Friday, July 28, 2006

Snakes on the Motherfucking Catwalk

Look people. I get it. I'm a great disappointment to you all. We had a few giggles, shared some digital sushi and Diet Coke, we made New Line an extra fifty million dollars and had a good time doing it. I bared my malignant soul and made you believe I understood, and then I fucked off for three months.

It's annoying. But that's what you get for hitching your blog star to the fat lazy fuck that is the Infinite Monkey. John August said I would burn out and if we know anything in this crazy world it's that John August is NEVER wrong. Of course, John has an assistant that brings him breakfast and a house that is immaculate and his life is organized and witty and light-filled like a Richard Curtis movie. Meanwhile, my desk is covered in loose pennies, baby toys, bottles of antiseptic canine itch spray and a number of snot-filled hankerchiefs from when my son had a cold two weeks ago.

Jesus Christ what do you expect? Even my child is embarrassed to be kin to me, recently changing his name to "Ernesto" and mine to "Franny the Dog."

But I have not forgotten you people. I read your comments. I appreciate your input and for the most part cannot find fault with your opinions. I resolutely delete my incredibly voluminous spam, wondering if it is simply a pox upon my house brought upon by my various blogging sins. Megabytes of binary lamb's blood marked on my door calling to the Angel of Death to wipe out any record of me while I meekly beg mercy to Blogger Help because my files won't republish. I betrayed you by abandoning Hollywood anecdotes and writing about my illness; most of you take Hollywood more seriously than cancer and why shouldn't you? Cancer can only kill you but a funny blog entry can make Dr. Pepper shoot from your nose. And fuck knows we could all use a laugh these days. The world's exploding in a fireball--a planetary IED buried by a wrathful God and triggered by mankind's jackbooted footstep.

And believe it or not I've had things to do. I owe Mr. Fox Broadcasting Company one very large Terminator script and was determined to get it done before our very own nuclear apocalypse made the one in the script feel "dated."

(Note to self: Find/Replace: Skynet/Bush Administration).

But I'm back. Not in a statistically significant way, and maybe never again, but today. And what could bring me out of retirement? Well nothing short of this.

Seriously. Because there's something you don't know about me (very little, but this is some of it): I love America's Top Model. Love it. I love Tyra, I love Jay. I love the other Jay. I love Nigel Barker and think he kicks the shit out of world-renowned fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon. God knows I love Janice and don't think I didn't watch her spinoff show where she started her own modeling agency.

The only problem I've ever had with Top Model is that there's never been any top models on the show. Not a one. While they've always had the staples of any good reality series--drunks, rubes, lesbians, catfights, drag queens, makeovers, confessional cameras and at least one crazy bitch from Brooklyn, the only accurate part of the title "America's Next Top Model" has been "America."

So finally last year on Season 5 there's this girl Nicole and every time she did a photo shoot she whined like Chris Webber but at the end of the day her pictures were great and my wife and I would turn to each other after the episode with this knowing sort of look and say: "Well, that Nicole. She's a fragile little flower. But goddamn that pansy can MODEL." Of course I thought there was no way she could win--Tyra's all about the positivity and Nicole sort of projected this Shleprock loser vibe when she wasn't in front of the camera. But I remember keeping her in my prayers at night and hoping for a little justice in the world.

At some point I decided I wanted to go to that season's finale party so I could root that sad little Nicole on in person. Now the only premiere I've wanted to go to in five years is War of the Worlds and we all know how that went. Most industry events give me the heebie jeebies, and if you ever go to one of these parties I'm easy to find. All you need is the address to my house.

As usual, I waited until 24 hours before the event to decide I wanted to go. My wife asked a friend of ours who was on a UPN show and while she was going she couldn't get us in because it was a "tough ticket." I called TV Agent, who obviously has nothing better to do than bug UPN and try to get me and the wife into a party which is, also according to him, "a tough ticket."

Think on that a minute.

But damn I wanted to go to the America's Next Top Model Finale Party. First of all, and maybe this seems obvious, there were going to be Top Models there. But don't get them confused with "top models"--the ones you see in magazines--you can see that kind pretty much ANYWHERE IN LOS ANGELES.

No. These are Top Models. And Top Models are first and foremost REALITY TELEVISION STARS. And that means two things: a) I know them all intimately from my time spent with them every week and b) they're all fucking crazy.

