The Devil Made Me Pitch It

It seems that one of the sub-genres of the screenwriter blog is the pitch post. From what I can tell, everybody's a fucking expert on pitching projects. Everyone's got a song, a dance, a corkboard, some Willy Loman trick. I love John Rogers's recent post on pitching television and I even found myself using the term "story lens" in a meeting. Of course I have no idea what "story lens" means and there's a pretty good chance I used the term incorrectly. But whatever. It's not like these people know what I'm talking about half the time anyway. In fact, if I make the classic mistake of asking for that second Diet Coke, there's a good chance I'll do at least one five minute caffeinated riff about whatever's within my reach on the coffee table.

The truth is, I pitch like a drunk sailor. In my twelve years of Monkeydom I cannot remember EVER selling an original feature idea in pitch form. I've had meetings that resulted in me getting hired for jobs, but I'm pretty sure that a) I already had the job going into the meeting and could only have lost it or b) my competition had been arrested for child endangerment earlier in the day.

The truth is, I've never been a fan of the hard sell. My feeling is, you know what I do. If you want me, hire me. If you don't, don't. I've got stuff on the Tivo. I used to have this attitude towards dating and frankly it did not serve me well. It led to episodes such as the one in high school where my senior year girlfriend agreed to go to prom with a skinny guy from the cross-country team WHILE WE WERE STILL DATING.

SENIOR YEAR GIRLFRIEND: "I dunno, Josh. I just didn't know if you were going to ask me. And he brought flowers."

Needless to say we broke up soon after and I spent prom passed out in a gulley by the side of a road with a friend of mine. I've never talked to senior year girlfriend again but in a strange meta-note, the father of my gulley-friend occasionally comments on this very blog. Thanks for your support Dan!

Now you'd think after events like this I would have learned a bit about what people want and how to give it to them before they leave you high and dry holding a plastic pitcher of 3.2 beer and a fake University of Colorado Student I.D. with the name John Fredschmidt on it.

But the reality is, not only can I not close the deal when I've been spotted a touchdown and the ball, but my aversion to competition of ANY SORT makes me about the worst salesman of all time.

This was me in college. I consider this my HARD SELL:

COLLEGE GIRL JOSH LIKES HIS FRESHMAN YEAR: Hey, Josh. Me, Unicycle Riding Guy, Deadhead Hackey Sack Expert Guy, Prep School Drug Connection Guy, and Guy Who Always Plays Rocky Raccoon on His Acoustic Guitar in the Lounge are going out to a bar so they can vie for my attention. Wanna come?
ME: Hmm...No...I'm just gonna...watch my roommate drape our room in white sheets. But, you know, when you come back...if you want a backrub...I'll leave the door unlocked.
COLLEGE GIRL: It'll probably be late.
ME: S'alright. I'll be up.
COLLEGE GIRL: Really late. I'm probably gonna hook up with Rocky Raccoon guy.
ME: Well, you know...if he finishes early...

Seriously. That's me.

And even though Hollywood will fuck you when no one else will there's no guarantee you're getting laid without doing a little legwork. It's just whose definition of legwork and how much of it's leg and how much of it's WORK. Unfortunately I still model meetings after dates. I'm good for some intelligent conversation, I'll make you laugh with my self-deprecating humor, I ask good questions and I'm a VERY ATTENTIVE LISTENER.

But if you're looking for dogs and ponies you've definitely got the wrong monkey. The thought of selling a project by helping the executive "see the movie" makes me feel flushed and queasy--sort of like seducing a woman by helping her "see the sex."

Which, by the way, would go like this:

ME: So...we're gonna have sex. It's gonna be...awkward. Not in a funny way. Just, you know, uncomfortable. Oh wait! I forgot the important part! I'm a premature ejaculator!

Hi. Did I mention how much I love my wife?

Anyway, if there's a pitch involved the job usually goes somewhere else. And before I get a lot of e-mails telling me how I'm pissing away all these wonderful opportunities let me correct that misperception.

I'm pissing away a lot of mediocre opportunities.

When it comes to assignments there are few great jobs to be gotten, few prize plums to be divided amongst a large crowd of deserving writers. (Some of whom are already booked until 2007 but, hey, you can never have too much money or too big a gaping maw of thirsty approval-need.)

Now most of these pitching how-to's don't concern themselves with getting assignments. After all, most people who want to know about pitching want to know how to pitch original ideas because they imagine that's how they'd spend their time if they were working screenwriters. For my money, if I'm gonna spend the time working out a pitch on an original idea IN THE TYPE OF DETAIL REQUIRED TO SELL IT...well I'm just gonna write it on spec.

Because while there are ideas that cannot be pitched and can only be written, there are few (if any) ideas that cannot be written and should only be pitched. Sure, there are REASONS to pitch as opposed to write, and most of those reasons have to do with your childhood traumas.

In short, writers whose parents ignored them so they became class clowns like to pitch first and write second. On the other hand, writers whose parents ignored them so they became awkward little geeks who stayed in their room and read Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators like to write first and pitch never.

Writers who were both class clowns and awkward little geeks like to create blogs.

There's only one pitch I've ever heard of that I wish I would have done.

My friends Scott Derrickson and Paul Boardman wrote The Exorcism of Emily Rose. For those of you who don't know, the movie is based on a true case which occurred in Germany around 1970. While researching another project, Paul and Scott were given an audio tape by a NYC police detective who investigated the occult. When he gave it to them he said: "I don't even know if I should give this to you. I truly believe playing this tape is dangerous."

And what's on the tape? THE RECORDING OF THE REAL EMILY ROSE'S EXORCISM FROM THIRTY YEARS AGO.

It was this tape that inspired them to write the movie. And it was this tape that helped them sell the project. Because what did they do? Well they did what you and I would hope we'd do if we were in their position. They'd take that scary-ass tape from studio to studio and play it for people.

The way I understood it went was like this: Scott and Paul would go into the room, do their pitch, and then pull out the tape recorder and some headphones. One of them would say: "There are those that believe just playing this tape invites darkness into our lives." Then the curious exec would put on the headphones, thus drowning out all other EARTHLY AND NORMAL noise.

Then they'd press play.

Now from what I understand the tape is ABSOLUTELY THE MOST TERRIFYING THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD and consists of a girl DYING while screaming in German at two priests attempting to pull SIX DEMONS from her body.

Then Scott and Paul would leave.

Now that's better than Rocky Raccoon anyday.