Saturday, August 20, 2005

The Koepp and I (Part II)

So where was I?

Right. Driving around Los Angeles counting billboards with my name on them (too high, can't see, who cares) and posters without my name on them (eye level, every bustop and movie theater, drive by two of them five times a day on my way home from anywhere). But whatever. I'm bigger than that.

Did I mention the trailers?

I try to find my happy place and look forward to the big Westwood premiere. I tell myself I'm bigger than this but I know part of my excitement for the Westwood premiere will be walking around afterwards and NOT having to tell the 1200 suits who saw the movie that I wrote it.

And in case you don't know how this is going I'll get right to it: there is no Westwood premiere. Only a New York premiere. A big fancy Red Cross Benefit downtown at the Ziegfield Theater with a big hoo-hah afterwards at a Museum somewhere.

An away game.

Here are three important factors:

1. I hate to travel.
2. I hate to travel on airplanes due to a previously discussed motion sickness issue and a very real fear of death.
3. I won't know anybody at the premiere other than Wife whom I can confidently say is going to speak to me.

So I decide to go.

Agent's assistant calls the studio: Josh and Wife are coming to New York for the premiere.
Studio: That's well and fine for Josh and Wife. But don't think we're paying for his airfare or his hotel.
Agent's assistant: It's in his contract that you have to pay for his airfare and hotel.
Studio: No it isn't. Prove it to us.
Agent's assistant: I'm faxing over the relevant page right now.
(sound of fax machine...)
Studio: Would they like a smoking or non-smoking room?

This is how they do you in Hollywood.

So Wife and I get our shit together to go on our first trip away from our baby and I try to convince myself everything's gonna be fine and no one's gonna stop me at the door and ask me for a secret handshake I don't know. The night before we leave I'm packing everything up and I take a look at the fancy invite I've had sitting on my desk for three weeks. There's an RSVP number on it that I've never called because I'M THE WRITER OF THE FUCKING MOVIE and it's never occurred to me that after a dozen phone calls with the studio coordinating flights and hotels and limos, etc. that I should have to RSVP TO MY OWN FUCKING MOVIE.

You see where this is going.

I call. Just...to be sure.

RSVP WOMAN: Hello, War of the Worlds RSVP line.
ME: Hi, yeah. This is Josh Friedman. I'm calling to RSVP. I know I'm four days late on that, but...I mean this RSVP wasn't really referring to me was it?
RSVP WOMAN: It refers to everyone, sir.
ME: But not, like, me, right? I wrote the movie.
RSVP WOMAN: Everyone.
ME: So what does that mean?
RSVP WOMAN: It means I don't have seats for you.

Now understand something: the office with which I am dealing is the SAME OFFICE that is handling my airfare, hotel and limousine service. There are TWO PEOPLE working in this office and THE OTHER ONE is the one we've been talking to. But these are two different people and two different desks and clearly two different yet parallel worlds. One world I exist in, the other I don't. It's enough to make me miss dating Stephen Hawking. I cannot help but wonder aloud (but not too aloud) whether or not Tom and Katie RSVP'd.

So six phone calls later (including one where Agent tells me I'm an idiot for not RSVPing) we get the thing sorted out. But this is RSVP WOMAN'S WORLD and she has the last laugh. Which is this:

"Don't worry. Josh's got tickets SOMEWHERE in the theater."

Thanks for coming to Chevron. Have a nice day.

Wife and I wing off to NY and have a lovely time in First Class on Studio's dime. Wife watches three DVDs on the personal player supplied by Fancy First Class Attendant and I take two Ativan and stare at a couple very small pinhole cracks in the plastic bulkhead in front of me wondering what kind of g-forces it's gonna take to bust them wide open and bring this puppy down.

(If you're wondering who thought up the plane crash sequence, stop wondering.)

The next day the limo picks us up for the premiere. We're on the early side and our limo is the second one to get there. The first one belongs to the future Mr. and Mrs. Tom Cruise. Now this post is not called "The Cruise and I" so I will not analyze the man despite being asked Tom Cruise questions at a rate of 20 to 1 compared to all other WOTW-related questions.