I don't think I need to explain to you the special kind of insane that comes when you combine nicotine, a desperate need for television acceptance, and less calories per day than those spoiled bitches get on Survivor.

And here's more reasons I wanted to go: a) there was a pretty good chance I wouldn't know a single fucking person there and b) they were showing the finale on a big screen.

So basically it'd be like watching my favorite show at home but eating other people's food. And I don't think I need to write any more about free food.

I still don't know how but TV Agent begs and wheedles and gets me two "tough tickets". I'm jumping up and down at home chanting "Top Model! Top Model!" but the wife finds that a little scary and I stop. Later that day I put on a clean shirt and my one pair of black pants and drag the wife out the door an hour before the event begins.

By the way, I had never even considered wearing sweatpants to the America's Next Top Model finale party. At the time I had too much respect for Tyra to do that. Tyra was like Oprah if Oprah was Tyra.

As usual, because the wife and I (okay, I) are absolute dorks, we arrived before the doors opened. Waiting in line I get a call from Variety wanting to interview me about my part in the Snakes On a Plane phenomenon (I hear there's a phenomenon). The interview goes well but eventually includes this exchange:

VARIETY: It's sort of loud where you are...
ME: I'm waiting in line.
VARIETY: What are you going to see?
ME: Tyra.
ME: I'm waiting to be let in to the finale party for America's Next Top Model.
VARIETY: Huh. Well, we'll just keep that between us.

Whatever, dude. Just because at the time I'd been too sick with the flu to work or play with my child but I was standing outside the Avalon in shortsleeves waiting to watch wannabe models be fierce on the runway doesn't mean you have to assume I'm in some sort of horrible shame spiral. Because I wasn't. And I'm not. Really.

While in line I begin thinking of poor little model Nicole as the screenwriter in the Hollywood that is America's Next Top Model--talented, original, a lone voice of excellence in a world where every one else is too short, too old, or can only make that one face where they don't look you in the eye but want you to look at THEM. She was also immature, self-absorbed, self-loathing and completely unaware how her bitching looked to the people who pay her bills. Like I said, screenwriter. I loved her.

So we finally get in to the party and we're within the first TEN people there and the wife and I cannot be happier. There's free liquor and table service and fried chicken and make your own guacamole and taquitos and pasta and corn bread and lemon squares and brownies and holy shit there's a make your own sundae bar where honest to goodness TOP MODELS are actually EATING! They've got Season 5 sequestered from us but all of the rest of them are out there and goddamn those girls are tall and even a few of them look like MODELS except they'll actually talk to you because remember they're not really models they're REALITY TELEVISION STARS. So if you sidled up to one of them with your camera phone you wouldn't actually have to wait 'til they turned the other way to sneak a picture of the two of you standing together as if friends. Not that I would do that.

And then we all settle in and watch the finale on a big screen - hundreds of UPN employees, transvestites, gay guys, industry bitches coming to see if they're hotter than the Top Models, and me.

We get to the end and holy shit my poor little Nicole charges past Nic and Bree and wins! There is justice in the Top Model world. Talent will win out in the end, and perhaps there is hope for the rest of us little shlubs who simply want to take our little box of beans and sell them for a fair price at the market.

Tyra came out and spoke and goddamn she brought a tear to my eye and I thought I truly loved and was inspired by her AS A PERSON and maybe this was what it felt like to be on the Freedom March or to hear Kennedy speak or maybe it was the lemon square dipped in the brownie sundae and I should just let my wife carefully walk me out of the building before a restraining order was issued.

But that was then. Not anymore. This is now.

And now, well, now she's FUCKING WITH MY FELLOW MONKEYS. She's sitting in her trailer, hair weave more expensive than a week's worth of a writer's salary, footloose and fancy free with her SAG HEALTH CARE and SAG RESIDUALS. She's a suit. That suit may be Balenciaga, but she's a suit nonetheless. My ex-hero Tyra, she of the patent leather bootstraps that she is so fond of reminding us that she pulled herself up by... My ex-hero Tyra, the champion of justice and hard work and keeping your original breasts and smiling with your eyes...Remember on her talk show when she dressed herself up in the fatsuit so she could feel what it would be like to be discriminated against for her looks? I guess that was more fun than dressing up in a WRITERSUIT and feeling what it's like to work sixty hours a week for The C/W's flagship reality show WRITING and not get a proper wage, writing credit, residuals, health care, or the OPPORTUNITY to have your contract negotiated by the Writers Guild of America while your supermodel boss says nothing and hides behind Executive Producer Ken Mok and his legalese doublespeak horseshit.

