Tuesday, July 20, 2010

SLEDGEHAMMER AND WHORE

This is the story of a Procedural.

So I'm at a meeting with a producer the other day and he's pitching me a tv idea. As way of emphasizing why I need him and his idea, he brings forth a piece of paper. On it, my credits. He doesn't actually hand it over to me but he says this:

PRODUCER: I've been looking over your credits, pretty impressive.
ME: Thanks, we try.
PRODUCER: Seems to me you're just missing one thing from these credits. And I'm gonna tell you what it is.
ME: Please do.

At which point he turns the piece of paper towards me and I see he's written in bold black marker near the top, pointing to the list: BIG FUCKING HIT TV SHOW.

ME: Well, yes, I am missing that. Very true. I think about that a lot.

PRODUCER: That's all right. Because I'm here to change all that.

At which point he launches into his pitch for what may or not be "my big fucking hit tv show."

Now, I leave it to you to debate whether pointing out my shortcomings is a good or bad sales strategy (it rarely works for my dad but often for my wife), and I'll leave it to me to decide whether or not the idea he pitched me was the answer to my problems.

I will say this about the idea, however: IT WAS ENORMOUS. The concept, the scope, the budget, it was resolutely and irresponsibly EPIC and for that I was totally grateful. Because if I'd been pitched one more aspirational character-driven procedural you were going to have to peel me off the Barham asphalt.

Not that I don't understand the impulse for procedurals. They're the golden retrievers of television. They're cheap. They're endearing. Not too hard to understand. And they won't cost 3.5 million per ep, pull in a 1.4 rating, and pee on your favorite tauntaun sleeping bag.

On the other hand, there's been a lot of recent attempts at "event" television and almost all have been utter failures. Even some of the ones still on the air stagger around like a drunk who woke up with a Season 2 and have no idea who drove them there or how to get home (I'm looking at you, V.).

With the death of Lost and 24, we find ourselves looking for the next bit of pop culture big-fucking-dealness that we can get ourselves all worked up for. And when I say "we" I'm referring to Fans of TV with a capital F and not simply those for whom TV is the thing that occupies the space between dinner and the sleep apnea machine. We Fans of TV want that Big Sexy Going Down the Rabbit Hole Feeling and no matter how much my mother loves Simon Baker, The Mentalist just isn't going to do it for us.

The Mentalist, is, however, going to make a shitload of money for all involved. It's easy on the eyes and is habit-forming much in the same way two glasses of red wine a night is: you'll get a nice, warm buzz but you're not gonna get really wasted and wake up with Cobb's malevolent freight train blasting through your cortex. The Mentalist isn't the best sex you've ever had, but it's also not likely to leave you to finish yourself off while your partner falls asleep to reruns of "Cheaters".

The Character-driven Procedural works for a number of reasons, but the biggest and the best of them is this: they almost never get picked up to series without a Serious Asswhipping Actor in the lead. Simon Baker. Hugh Laurie. Tony Shaloub. Kyra Sedgwick. Angie Harmon. These are legitimate cleanup hitters in any TV lineup. They might not be the favorites of the genre crowd. You might not stand in line for their autograph. And you are not going to see them down at Comic-Con doing funny panels with Jeff "Doc" Jensen. Why? Because they are too busy making the other twenty million people who watch tv every night love them.

"Event" television, on the other hand (and here we can probably insert the word "genre" or "science fiction"), usually demands a big canvas, a big cast of characters, and a large concept that often dominates. It's ideas first, characters second, and that, dear friends, is often a recipe for tv disaster. FlashForward tried to balance a lot of character work on the big bouncing back of their elephantine idea but the show never found a proper stride and a lot of people were knocked off into the pachyderm shit. Warehouse 13 works for SyFy because it's what X-Files would be if Mulder and Scully took Ecstasy and dry-humped their way through a Freak of the Week. Which is to say, a quirky procedural.

Aaah, but what about Lost, you say? Explain Lost, or at the very least, explain Lost's success? Big ideas, lots of characters, no big alpha stars, lots of story, lots of...lots?

I'm not the first to say this, but Lost is a freak show that will never be repeated. It's the Michael Jackson of television. No one should try to deconstruct the Lost phenomenon ever again. There is nothing to be gained from studying Lost's success. It's a Black Swan, or an Outlier, or one of many other books on my Kindle I'll never read now because, let's be honest, it's on my Kindle.

You can't construct a phenomenon from the outside-in. You can't will a show into the public's consciousness. Both of this year's breakout hits, Glee and Modern Family, had big buzz coming into the season. But that's because people who'd seen them knew they were good. They didn't just decide they needed them to be good and then set out to market them so, they actually KNEW they were. Both shows also have very strong creators who know television, know their own minds, and know what show they're making. These are not shows that could've been created by anybody--and that's not something you can say about most television. They are also decidedly NOT procedurals.

The stories I love often involve world-building. But most people working in the tv business are terrified of building worlds. They want shows that are relatable and recognizable. They want real worlds with real people that will under no condition make viewers uncomfortable or remind them of anything remotely strange and unknown. No Ordinary Family is a perfect example of this: the family is Absolutely Ordinary until they're NOT. And when they're NOT, they respond to that very NOT-ness just as any other Ordinary Family would.

But much of our most successful and daring television is, if looked at broadly, Fantastic with a capital F. Ryan Murphy is a world-builder, Matt Weiner is a world-builder, Vince Gilligan is an 800 lb world builder. Breaking Bad exists in a strange Albuquerque Dream State that is at once the most surreal and also the most achingly real drama I've ever watched. These are "genre" shows, maybe not exactly science fiction, but certainly not traditional "dramas", either. They are as weird and off-putting and daring and out there as any "space ship show" that the networks refuse to put on every year. And that was even before mother and daughter sang "Poker Face" to each other across a grand piano.