All you need to know is this: the man is a fucking movie star and even if he didn't travel with two hundred flashbulbs surrounding him he would still glow.

So the Cruises-to-be exit their limo and the Friedmans-already exit theirs within two minutes of each other. The Cruises-to-be make it maybe five feet onto the red carpet and the world explodes in flashing, yelling, posing, kissing, big smiles, two guffaws and at least one gasp.

PR WOMAN: Maybe the two of you should just, you know, wait a sec or two to head down the carpet.
ME: Yeah. Good idea. Kind of what I was thinking.

Five minutes later no one has moved and it becomes clear to me that the reason the Cruises-to-be are here AN HOUR AND A HALF before the movie starts is because it's going to take them that long to get down the red carpet.

The reasons the Friedmans are here that early is because we're dorks.

Finally the PR woman decides to shuffle us past the Cruises-to-be and down the red carpet. We slip past the happy couple and I resist the urge to give Tom a big hug and say "We did it, man!"

Instead the Friedmans slide by quietly and head down the red carpet--fifty yards of empty red rug with NO ONE ELSE on it and surrounded by THREE HUNDRED photographers.

No one takes our picture. No one even bothers to ask us who we are. We look like no one in the movie and thus cannot even be mistaken for maybe the DESPERATE MOM or RAY'S DOCKWORKER FRIEND.

Which would've been cool.

Inside the theater I'm terrified to find my seat in case RSVP WOMAN has put us up in the balcony with the radio contest winners. Every row in the main section has a name tag on it: CRUISE. CHATWIN. SPIELBERG. FANNING. ROBBINS. KOEPP.

Don't think I've forgotten about Koepp.

But two rows back is FRIEDMAN and even though my wife and I don't command the whole row we do have nice seats in the middle and I almost take back all of the revenge fantasies I've had about RSVP WOMAN.

So we sit and sit and sit and it's now ten minutes before curtain time and occurs to me that a lot of people must be coming in but they're not filling the theater. I realize I've made a tactical mistake because everyone who's involved in the movie is probably now in the lobby hanging around with each other telling inside jokes and war stories and getting congratulated and humbly nodding and eating free popcorn.

So I tell my wife I have to pee and I head back outside to see what's up. And there he is. Surrounded by what we in the business refer to as "friends and family".

David Koepp.

I know what he looks like because I met him years ago on the Panic Room set when I was working with David Fincher on Black Dahlia. I count on him not recognizing me and I slip by him, heading for the bathroom but really trying to get a sense of the man and his mood.

He seems pretty happy. I go pee.

Minutes later I return to the theater and he's sitting in his KOEPP seat. I decide to take him now even though he's got eleven other people with him and I've just got Wife and Best Friend (who's in New York on business and weaseled himself a ticket (Fuck you RSVP WOMAN). Koepp's a tall man but even though he's got reach on me I'm pretty sure I outweigh him by forty pounds. I've also got the element of surprise.

But here's my big problem. I like the movie. I like the script. I like most of the changes he's made. I'm proud to share a credit with him even if he's disappointed to share one with me.

So that's what I tell him.

And he's happy to see me. And touched that I would come talk to him. And excited for the movie. And he's proud to share a credit with me. I end up spending more time talking to David Koepp at the premiere than I do anybody else. He comes to my table to meet my wife, I go to his to meet his fiancee...We're both a little drunk and there's hugging and email exchanging and promises to stay in touch.

It's a serious fucking love fest. (I'm sorry to disappoint.)

But throughout the evening (because at the core I'm still a horrible person) I will admit to glancing over at Koepp's table to see who's coming to congratulate him (because I know they ain't coming over to talk to me). And frankly, he spent the evening much as I did: talking with loved ones. (For this particular evening my loved ones included the guy who played RAY'S DOCKWORKER FRIEND--who didn't rate his own table and instead shared one with us.)