You have done something miraculous, Tyra, what with your silence and indifference towards those who work for you. Something my wife hasn't done in seven years. You've made me change my mind.

I used to love you, Tyra. I thought you were someone I could follow. But now I know better. You may think there's nothing sexier than watching a dozen underweight and oversexed models work it out on the catwalk, but I will tell you that there's nothing hotter than watching a dozen overweight and undersexed writers work it out on the picket line.

Be fierce, Tyra. Do the right thing.

I'll be watching.


Blogger Danny Stack said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/28/2006 4:28 PM  
Blogger Spud McSpud said...

Dude, I have no idea what the Top Model thing is (I live on the other side of the Pond, where President Blair is doing his own "democracy" thing), but it sounds very bad for the soul. But then I am addicted to watching the UK Big Brother TV show (about 8 weeks gone, only 5 to go) and am losing more respect for myself every day that I watch it. By this time next week, I will disrespect myself so much I shall have to go kick my own arse. So sock yourself in the jaw a coupla times and swear never to be misled by Tyra and her shocktroopers again.

Other than that, keep up the snarky work. Hollywood is bullshit, but it's bullshit all we wannabe screenwriters would gladly eat our own legs to go and play with, and reading your adventures in Dreamland keeps us all going. Because as long as the Smirking Chimp is in charge, there's no way I want to set foot over there. I may be detained because, hell, I'm not fat or patriotic enough or something, and then where would I be? Stuck in a country that is not my own, that's where. Your pres scares me, because he's even dumber than ours, and that's pretty dumb. And pretty scary.

As for the cancer - that's a tough one. Hope you come through it, if not unscathed, then safe and sound. Thanks for the random blog, it brightens my day. And kudos for not rewriting yourself (just read that a few nights ago!). You know I would have. But then I have no shame.

Nip over and say hey on my incomprehensible English blog. Till then, keep the faith, brother. There's snakes in the motherfucking blog!!!

7/28/2006 4:36 PM  
Anonymous Erika said...

I feel for those writers, man. Especially because they somehow got stuck writing for a reality tv show.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming back to us. Because we need you, and because we love you. Seriously. You will always be appreciated for entertaining us, even despite what the angry, overly self-entitled, and stereotypical American "I need you to entertain me NOW!" type commenters say.

7/28/2006 4:41 PM  
Anonymous seawolf said...


Great to have you back, Brother Friedman.

I figured the heat would keep you inside for a while...not quite the season for sweats. (Actually...)


7/28/2006 5:06 PM  
Blogger Futureman said...

Dude, you've got a problem, I've got a solution. I'll come work as your assistant. I can clean the baby toys off your desk so you'll have time to outblog John August. You can pay me in smiles and ice cream cones. My qualifications: I was *technically* on a reality show, but if you don't get the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, you wouldn't have seen it. It was called Making the Cut, and it was for a chance to make an NHL team. Needless to say, I'm not in the NHL, hence the pandering for a job as your serf. Let me know...

7/28/2006 5:45 PM  
Blogger El Diablo De Verde said...

Man, I used to like Tyra before this. Now, I don't think she gets the cock from me.


7/28/2006 6:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


7/28/2006 6:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm confused, why is it August already here in your blog?

7/28/2006 6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Duh - he's writing on Terminator, so obviously he's come from the future.

7/28/2006 7:07 PM  
Blogger JB said...

You watch Top Model...! You know, I didn't think it was possible to like you more, but now I do.

Welcome back!

7/28/2006 7:16 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Find a Richard Curtis movie...please to have my man child (note: I am straight)

7/28/2006 7:37 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Find a Richard Curtis movie...can you have my man child? (Please to note that I am straight.)

7/28/2006 7:38 PM  
Blogger Joshua James said...

Brother Friedman is back and he's BAD (and not Michael Jackson bad, either, which is an entirely different species of bad altogether) - you are bad like Michael Jordan all through the nineties, that kinda bad, but instead of a basketball you dribble verbal hoops.

