Monday, September 19, 2005

Swimming with Shrimps

So where was I?

Oh yeah.

There's a lot of great screenwriting sites out there which do their best to help out the next generation of writers by sharing tips, wisdoms, answers to form and process questions, etc. These sites serve a valuable function and if they weren't concerned with screenwriting you'd almost call them noble.

This is not one of those sites.

And why? Well, first of all, it's important for everyone to understand that I spend most of my day eating two-day old fruit salad from large tupperware containers while trying to keep my fifteen-month old son from blinding the family dog with a very sharp American flag he fished out of somebody's trash. (My son loves American flags and I do not look forward to the day when we break it to him that his parents are lefty pinko Democrats who think waving the Stars and Stripes while you're discovering your penis in the bathtub is a tad inappropriate.)

Secondly, if I did have time in my day I certainly wouldn't spend it writing. Seriously. If you're a true working screenwriter, you don't write. Actual WRITING is so late 1990's it's not even funny. Who writes anymore? Look at J.J. Abrams. That dude was about the writingest motherfucker there was for a while. Then he started producing and directing and bam--next thing you know he's on Dinner for Five and actually being shown ON CAMERA sitting in his seat at Award shows. If you notice they almost NEVER show writers at awards shows. And you know why this is?

Because writers are ugly.

But there's J.J. and God bless the guy he's still a writer as far as I'm concerned. (I'll always remember J.J. as the host of the first Hollywood Hills fancy party I went to--he had cases of Twinkies and Ding Dongs stacked to the sky. It made such an impression on little Joshie that a few years ago when I was throwing a housewarming party the first thing I did was drive straight to Smart N Final for a gross of Hostess goodness.)

BTW: When J.J. was on Dinner for Five he mentioned getting to know Tom Cruise during a meeting about War of the Worlds. It is my theory based on nothing but my own Monkey-sense that this occurred after I wrote my drafts but before Koepp was hired. I have no forensic evidence and we'll all just stay tuned to next week's CSI: Josh's Career and see if we can figure it out...

But back to our irregularly scheduled bullshit:

So writing's for amateurs and yet working screenwriters without Emmys still need to work. What do we do? Well, we go to meetings. I love meetings. I'd have meetings all day long. Pitch meetings, general meetings, the meet and greet...Meeting meeting meeting. If there's a room with some arty movie posters on the walls and a free Diet Coke on the table, you can bet your bottom bitch there's a caffeinated Infinite Monkey curled in the corner of the couch riffing about adapting some jackass idea into a tentpole for '07.

But my absolute favorite can't-get-enough-would-do-it-twice-a-day-meeting:

THE (FREE) LUNCH MEETING.

I love (FREE) lunch meetings. Love love love. (FREE) Lunch meetings remind me of being twelve years old and going out with my parents. Twelve's a great age because you're old enough to order for yourself and just aware of how cool it is that you're too young to pay for anything.

In my family there was always this fantastic tension whenever we'd go out to eat because my younger brother had this preternatural sense of how to drive my father insane. Even when he was a young child, younger than twelve certainly, my brother would go directly to the most expensive thing on any menu and order it. I cannot even count the number of times I saw my nine-year old brother eating surf and turf, stuffed crab, lobster claws, you name it. Even if we were at McDonald's he'd figure a way to sneak in an apple pie or a shake, or the large fries. And no matter where we went, you could always count on this from the little bugger: he was going to order a shrimp cocktail for an appetizer.

My brother could find a shrimp cocktail appetizer ANYWHERE. And he was ordering the motherfucker. For whatever reason my father never expected it. We'd go around the table and get to my brother and you'd hear: "I'll have the steak. With the side of gold-dipped crab...And the shrimp cocktail appetizer."

My father's head would slowly rise from the menu and face the biggest shit-eating grin you've ever seen on an eight year old. Then my dad would slowly glance down, check the price of the shrimp, shake his head and close the menu. The best part was always after it showed up and you'd watch my dad mentally counting the shrimp and amortizing the whole thing. At some point in the meal I'd always catch him mumbling to himself: "Two seventy-five per shrimp...Jeez..."