Because if there's a lesson it's this: you can be David Koepp or Josh Friedman or fucking Shakespeare...If you're a screenwriter you're a screenwriter and if you want people to give you love at your premiere you better bring 'em with you.

AND THIS LAST PART IS COMPLETELY TRUE:

So it's all over and after the premiere I've got a warm glowy thing going except that I've gotta wait in a line to get back our cellphones which have been confiscated so no one can pirate the movie. (No comment.) The line's ALL THE WAY DOWN THE CITY BLOCK and it's going to take AN HOUR to get our phones back. Wife is not good standing in lines so I send her to try and find PR WOMAN to see if I can wield my mighty influence and get our phones back sooner. While in line I chat up the woman next to me who's complaining about waiting an hour. Here's word for word how it goes:

LADY: I can't believe we have to wait in this line.
ME: I know what you're sayin'...
LADY: It's gonna take all night.
ME: If it makes you feel any better...I wrote this movie and I'm waiting in this line.
LADY: You're David Koepp? I thought you were taller.

And so it goes.

52 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Makes yer blood boil, doesn't it?

Great post. So funny. That woman you spoke to who assumed you were David Koepp is a doofus.

The RSVP people are supposed to keep a list of VIP's and automatically RSVP them in case they or their people forget to do it.

And they're supposed to keep extra space open for situations like this anyway, so no one ever should have told you no. If it's a VIP, they're supposed to say, "No problem, we'll take care of it, you're all set," and sort it out themselves.

Man, these publicity people, I know they really have tough jobs, but they're not helping themselves when they're always f'ing up and pissing off the wrong people. S like this happens all the time. ALL the time.

Ben
LA

8/20/2005 6:00 PM  
Anonymous Derek Haas said...

Josh,
I read your draft of WOTW over a year ago and liked it a lot. I had a friend at Paramount who procured me a copy... it came on silver paper (that I presumably couldn't photocopy), with my name emblazoned across every page (that if I could copy would give me away), and a FedEx return envelope to Paramount (so I could send it back as soon as I was finished.) I haven't seen security like that around a script before or since. I'm thinking about turning in my next script to the studio this way, so they will think Tom Cruise is involved.

Anyway... I dug your script... after seeing the trailer I was shocked when your name wasn't on the poster... I thought there was some weird happenings there... because just from the trailer I assumed you would do well in arbitration. Okay... I like the blog... - DH

8/20/2005 6:10 PM  
Blogger John August said...

I remember meeting the Wibberly's, with whom I shared writing credit on the second Charlie's Angels, at the premiere of said movie. They were sitting directly behind us.

Marianne said, "You look exactly like your photo on IMDb."

True.

We'd talked on the phone, but it is really weird how writers never end up face-to-face.

A few weeks later, we all did the DVD commentary track together, which was fun. And brutally honest.

8/20/2005 6:32 PM  
Blogger Luben said...

Josh,

I wonder what you said to the woman who thought you were David Koepp? Did you go along with it just to see what it really felt like being David Koepp? I think that was definitely an opportunity there...

Luben

8/20/2005 6:41 PM  
Blogger The Moviequill said...

I just got the CS newsletter in my inbox and a photo of Koepp is on it! I had to come straight here to disprove the conspiracy

8/20/2005 7:12 PM  
Blogger WriteOnBklyn said...

Great entry. Looking forward to your "Black Dahlia" adventures...

8/20/2005 7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is an awesome blog. Please keep posting. Your stories are fantastic.

8/20/2005 8:16 PM  
Blogger josh friedman said...

luben--
What I said to the woman was:
"No. I'm the other guy."

True.

8/20/2005 8:23 PM  
Blogger thekeez said...

About that plane crash scene - where were all the people...or bodies?...thekeez

8/20/2005 8:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, I just finished reading your blogs, the first blogs that I have ever read. Having nothing to compare them to, I assume they are adequate, comparable to others, and not a complete waste of time. Thus, I can only assume that your blogging effort to this point is passable, if not better in your own mind.