Josh, really glad to hear from you, be it cancer or kung fu stars or reality tv. Welcome back and hope to hear more from you.

And here's what's on my desk -

Recently did a whole article on just that subject alone.

7/28/2006 7:51 PM  
Blogger The Dancing Kids said...

I've said it before - I am always glad to see you back on my homepage feed.

-- and this entry? Especially well spoken (um, if you are reading outloud which maybe I am OMG SHHH) and addressing an issue that is not being talked about!

This is a major, major problem right now. Networks are making big bucks off of the reality shows and staff members are not being compensated fairly. It's the steel titans like Carnegie and Frick riding the backs of the poor all over again. See you in hell, indeed.

In some cases, the long hours they work are causing them to be exhausted - and when people get exhausted - mistakes are made - you know - like getting behind the wheel of a car after you have worked five 18 hour days straight? Is it going to take a death to wake everyone up?

Meanwhile, so many people are scared to raise their voices for fear of getting blacklisted from jobs, cause everyone knows, there's always someone waiting in the wings to step in and do the job - maybe even for less money - and hey - everyone wants to pay the rent. Or eat.

I mean, you wouldn't want to be reduced to stealing food, like, say, a cereal bar.

anyway sorry for the blabby blabby, but I loved this entry and I hope you are well. Even though my dad is in remission right now, life is never the same once cancer is involved.

7/28/2006 8:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Your BLACK DAHLIA trailer hit the web this week and all you can talk about is TOP MODEL????? Yeah, yeah, I know there are bigger issues involved, but, c'mon, where are your priorities? I'm losing respect. By the way, I've heard the Mark Isham score and it's amazing. I don't know about the rest of the film but Isham nailed it.

7/28/2006 10:21 PM  
Blogger Abe Burnett said...

Josh, I enjoy your blog, and I enjoyed this post. I'd visit more often but, well, you don't post very often. In fact, I wouldn't have known about your most recent post except John August wrote a post about your post, and since he writes a wee bit more frequently I stop by his blog every few days. Thank God for John. But, yes, I do enjoy your posts, and this one didn't disappoint in the least. Even when you were in the throes of cancer and blogging about it I still enjoyed reading your perspective on the craziness. Provide me with the names, addresses, and descriptions of everyone who complained that you were "just whining" and I'll take care of them for you. The rest of us who enjoy your blog have missed your presence in the blogosphere. Here's my commitment to you: if you write one post a week, I'll ensure I drop by your blog a couple times a week to read and participate in those posts. How's that for an awesome arrangement (for me)? Satisfactorily awesome, if I do say so myself.

Thanks for the tale within a post which pulled me along as it flowed, discovering within myself the need to defend the underdog and tear down the demons of injustice.

Keep it up.

7/28/2006 11:53 PM  
Blogger john dodds said...

you may think your wife has never made you change your mind.....

7/29/2006 1:55 AM  
Anonymous Einar Árnason said...

Regarding the credits I think it´s not very good promo for a "reality" tv-show to credit 12 WRITERS. That said, all other union-benefits should be theirs.

7/29/2006 3:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know why, really I don't, but I like you. You're freaking hilarious, and if it's only a post every 3 months. So be it.

7/29/2006 5:15 AM  
Blogger coltrane said...

I've worked in reality TV. I've cut two seasons of a reality show whose name will go unmentioned. Reality show writers aren't 'writers' in the traditional sense. They don't write and structure out a whole story, with dialogue, and then have the talent perform it. They're kind of glorified loggers, combing through the footage for any salient, useable bits they can structure into some semblance of a story. That being said, because they are viewed as glorified loggers they are worked like dogs and get little respect, and deserve better treatment by the industry then they're currently getting.

7/29/2006 9:10 AM  
Blogger The Minstrel Boy said...

welcome back oh infinite monkey dude. i agree with the deliniation that's made, it's that way in music too. you got your suits and you got your sweatpants, only a few people can pull off the balancing act of wearing both. one performer/producer i know actually keeps a hat handy to put on when he's in the booth to remind himself that he's producing now. i went through a period where i was (stealing the apropos phrase from sex in the city) a modelizer. dating models became tedious and our life outlooks were so different, she was obsessed with how things look and i was obsessed with how they sound. i get on a reality show jag only occaisionally. but i understand their call. although, something about writers being so vital to reality creates dissonance in my head. mostly, i'm just glad to hear you're healthy, happy and flinging poo again. (i am eagerly anticipating your dish on terminator, is there going to be an evil/good/conflicted governor?)