So I love me the (FREE) lunch meeting. Which isn't to say I won't take whatever free meal I can get. But I always start with lunch, downshift to breakfast and as a last resort will accept dinner. My breakfast/dinner ranking may seem odd to you given that dinner is the most expensive meal of the day. But I find dinner meetings a little dangerous.The Infinite Monkey's fond of his tequila but unfortunately he has the tolerance of a fourteen year old gymnast. This has led to a number of frank confessions to executives I've known for, oh, about an hour and a half. Dinner meetings remind me of dates I had in high school which would start out with drinks and some witty conversation but often ended with me missing a chance for sex because I was having an anxiety reaction and dry-heaving in the bathroom.

So I like lunch.

Now the reality is, most executives don't like to eat lunch with writers. Directors, sure. Directors are IMPORTANT and everyone else who sees you eating will recognize the director. But an anonymous writer? Might as well have lunch with someone not in the film business.

Whether I can swing a free lunch usually depends upon how much the person requesting the meeting wants to meet with me. It's usually a pretty accurate measure as to whether they're going out to other writers on the project or whether it's to me exclusively. And if they really covet my Monkey ass, I might even get the ultimate (FREE) lunch: sushi. Nothing says "rewrite our piece of crap we're already pay or play with a director" like a good piece of toro. Or six.

The other way to figure out how much they like me is how far they're willing to go to see me. I live on the East Side of L.A. and nothing pisses me off more than going west of Beverly Hills for a meeting. (Even going to Beverly Hills sucks hard but my agent's over there and I can always stop by after the meeting to pick up an all day parking validation for the Nike Store.)

But it's no different for executives. They're the ones with real jobs. And schedules. And bosses who may be sniffing through their desk drawers while they're gone...

They don't want to leave their office. Especially to meet with a writer.

I recently almost lost a job based on the location of the meeting. A friend of mine is a producer and he works for a big-time film finance type dude. They have an office in Santa Monica--a good forty-five minutes from the MonkeyHouse. So the Santa Monica meeting must ALWAYS be evaluated very carefully.

The day before the meeting I start thinking maybe the project in question isn't worth the drive across town. After all, I'm just meeting with MY FRIEND. He can certainly haul his ass out of the office and buy me lunch. Agent's Assistant calls Producer Friend's Assistant and says I want to convert Santa Monica meeting to a lunch. The assistant explains that this is not possible as Producer Friend's Fancy Boss wants to "pop his head in the meeting."

Uh...No. Monkey doesn't play that.

I explain to all those involved the problem here: if Fancy Boss wants to "pop in", and "pop in" means "stay for a half an hour and hear what this fucking monkey has to say..." Well I'm just not prepared for that meeting. This is just supposed to be a casual conversation and I won't be pitching to any Fancy Boss types.

Now if "pop in" really means "pop in" then that's also a non-starter. I'm not going to make a four hour trip out of something I can do in half the time with free food just so Fancy Boss can say hello.

I get a call from Producer Friend's Assistant:

PFA: (snippy) You need to come to Santa Monica.
ME: No. I don't think so. It's far.
PFA: You understand Fancy Boss is going to pop in?
ME: I do. Perhaps he'd like to join us for lunch?
PFA: He's not going to do that.
ME: Well I'm not going to Santa Monica. It's not that type of meeting.
PFA: I'll call you back.

Now understand something: many breaches of Hollywood etiquette have occurred here--some by me and some by the PFA. But I don't really give a fuck at this point. I call my agent's assistant.

ME: I just got some attitude from PFA because I won't go to Santa Monica.
AA: She called you? And gave you attitude?
ME: She did. She was very snippy.
AA: Whattya want to do?
ME: Pass.
AA: On the meeting?
ME: On the project.
AA: Sounds good to me. I'll tell Agent.
ME: Thank you!

Five minutes later Producer Friend calls me.

"You and me Josh. Lunch. Beverly Hills. Sushi."

And don't think I didn't figure out a way to order a fucking shrimp cocktail.