As I have always done, I will await reviewing several more efforts by you before firming up my judgment about your potential in the blogging arena.

Love,

Dad

P.S.: While I am not terribly offended by your use of profanity (but you have never heard me utter a swear word), I have decided not to refer any of my friends or the rest of our family to your blog site. What will they think of your mother and me?

8/20/2005 9:56 PM  
Blogger Stephen Gallagher said...

About that plane crash scene - where were all the people...or bodies?

Scattered far and wide across the landscape in a trail marking the plane's descending progress, having taken care to leave their seatbelts unbuckled when the PG-13 light came on.

Seriously, the downed plane is the movie's defining and anchoring image for me, moving the whole thing from what-if to here-and-now. Everything else kind of stacks up around it. Bodies in the seats would have sold it harder, but they wouldn't have altered it in principle.

That whole crash scene's now a part of the Universal tour. My family went and it's the one thing they talk about most.

8/21/2005 2:37 AM  
Blogger Greg said...

Hi Josh,
Great story and a great blog, but I have to admit that one of the reasons why I want to become a screenwriter is exactly what you wrote here.

You can be the geatest writer ever (even greater than David Koepp;-) but next to Tom Cruise you are a nobody. Nobody cares about you. You can go shopping in plain daylight and without sunglasses and bodyguards. Nobody recognises you, except some internet freaks who read your blog.

Best wishes,
Greg

8/21/2005 4:33 AM  
Anonymous Joshua said...

Josh -

Great story, and I have to say, I'm pleased that Koep isn't the villian of the story, that he turned out to be an okay guy -

8/21/2005 8:28 AM  
Anonymous Derek Haas said...

Josh,

Your father's post might be my favorite thing ever posted on a blog.

8/21/2005 8:43 AM  
Blogger Emphyrio said...

Fun-ny. "We did it, Man!" -- genius.

Great film, too.

Whose idea was the flaming train? That, for me, was the showstopper frisson of apocalypse. It said everything about what was happening offscreen.

8/21/2005 8:45 AM  
Blogger Fun Joel said...

Ha ha! Love the kicker. Glad Koepp was a gentleman, and yeah, just goes to show how much love and respect our profession gets in H'wood.

8/21/2005 9:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the coolest blong ever. Hilarious. Props to you.

8/21/2005 10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That would be blog, not "blong"...ha.

8/21/2005 10:38 AM  
Blogger josh friedman said...

Derek--
I can't tell you how much I wish you had kept that to yourself. I just showed him your comment (he's visiting). He started cackling with glee. He said:
"Tell Derek I'll be in touch".

I only hope he begins flyspecking your career like he has mine.

Love,
Josh

8/21/2005 11:33 AM  
Blogger thekeez said...

stephen gallagher - Seriously, the downed plane is the movie's defining and anchoring image for me, moving the whole thing from what-if to here-and-now. Everything else kind of stacks up around it. Bodies in the seats would have sold it harder, but they wouldn't have altered it in principle.

It jolted me out of the narrative. "Where are the people?" It didn't have to be excessive - consider what they got away with on Lost which runs at 8pm. And there was so much of the plane there it looked more like it had been swatted straight down rather than broken up over a long descent.

I'm with emphyrio - the flaming train was awesome!...thekeez

8/21/2005 4:12 PM  
Anonymous r said...

I have to second the flaming train comment.

But those damned aliens, man. And "the abyss" rip-off robotic alien "eye" that "goes in first" to check everything out before the ridiculous, humanoid aliens come and slurp water and play with bike wheels. Ugh!

8/21/2005 11:14 PM  
Blogger Stephen Gallagher said...

And "the abyss" rip-off robotic alien "eye" that "goes in first" to check everything out

I believe that's one of the scenes carried over from George Pal's 1953 version.

8/22/2005 1:14 AM  
Blogger Paul said...