7/29/2006 9:50 AM  
Blogger Chris said...

Tyra Banks stole my friend's gloves one time at a club in NYC. So yeah.

7/29/2006 11:45 AM  
Blogger Tenspeed & Brownshoe said...


Glad you're back.

Ok, here's the thing. You are the SOLE REASON why Snakes on a Plane has became a cultural phenomenon. Obviously there are a ton of people reading this blog.

So let's do something really positive. Let US ALL in the scribosphere make some noise about what's going on over at Top Model.

I'm positive that we can literally embarrass them into doing the right thing. This topic needs to live longer and stronger than Variety and The Hollywood Reporter. We can't rest until that--is he or isn't he related to George Bush-- Billy Bush is talking about this on whichever news magazine he works for.

I'll e-mail all of you guys privately and draft some sort of...I don't know, PETITION, that we all, bloggers and posters, will boycott the show until they do the right thing.

What does everybody say?


7/29/2006 12:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I've spent six days on the lines with the Next Top Model writers so far, and those cats are smart, brave and definitely writers.

No matter what Joe Public, who's so convinced that everyone even peripherally involved in entertainment spends all day swimming in a latte-filled diamond-encrusted lap pool, might think (at least according to responses at AICN), something's gotta give industrywide. Until then, all of us in reality tv are grateful for the support of guys like you who go to bat with us, even if only in blogville.

Good to see you back, by the way.

7/29/2006 12:16 PM  
Anonymous MicktheFish said...

Hey, Josh...
I found this blog yesterday and read through every single entry. And, then I went to the movies last night to see MIAMI VICE, and saw the BLACK DAHLIA trailer. It looks great, by the way. I had been telling my friend about the whole WoW story and David Koepp and the credits. When the trailer came on, I kept an eye out for you, and in the tiny split second that they flashed the block at the end, I think I saw your name and only your name.

It made me all warm and fuzzy inside, just like I am on the outside.

7/29/2006 12:20 PM  
Anonymous Josh Olson said...

Welcome back, Josh. Your presence has been missed on the internets.

I had a nice chat with John Rogers last weekend in San Diego, and he came close to turning my head around, but I know a few too many people who are editors on reality TV shows to care much about what happens to the "writers" on said shows.

I know. I'm a snob. But there's writing and then there's.... what these people do. Editors do more actual writing on the shows, for the most part.

I mean do we really need MORE people in the Guild who don't give a fuck about how feature writers are treated? Can't they join the teamsters?

7/29/2006 1:25 PM  
Blogger Robert Green said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/29/2006 2:41 PM  
Blogger Robert Green said...

guys guys gals

this is josh. just because you think Black Dahlia will be a good thing for Josh, don't get your hopes up. like i said, this is josh. i read a draft of his pre-fincher (or maybe the first fincher draft) and it was fucking awesome--a monster genius better-than-LA-Confidential masterwork. that movie was not made.

they made a brian depalma movie instead. i'm guessing (with no insider knowledge, just based on, oh, i don't know, Snake Eyes? Femme Fatale?), that this movie will not be a masterwork. just a guess.

the second part: you may be a dork (if by "may be" i mean "are") but your wife is not. she is hot. she is the anti-dork. i'm not hitting on her here but you, like me, married way up. wayyyyy up.

now, prepare for my wife on Fox News tomorrow night. comedy surely will ensue.

oh, and one other piece of insider knowledge (membership has its privileges): i finally finagled josh's fricking sci-fi script, and

7/29/2006 2:43 PM  
Blogger BTL said...

Okay, I'm a big enough fan/loser that I do, in fact, check your blog fairly often for updates, even when you have been gone for 2.75 months (not that I am one to criticize since it's a banner month when I get up 1.75 posts), but it comforts me to see that I'm not the only one, since I get here one day after you posted and THERE ARE ALREADY 28 COMMENTS. That's love. Or group psychosis. Perhaps mixed with a desperate need for procrastination. But whatever, welcome back, you were missed.

7/29/2006 4:55 PM  
Blogger Julie Goes To Hollywood said...