38 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh,

Best blog on the web. Addicitve as all hell. Like opium-soaked CRACK laced with PCP!

So, dude, when are you gonna write a comedy? You got the skills for one.

(And what the fuck's up with this Google spam?)

9/19/2005 3:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ar
too good! too damn good! Laughed my ass off... Just keep going, okay... and post more often, will ya.

9/19/2005 4:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh,

Are you, yourself, the Infinite Monkey or are you a simple Writer Monkey who looks up to the Infinite Monkey for all sorts of inspiration and guidance?

I know, but I'm a tad bit obsessive . . .

It's said again and again, but I love your work . . .

9/19/2005 6:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

otherjosh (james),

dude, we are ALL infinite monkeys. "an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters, given an infinite amount of time, will (eventually) create all of shakespeare's works an infinite number of times."

of course, the very existence of all the crap you see every day on the web disproves the proposition.

this blog provides some hope, though.

9/19/2005 6:40 PM  
Blogger Gia said...

I love you Josh, but reading white on black totally f*cks up the eyes. Pleeeeease (pretty, pretty please!) change it! I'm dangling a shrimp ring!!

9/19/2005 8:14 PM  
Blogger Cunningham said...

I thought we were all monkeys because we threw our feces against the wall...

9/19/2005 8:44 PM  
Blogger Claytonian said...

so let me see I got this right: The difference between conservative and liberal is that conservitives like to grab themself in the tub while waving flags?

Good thing I was already eating when I started reading; I would have been starving by the end.

9/19/2005 8:56 PM  
Blogger merkley??? said...

hey mr. josh,
merkley here, i just received this link as a must read blog and it turns out it's you. i know your wife and remember meeting you on a few occasions. i just had dinner a few weeks ago with adrian and your lady when my band was in town.

your kid has one of the coolest names in history. good for you.

i look forward to your blog.

your kid would like mine. lots of stories of poop and boogers.

9/19/2005 9:41 PM  
Blogger writergurl said...

Yum, I love shrimp cocktails AND sushi. Although I typically don't get the toro, I get the Tako (octopus) instead.

Damn, now I'm hungry.

I can't WAIT for my first "free" lunch as a writer!

9/19/2005 10:00 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

Now I know what the Hollywood diet is. Thanks Josh.

9/19/2005 11:34 PM  
Blogger Stephen Gallagher said...

My kid grew up practising the Shrimp Cocktail routine with the added torture that when the expensive item arrived, she'd abandon it after a couple of mouthfuls. And these were Kid Mouthfuls, the kind that somehow leave the food barely touched but too disgusting for anyone else to finish off.

But if you baulk at the expense based on past experience, you might as well be sitting under a sign that reads TIGHTFISTED BAD OLD DADDY.

Speaking of which, did anyone other than me find it odd in Home Alone when the adults flew First Class and put the children in Economy? I couldn't work out whether I was seeing a clanging plot convenience where others would see normality.

Curious Jane --

If the text is a struggle, try holding down your left mouse button and running your cursor down the page to highlight it -- a momentary improvement rather than a fix, but better than nothing.

9/20/2005 2:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i never make the most of the diet cokes, cos cafeine gives me sweaty hands... So I have cafeine only on non-meeting days... which means I can't write on meeting days. Which is no loss to the film industry really.

9/20/2005 4:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jane -- he doesn't listen to studio executives or agents so what makes you think he will take font suggestions?

9/20/2005 5:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

best screenwriting site!

9/20/2005 6:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the black on white is fine.

I used to pull off the really expensive dinner all the time- especially on my Grandparents. And ANY TIME I had steak, I attempted to pull of the filet mignon.

The scariest L.A. thing about this blog (to an outsider, at least): That the traffic really is that friggin' bad.

At least I hear the smog gives lovely sky hallucinations.

9/20/2005 7:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Er, white on black. Whoops.

9/20/2005 7:02 AM  
Blogger PJ McIlvaine said...

Fuck lunch. I'd settle for Diet-Pepsi.

9/20/2005 7:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This is not one of those sites."

