8/25/2005 11:35 AM  
Blogger Marcy Green said...

funny. sad. true. chain reaction sucked. whoever is responsible

8/25/2005 11:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fucking brillant, man.

8/25/2005 1:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great story. Keep them coming.
I think I'd have taken the rewrite gig and then regretted it for, like, the rest of my life.

8/25/2005 11:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i am no fan of ye, friedman
rival to the bone
sucking guffaws wide and deep
i write alas alone
not a penny slung at my
raptured riddled prose
could hold a flame aginst the likes
of a name like "josh", a nose

8/26/2005 12:30 AM  
Blogger Dara said...

It's 3am, I can't sleep because I'm a paranoid writer sure the next deal is gonna get yanked out from underneath me (I wasn't like this when I started this business, I swear...), and your blog just gave me a whole lotta hope. Thanks, Josh. You gotta write more about the people at USC being insufferable idiots.

8/26/2005 3:10 AM  
Blogger notarysojack said...

First thing this morning, after reading about Microsoft's deal to make a movie based on "Halo"?

I'm back at work on my own adaptation of a video game. I don't want to give too much away, but my working title is: "Tetris."

8/26/2005 7:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm interested in seeing your fucking smile. Is that a lot like your oral sex grimace? I kid. I'm a kidder. I came across your blog a few days ago and I'm in love. Thanks for posting.

8/26/2005 7:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I just found out about your blog (thx to Kris Tapley's in contention blog) My question is, if I'm ready to option one of my scripts, do you recommend to have it registered at the wga before or what should I do?

8/26/2005 5:23 PM  
Blogger RB Ripley said...

So, the lesbian agent rocks. Good stuff.

8/26/2005 5:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Most recent anonymous poster, here's some friendly advise:

First, read this - http://www.wordplayer.com/columns/wp34.Throw.in.the.Towel.html

Next, read this - http://www.wordplayer.com/columns/wp04.Steal.this.Column.html

Then, read this - http://www.wordplayer.com/columns/wp38.Breaking.the.Ice.html

That should just about sum it up.

8/27/2005 4:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very funny. Why the hell aren't you writing comedies???

8/27/2005 5:38 PM  
Blogger writergurl said...

Ha! So, the dumb fucking lesbian wasn't so damn dumb after all. See, told ya! ;)

8/28/2005 12:14 AM  
Blogger josh said...

Zak--
You're correct in your Dead Drop recollection...And I've brought this up to them in the past and they laugh at me. But (you) and I should keep trying.

8/28/2005 9:35 PM  
Blogger Robert Green said...

And if i recall correctly (and i do) i went with you to that Premiere, Josh. and i believe the look on your face was...ashen? ghost-like? something akin to what happens when you are only halfway down the worm-hole?

right? at the westwood mann's? i think it was the first premiere i ever went to, and all i could think was "how fucking hard can this whole process be if it ends with a movie this hideously malformed?"

i think my own career has answered that question quite nicely.

robert green

9/13/2005 4:53 PM  
Blogger josh said...

Robert--
As usual, you are correct on all counts.

9/13/2005 9:24 PM  

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