Josh, you are my hero. Cancer survivor, carb eater, modelizer, labor organizer. It happens I joined the WGA last week. In exchange for twenty five large I received a subscription to Written By Magazine and an invitation to join the Top Model picket line during a heat wave claiming 145 lives statewide. If you care to join me there, I'll bring the lemon bars. Sepulveda & Santa Monica, M-F 10-4.

7/29/2006 5:04 PM  
Anonymous Dreamer said...

My writng life could not go on until I read a new entry by you.

Thank god you're back!!

Now I can go back to sleeping 12 hours a day and fantasizing about the so called Hollywood screenwriters life.

7/29/2006 5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for your wonderful posts, be they regular or rare. The cancer story was incredible--by that I mean your story was very touching and your writing of your story was brilliant and emotionally gripping. No complaints here.

Bravo to you for bringing our attention to this issu and Boo to Tyra and company. I hope she has a change of silicon-shielded heart.

7/29/2006 10:05 PM  
Blogger The Frustrated Dinosaur said...

Josh- Welcome back, again. "Black Dahlia" looks friggin great, and my friends who have seen it confirmed my hopes that it's DePalma's best work in forever, so I'm going to prematurley congratulate you on that one. I hope you start posting with some frequency a new blogger and aspiring screenwriter, I understand how easy it is to slack off from updating. But it's good to hear from you, whenever you choose to post. My big concern coming out of this post is this: you don't think the writers on Project Runway are treated so poorly do you? Cause that would be heartbreaking.

7/29/2006 11:19 PM  
Anonymous Joel said...

Welcome back. And don´t you ever leave again. You give the aspiring writers reading here that warm, fuzzy feeling that it´s actually possible to enter the Zoo without loosing anything of that positive asshole attitude. And that´s a damned good feeling.

Josh - stay the snake on big H´s plane.

7/31/2006 1:58 AM  
Anonymous Nate said...

welcome back. August will be a busy month for you I'm sure, with the movie to end all movies set to premiere and take over the world. I can't wait for you to inform us all as to how it goes down...someday.

7/31/2006 2:22 AM  
Blogger Simon Underwood said...

Hello to you, Sir, good to see you back again. I hope you're feeling fully recovered and well, and congratulations on writing what is already my favourite film of the year after only seeing the trailer. You, De Palma, Ellroy, Eckhart, Johansson (plus an English actress named Jemima Rooper who I've had a crush on for years) have all combined to create pretty much a movie tailor made for me. Well done!

(Hey, if I'm this happy now, imagine how I'll be when I've seen it!)

Good writing, and good health to you.

7/31/2006 4:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont like the sound of your latte filled swimming pool anonymous. i think that might hurt my balls.

7/31/2006 7:37 AM  
Blogger NYOne said...

So glad you are back! Just in time to chime in on a very important issue. You should check out the interview with Djb, former Top Model recapper and current on-strike writer over at TWoP.

7/31/2006 12:14 PM  
Blogger Scribe LA said...

"So basically it'd be like watching my favorite show at home but eating other people's food. And I don't think I need to write any more about free food."

Josh, two words: you rock.
And if you gotta have a car that was on cribs, how about that scooter Kimberly Stewart rides around on? Not good for the wife and kids, huh? Alrighty, then... BMW x5. Oh no, has that been on cribs? You will be the first!

7/31/2006 3:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laughed my head off as always...glad you got over the Tyra "thing". As a onetime union member I am glad you have transcended your tv show idolotry for the more just cause...

7/31/2006 7:56 PM  
Blogger Robin Kelly said...

Josh, I hope the dispute gets resolved soon, I really don't want to have to boycott the show.

Spud, both the original US version and the UK version of Top Model have been on our side of the pond for years. Treat yourself.

8/01/2006 5:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And your point?

8/01/2006 4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tom Sizemore has signed to 'Bottom Feeder', by Peace Arch Entertainment's genre arm Archetype Films.

Bottom Feeder began filming last month in Canada and centres on a maintenance worker and his niece who encounter a giant rat accidentally created by the military.

Oh, yeah.

How about we give Sizemore a much needed hand and get the ball rolling on this soon-to-be masterpiece?

8/02/2006 2:42 AM  
Blogger Kelly J. Compeau said...