Great story.

Gave me nausea, but what the hell.

8/22/2005 7:40 AM  
Blogger RogerRmjet said...

Count me in for the flaming train, too.

Personally, I liked the first half of the movie, though I would have liked just a little more time to get to know Ray. Burying the Tripods wasn't the best idea, but I did like the lightning strikes to reawaken them.

The movie started to come part for me with the Tim Robbins sequence. That went on w-a-a-ay too long. Really didn't like the ending (and not the virus part) -- so the aliens search the basement of a farmhouse (TWICE!) in Bumf**k, Idaho, and yet Boston, which is FULL of humans, has only had a slight power failure (maybe) and some leaves blown in the street. And the Son made it all the way there on his own?

Josh, if any of these were your ideas, feel free to blame them on Koepp.

8/22/2005 7:59 AM  
Anonymous Greg said...

You just had to mention to the woman that you wrote the movie--and then you complain when the universe serves up its own brand of karmic justice.

Never mind me. You make me laugh with your Hollywood anecdotes and antics. Keep it up. Snakes on a plane.

8/22/2005 9:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOTW had one of the most bungled endings I've ever seen in a film. How is it that the aliens never bothered to test Earth's atmosphere to see if it was habitable for their species? Sorry, not a plausible ending. When WOTW comes out on DVD, I'll be sure to rent Alien or Close Encounters instead.

Love,
Katie Homes

8/22/2005 10:12 AM  
Anonymous PaulJBis said...

Hello. Just came here onto your blog by way of Jeffrey Wells (who linked to you). I've just finished reading all your entries, and there's something that leaves me confused: you wrote before (in the first entry) something to the effect that "it's better for everyone working in WOTW if Koepp is the sole screenwriter [...]. It's good for business". And my question is: why? Is there anyone out there who will say to himself: "wow, I wasn't planning to see WOTW, but since David Koepp is the sole screenwriter, I'll make sure I go and watch it twice!!" I mean, we movie nerds may care, but the "normal" people who make the bulk of the audience?

Obviously getting sole credit is important for Koepp, for the reasons you explained, but the studio? Why should they care? How does this affect "business"?

8/22/2005 11:24 AM  
Anonymous HP Hovercraft said...

What's this? A Josh-shaped head peeking over the blogosphere parapet (the blogopet?) -- can it be true? Well, yes, obviously. Of course, you've opened Pandora's Box now. But then you should see Stephen Hawking's Dad's critique of the Brief History of Time ("call this a theorem, four-eyes?") My analysis is you're getting off lightly.

D

PS

Actually a sole credit is "good for business" because typesetting "Josh Friedman AND" post-hoc is a considerable marketing expense. Have you ever tried to Quark Xpress that many letters into a credits list? The kerning alone must have cost millions.

8/22/2005 12:33 PM  
Blogger Grubber said...

I'm with Derek on your father. Reminds me of mine and what he would probably say. shakes head.

Josh, I was hoping to ask one question regarding WOTW that I thought you may be able to answer.

Why was the son left alive?

I just thought that if anyone has the power in Hollywood to kill off any character they wanted, it would have been Spielberg. I thought that it would have shown that everyone lost someone important.

Just interested.
cheers
Dave

8/22/2005 3:21 PM  
Anonymous Thom said...

"Obviously getting sole credit is important for Koepp, for the reasons you explained, but the studio? Why should they care? How does this affect "business"? "

I would guess that it is both name recognition in the specific instance of Koepp. But also, the more names you have listed the more "PR Damage" you might face. I know many folks who see the name of more than one writer and start worrying that it could be a bad film. It's about perception.

Of course, i could be completely wrong.

8/23/2005 8:31 AM  
Blogger Karen Scott said...

So, let me get this right, both you and Koep wrote the screen play?

I agree with the comment about the ending, how did Boston stay so safe when the whole world was getting torn apart?

Apart from that, I loved it, Ms Fanning was tremendous, I just hope she doesn't go the way of the rest of Hollywood children, and manages to stay drug and alcohol free.