Oh really? This is like THE indispensable guide on how to survive Hollywood bullshit, AKA business side of writing, isn't it?

Seems pretty damned educational to me.

9/20/2005 8:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo Josh:

Where do I get the rule book on Hollywood etiquette? I'm currently doing a rewrite for a pair of small (but known) indie producers, have no agent (thus no agent's assistant) and am constantly putting my foot in it whenever I tell them what I really think, even though they always say, "tell us what you really think."

So where is this book, huh?

9/20/2005 9:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The book you're looking for is the comic FORTUNE AND GLORY by Brian Michael Bendis.



Now, though my experience with this is completely anecdotal, whenever anyone in Hollywood says something, the opposite is true, ex:

"Tell us what you really think."

"Of course I've read it."

"We want to be in the (insert your name here) business." (only true if your name is Hanks, Spielberg, or Cruise)

"We love your work." (usually followed by "but...")

9/20/2005 9:58 AM  
Blogger Unsigned said...

Josh,

I check your site every day, all day, while I'm at work. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. I checke your blog to find no updates, until I get home and John August has posted a blog aboutyour blog. WTF?! you need a mailing list for this thing. I'm hooked and find myself hungering for another dose. Keep up the good work and post a little more often. And get me a job in one of the movies you write. As an exrta is fine.

9/20/2005 10:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it wasn't for John August, I'd never know about this site. Now I have TWO FAVORITE BLOGS!

(This one and John's)

9/20/2005 1:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear son,

I thought I would pop in to check the progress of your recent effort at being non-productive. I am a bit surprised that you have stuck with this blogging thing this long. (A warning to the bloggees(?) that Josh may substantially reduce or stop this folly, if he decides not to take a meeting with his computer, as it does sit in another room, away from the TV).

Then, I realized that most of the bloggee(?) comments have provided you what I apparently could not during your formative years --- unconditional approval. So, we will see how long you can continue to earn or, even, take such approval.

Additionally, no thanks are due you for bringing up the dark shrimp cocktail memories brought on by your little brother and you (by association with him). I am again feeling the burning anger over his spiteful ordering ( with your obvious conspiratorial and gleeful approval) of those small, overly expensive, pretentious appetizers. I am only thankful that as a kid, you stuck with your claim that you had a "geographic" tongue, thus avoiding almost all foods of any interest. This is one TIGHTFISTED BAD OLD DADDY that never minded springing for Kraft's Macaroni and Cheese for your dinner.

Kiss my grandson (whom I do love unconditionally),

Dad

9/20/2005 1:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, Dad...Post More Often.

9/20/2005 1:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Then your dad posts a response and my head explodes Scanners style as I struggle to deal with how convoluted this has become.

9/20/2005 1:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, our approval is definitely conditional; if he starts blogging about his monogrammed golf shirts, we're out of here.

9/20/2005 2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to agree this blog has got me by the short hairs...can't stop reading it. ROTFLMAO

9/20/2005 4:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh,
Do you have any idea how much free sushi you could be eating if your agent would let you take general lunches instead of just project related ones?

9/20/2005 5:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. Alex Blagg said this was the funniest blog on the web.
Mr. Alex Blagg was right.
But some of the comments lead me to believe you don't post nearly often enough. I have a suspicious feeling I'm about to get addicted to a blog that doesn't provide me with my required fix often enough.
This blog addiction is becoming a bit of a problem...I think I should seek help soon.

9/21/2005 7:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh,

When is your brother posting?

9/21/2005 3:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't make me tell them about the time you laughed and liver-and-onions came out your nose.

9/21/2005 5:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh -
I love your blog and your work. And one day, I hope to be rewritten by you. However, this last post hurt me. It doesn't sound like you spent much time as a Hollywood assistant, so maybe this isn't your fault. But that assistant was probably just trying to do her job. Her job is to do what her boss tells her to do to the best of her ability. If that means her boss asked her to get you, the big time writer, to the office in the Santa Monica for a meeting, it's not up to her to suddenly decide to make it a Beverly Hills lunch. You most likely misread her attitude as "snippy" when in reality she was doing what we're all trying desperately to do. Her JOB. And by then telling your agent that she gave you attitude, you in turn made her life even more miserable than it already is... because after all, she's an ASSISTANT! She probably has a degree from an Ivy League school and works 12 hours a day for minimum wage. It's not easy work. And you don't sound much like you appreciate it. Remember, that "snippy" assistant will probably be a CE next year and a VP the year after. And she'll remember this. Oh yes, she will.