Nicole? You were rooting for Nicole? Ugh! That little tart has about as much class and maturitiy as my 10 year old niece. It's obvious that Nik should have won. Now there's a girl with class and quiet sophistication.

Up here, we just just finished our first season/cycle of Canada's Next Top Model. Not quite as exciting as the American counterpart but interesting nonetheless.

I hope Tyra and Ken give in to the writers' demands soon. These poor folks on the picket line deserve far more respect than they're getting.


8/02/2006 10:56 AM  
Blogger Mike said...

ha! I knew if I kept coming back something new would surface!

America's Top Model? Oh man....

but yeah the writers need some paper! and credits. and healthcare.....

keep the faith! Down with evil Tyra and her writing sweatshop!

8/02/2006 11:41 PM  
Anonymous Steve the Pirate said...

Even I'm one of those right-wing nutjobs you appear to hate so much, I still like you and hope you're feeling better and all that fun stuff.

Plus, a recent post of yours inspired some work on the Tombstone Generator...enjoy.


8/03/2006 4:39 AM  
Anonymous Jim Tuck said...

Glad to see the Monkey alive after such a long time, especially considering his last post had to deal with the evil spectre of cancer.

Don't scare us like that again, m'kay?

8/03/2006 5:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A new entry! Huzzah!

8/03/2006 9:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Fuck! I have missed this motherfucking guy. Humble as you are dude, you're a fucking Blogging GOD!

8/03/2006 1:28 PM  
Blogger lattégirl said...

I'm just happy whenever Josh posts, no matter what he writes about. It's just always good.

8/03/2006 5:50 PM  
Blogger Bubby said...

You're kind of like lemonade, except at the end of the glass, the last sip, where you have that last ice cube that is so satisfying to crunch. As the last drop goes down, you look to your right and smile sideways and with a muted "heh" as a full pitcher of homemade lemonade is ready for the taking.

As they say, everybody's a writer, but not everybody can write.

8/03/2006 10:14 PM  
Anonymous p said...

josh...have you really written T4? T3 was wack...and as kids, my friend and i once transcribed the entire dialogue to T2 and had a lot of fun quoting lines to each other, (because it was so ridiculous)....hopefully the studio will like what you've done...

8/04/2006 3:05 PM  
Blogger Peggy Archer said...

Glad you're back, motherfucker.

We missed you.

8/04/2006 9:58 PM  
Blogger Godsbane said...


Josh is back!


He's kicking ass!


Stickin' it to the suits, for the plight of the working monkeys all over the world!

(slow chorus guys)

"America! Fuck yeah! Comin' again to save the motherfuckin' day, yeah!"

8/05/2006 5:13 AM  
Blogger Sal said...

wrong side of the Atlantic to know who Tyra is, but I'm glad you're back. Hope you stay well.

8/05/2006 2:20 PM  
Anonymous redsimon said...

Actually Tyra IS known on this side of the atlantic.
AFAIK did Heidi Klum the first season of the show, didn't she? She also did one here in Germany. All good and entertaining, nice girls. But the most entertaining part of the show was not Heidi or the girls, but the runway trainer who was American btw.
In one episode after he girls had previously trained walking on high heels, he showed them a shoe with extremely high heels with the words: "Das ist der Wahrheit!" :D
Enough to make your nose shoot Dr. Pepper into the room. Not mine though. I wouldn't even drink that stuff if it were more widely available over here.

8/06/2006 11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So are you going to walk the picket line with your WGAw brother-monkeys, or what?

8/06/2006 5:33 PM  
Blogger David Press said...

People love this show. My parents are trying to get me to watch this, but I refuse because reality tv does nothing for me. I live in reality, I don't need to watch it on TV, it defeats the purpose of TV.

This sodding situation is reality and fucking blows hard core. The writer's aren't asking for much, just basic needs that every employee no matter what industry in, gets. Bloody travesty.

Please blog more I like hearing what you have to say.

8/07/2006 5:10 AM  
Blogger RogerRmjet said...

Josh, sorry it had to take Tyra's sweatshop to bring you back, but it's still great to see if you, even if for one brief, shining moment.

You know, Koepp may be, well, you know, Koepp, but has he started a phenomenon? Know, he hasn't. You are in rare company, my friend. I've been very impressed that with all the press that Snakes on a Plane has been getting, they've actually managed to give you proper credit for starting it all. For being there first. Which I find pretty amazing, but reporters are usually pretty lazy. So bask in your glory, and the next time you see Koepp, rub it in.