8/24/2005 7:54 AM  
Blogger Mr Steve said...

Josh,

Just came across the site from Artful Writer. Thanks for the laughs.

But thank the gods of the alphabet that on IMDB their two name truncation shows you as Screenwriter and you have to click (more) to see Koepp's name. For once the universe isn't screwing you over.

8/24/2005 10:46 AM  
Blogger AS said...

I'm glad Koeep was a gentleman, and there's no bad blood. Maybe I'm a pollyanna, but hey it ended up having a feel good ending and I liked it.

8/24/2005 7:11 PM  
Anonymous Craig said...

Grubber said...
I'm with Derek on your father.


What kind of a website is this?!?!?!

Seriously though, good blog. I think you definitely have a book in the making here.

8/25/2005 9:35 AM  
Anonymous Dan said...

From a guy in a completely different industry, I appreciate the similarities Washington, DC government work has to Hollywood entertainment work. Believe it or not, our work is fraught with David Koepps and Josh Friedmans (and Spielbergs, but maybe not Cruises).

Seems, though, that most comments missed the point of your story, which is this:

If you're a screenwriter you're a screenwriter and if you want people to give you love at your premiere you better bring 'em with you.

Unless, of course, you plan on using profanity.

8/26/2005 4:58 AM  
Anonymous Scott the Reader said...

I love the fact that people love your blog, and then start tearing your movie apart, as if you can say "fuck, you're right" and go back in and change something.

The movie is a hell of a ride, and if people are going to nitpick at flaws they should be off writing their own perfect movies.

I once read a script called "Ota Benga" by a Josh Friedman. Was that you?

8/27/2005 12:02 AM  
Anonymous Dan Culberson said...

Josh,

Speaking as a father (of Noel, remember?), I'm AGAINST your father's comments! Say and write what you damn well FEEL like! His work is DONE, remember? (But if he raised you to be a writer, he done good.)

(For the rest of you out there, Josh gave the BEST Valedictorian speech I have EVER heard at his high-school graduation, and I have heard a lot of them.)

Incidentally, I had lunch yesterday with Noel, Jay, and John Post, and guess what we talked about and whose blog?

So, keep up the good work, best of luck to you in Hollyweird, and remember: SNAKES ON A FUCKING PLANE!

8/27/2005 7:07 AM  
Blogger josh friedman said...

Plant.

8/27/2005 11:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even if it's not true, it's a great story. You write taller.

8/30/2005 12:27 PM  
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10/05/2005 10:02 AM  
Anonymous Zak said...

I know you probably won't read this since it's months and months after it was written. But I work for a very small promotion company that gets contracted out by Paramount and we go to the premieres and check off people's names (but not the bigwigs, or even the guests of the bigwigs for that matter. We get radio contest winners). Anyway, I don't pirate movies but have managed to use that tiny amount of pull to get my cell phone past security. Either I find one of the Paramount passes and display it proudly or I supercede the red carpet and say "Oh, I'm with Paramount" and they don't even check.

1/17/2006 11:07 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

I love your blog. Im glad not everyone in hollywood is terminally full of themselves.

2/21/2006 3:21 PM  
Blogger Ian said...

That's cool that David Koepp was a nice guy after all.

Can you post drafts of your script or is that a copyright/legal faux pas? I enjoy reading the ones on John August's site and it'd be awesome to see your draft of WOTW.

3/04/2006 1:05 AM  
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4/18/2006 8:12 PM  
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4/25/2006 3:34 PM  
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4/28/2006 8:35 AM  
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5/06/2006 2:45 PM  
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5/11/2006 5:29 PM  
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5/17/2006 12:28 PM  
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5/23/2006 11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cilt kremi cilt bakımınız için oldukça önemlidir. Güncel haberler sitesine göre hürrem sultan kremi cilt bakımınız için en uygun olan krem olabilir.

9/02/2013 9:05 AM  

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