The Lesbian Agent and the Red Ape have huge careers so they probably think this blog is hysterical and they don't mind the thinly veiled pseudonyms. But picking on an assistant? Shame.

9/22/2005 5:30 PM  
Blogger josh said...

Actually, I never said I told my agent. I told my agent's assistant. I was trying to get the people responsible for scheduling to talk to each other and not talk to me. I can't schedule my way out of a paper bag. But I've been dealing with assistants for twelve years. I know how hard they work. And I know what a thankless job it is. I know when someone's doing their job. But I also know when someone's trying to use their boss's influence to push people around. I hope she gets promoted. And I hope she remembers it. I will.

9/22/2005 11:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MK said...

OK, I've been on the sidelines reading and enjoying this blog. The assistant comments got me to actually participate.

Josh, I hope that if that assistant is ever promoted, and she becomes a CE or whatever, her bosses need you and she has to take you to lunch in Beverly Hills for sushi. I hope she has to make nice-nice and breaks out in hives.

I was an assistant to a celebrity actress for 2 painful years. Why? I needed a job and this fell into my lap. I know how hard the job is. I always said my job description is "Last told, first blamed." The problem is, I've come across assistants that are nasty to people because their boss is Exec Vice President of Production or Mr/Ms Super Producer. These assistants try to wield power like they're the ones that have the title. I've seen people like that fall and fall hard, never to be heard from again. Good riddance.

9/23/2005 10:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh,

Exactly where on the "East Side of L.A." do you live? And what do you define as "East"?

After cross-checking John August's blog, I'm guessing you live in the Hancock Park area of town, at most maybe Koreatown-adjacent.

That sounds hardly "East" to me. I live in Hancock Park and consider "East" to be the real East L.A., meaning East of downtown.

And you hate "going west of Beverly Hills for a meeting"? Come on... is Santa Monica really that far? Especially during the lunch hour? That's why we have the 10 freeway. Granted, getting down to it from Hancock Park can be a 10-minute bitch, but then it's 10-minutes tops to Santa-Hollywood (a.k.a. that strip on Olympic where all the entertainment companies exist).

I know that you are a self-professed "fat lazy bastard," which is cool. Personally, I think you must be retardedly lazy to loathe drivng 20-minutes for a potential gig, but that's your prerogative.

Just please... don't confuse your area of town as the East Side of L.A.

You're Mid-Wilshire. At best.

9/23/2005 2:40 PM  
Blogger josh said...

Holy shit dude.
First of all, I am retardedly lazy. Second, I think most L.A. readers probably assume I don't live in Compton and most non-L.A. readers don't know shit about what mid-Wilshire means. Relative to Santa Monica and Beverly Hills, I do live on the East side of town. Relative to almost EVERYONE who works in Hollywood, I live on the East side of town. (And don't bring up Los Feliz.)

But the operative question here is this: how long before a meeting do I have to leave to get to a meeting in Santa Monica versus a lunch in Beverly Hills? I would estimate almost double when you take into consideration traffic around the respective sites and parking availability. A meeting scheduled for three o'clock in Santa Monica requires leaving at least at 2:15. The meeting probably ends at four or four-thirty. At which time I'm in for an hour in my car on the way back. So I'm home around 5:30.

If it's a lunch, I leave my house at 12:30 for a one o'clock lunch and I'm home by three. And I've eaten free sushi. And keep in mind what John August says: you circle three or four jobs you want, knowing most of these are probably going to go away.

It's a triage system.

And by the way, holy shit dude.

9/23/2005 3:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant humor piece. Good stuff.

9/25/2005 2:35 PM  
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