Saw the trailer for Black Dahlia last week and that looks excellent. Can't wait. You mentioned once before that you might write about it. If so, I have a question: since you had to make changes anyway, did you ever feel the urge to make the film more historically accurate than the novel?

8/07/2006 10:16 AM  
Blogger Nick Fury said...

Becareful of snakes. They draw heat from external sources. They sun themselves on anything warm and slither towards prey too carb rich to be aware of their advance. The mesmirization for the catch lasts only an instant. Then- no more mouse.

Still on a cool night in the hills, when the only thing left is to grab the road and yearn for some residual heat from anothers' tire, along comes a tourist and there's nothing left but blood and material for handbags.

So end all vipers.

8/07/2006 6:58 PM  
Blogger Greg said...

Holy fucking shit?! How did I not know you wrote "Black Dahlia"?! That fucking rocks, Josh.

And yeah, as a lowly spec monkey (but a paid playwright--got my first royalty check in July) I'm totally in support of the America's Top Model writers joining the WGA. I currently belong to COGS, the grad student union. Unions are a goodness; I would not have been able to afford grad school tuition without a tuition scholarship the union negotiated.

8/09/2006 12:02 AM  
Blogger Cheri said...

"Tyra was like Oprah if Oprah was Tyra"

I love it!!!

8/10/2006 12:13 PM  
Blogger Jackie Honikman said...

Just wanted to make sure you had this on your Hanukkah List:

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"8K yellow gold with antique finish, 3D Snakes on a Plane pendant with diamonds, all on a 22" 18K yellow gold ball chain."

This is of course available at the New Line Store... here's the link:

8/10/2006 12:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh...Tyra Banks? Top Model? Sorry, did you say your surgery was a partial Nephrectomy? Sounds more like or a double Orchidectomy.

8/11/2006 8:52 AM  
Anonymous mouse knuckle said...

Where's the beef?

8/11/2006 7:52 PM  
Blogger hermit of the hills said...



8/13/2006 1:32 PM  
Anonymous honkeytonkmofo said...

puhlease. this is ridiculous. first of all, don't forget the writer's don't NOT have health insurance. they just pay for it themselves. like me. it's called fucking freelancing.

second of all, cry me a river. they get paid good money for an easy job. the truth is that the unionized tv-writers ARE GROTESQUELY OVERPAID. these reality writers are getting a fare wage.

go dig a ditch for eight bucks an hour and then let's talk about unfair wages.

and finally, why the hell does tyra have to have an opinion on this topic? you assume she is hiding in fear. maybe she just thinks it's a complicated issue and doesn't have a side.

it's not the end of the world that she isn't knee-jerk rahrah'ing for people just because they happen to have the same job as you.

8/15/2006 3:51 AM  
Blogger The Dung Beetle said...

Wow. I stopped watcing Top Model a few seasons back, and I had no idea writers were getting a bad shake. thanks for brining this into the spotlight.

8/16/2006 10:33 AM  
Blogger 传世私服 said...


8/26/2006 2:07 AM  
Blogger malconsidine said...

Josh: I was really blown away by the a) the dialogue and b) the faithfulness in The Black Dahlia.

Better than L.A. Confidential? I THINK SO! Kudos... keep up the good work.

Now let's talk about American Tabloid.

9/16/2006 2:57 AM  
Anonymous Colleeen said...

Josh, thank you so much for the highly amusing posts in the past. The best to you and your family. And thank you so much for the chuckles you have always provided, snakes and all! And I, personally, will continue to lobby for universal health care. Best of luck to you, and again, thank you so much.

9/30/2006 5:02 AM  
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10/29/2006 11:01 AM  
Anonymous h hole said...

This ain't no blog; it's some kinda punchline. And the setup goes somethin' like this: "How lazy is this Jew?" Get off your fat ass and write somethin'.

3/15/2007 3:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi, I`m from Germany and I wonder me what you about telling?
It is useful? maybe!
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3/27/2007 11:53 PM  
Anonymous santos said...
If no one makes video for you ill make it. It will be mother fucking good. ill broadcast worldwide more than paramount or columbia did. Remember me my brother

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