But I digress.

This is a story of a Procedural. Specifically, mine.

Last Sunday night the wife and I were sound asleep at 1145pm after a night of Entourage, True Blood and Schadenfreude. Because I have the iPhone4 and thus cannot use it as a phone, I had forwarded my cell phone to our home phone. At approximately 11:47:52, the phone rings and my wife answers it. Here is the call as has been best reconstructed:

WIFE: Hello...Who is this?
WOMAN: I need to speak to Josh.
WIFE: What? Why? Who is this?
WOMAN: Let me speak to Josh. He owes me money.
WIFE: Money? Call back in the morning.
WOMAN: I need to talk to him now. I'm in his office. He owes me money.
WIFE: (to me, handing over the phone) It's for you.

WOMAN: Josh? I need my money. I'm in your office.
ME: I don't know what the fuck you are talking about. What office?
WOMAN: Your office. In Larchmont. I'm there.
ME: You're in my office? At midnight. On Sunday? Describe my office.

At which point the woman gives me a very detailed description of my writing office--a second floor one room/one bathroom space that I rent because as much as I love my family...well, The Shining.

ME: Okay, fine, you're in my office. Why? And again, who are you?
WOMAN: You know why I'm in your office, Josh. You've been here with me for the last three or four hours.
ME: Lady, I don't know who you've been with in my office, but I haven't been there for two weeks. I mean that's a problem itself, my lack of motivation, but lets get back to what you're doing there?
WOMAN: Well...I met someone claiming to be you on the internet and he paid me to come to your office and have sex with him. Only he didn't pay me. He left. And now I've wasted my whole fucking night.

At which point I write the word "hooker" on the bottom of the envelope I'm using to take notes and hold it up for the wife. Now, it is perhaps a testimony or a condemnation to the way that I've lived my life that at no point during my conversation with this hooker calling me from my office and asking for payment does my wife for EVEN AN INSTANT think that perhaps, yes, she should be concerned that a hooker is calling her husband at home asking for payment.

Now I don't know about the rest of you, but this is a first for me, and my mind is racing. What to do? What information do I need? How do I go about getting it? I'm proud of myself for writing "hooker" on the envelope but I know I've got to do better than that. What pops into my head is: WHAT WOULD THE MENTALIST DO?

So I begin asking questions, trying to extract as much information from her as I can. Eventually I convince her that I am Not the John She is Looking For. At which point she says:

WOMAN: Well, now I'm feeling creeped out. Someone in here was pretending to be you. I think I'm gonna leave and go to my car.
ME: Great idea!

I ask her for the description of the guy:

WOMAN: Six two, white, clean cut, good haircut, nice jeans, cool Adidas sneakers, purple with green stripes, like the African soccer team. And by the way...can I say...I'm not proud of of what I do, but I'm not ashamed, either. I'm in school, single mom, two kids. I do what I've gotta do.

ME: I understand.

(Holy shit, really? Could she really have a heart of gold?)

ME: Could I have your full name and your phone number. In case the police need to talk to you?

WOMAN: Sure.

At which point she gives me HER FULL NAME AND HER PHONE NUMBER. My God. The woman really does have a heart of gold. But I can imagine the network notes:

NETWORK NOTES: We don't find the prostitute character believable. She's so helpful and well-adjusted. I don't think any prostitutes act like that. And the kid thing is so cliche. Shouldn't our cop have to earn that phone number with a little more detective work?
ME: First of all, the guy's not a cop. He's a quirky amateur who's also the victim in this case.
NETWORK NOTES: Feels a little premise-y. I thought we weren't doing a premise pilot.
ME: Second, go fuck yourself.

Finally I hang up with the plucky hooker and call the LAPD, pumped up by my amateur detective skills and excited to HAND THEM A FULLY MADE CASE.

What follows is fifteen of the most Kafka-esque minutes I've ever spent on the phone:

ME: A hooker and a john pretending to be me had sex in my office tonight. I need a patrol car to go to my office.
COP: How do you know?
ME: The hooker called me and told me.
COP: How does she have your number?
ME: I don't know. She's spent four hours in my office with a guy pretending to be me.
COP: You need to go to your office and see if anything's been taken. See if a crime has been committed. Then call us and we'll come out there.
ME: People are fucking in my office. In the middle of the night. For money. Without my permission. Certainly there's a crime there. And it's a brand new Ikea leather couch. I would say the couch's innocence has been taken if nothing else.
COP: You need to go up there and see.
ME: I'm scared.
COP: It's Larchmont, sir. It's safe.
ME: I'm gonna beg to differ.

Eventually the officer and I come to an agreement: I will not go to my office by myself in the middle of the night and see if the mysterious woman on the phone was telling the truth about why she was in my office and he will absolutely not send a car over there to check it out.

NETWORK NOTES: We don't really like the cop here. He's not very sympathetic.
ME: Agreed. But that's the law. There's a shortage of cars and they can't be sending them all willy-nilly everywhere.
NETWORK NOTES: Well someone should say that somewhere. Have the cop say he would go but the regulations won't let him. It's the system.
ME: That's not what the story is about.
NETWORK NOTES: And, you come off as a real pussy.
ME: No argument there. I'll see what I can do.

The next morning in the warm light of day I decide to go to my office and investigate. It's 8:30 am, and I'm feeling much braver after a full night's sleep and a lumberjack's portion of Ativan. My office entrance is on the exterior of a two story building with an outside set of stairs, ostensibly the only way into my office, in case you wanted to break in and screw a hooker and then ditch her.

I turn the doorknob, it's open. I curse my favorite hooker for not locking up afterwards but I understand she was a little spooked when she left. As I step into the office, A MAN steps out of my bathroom.

This is the moment time freezes: he is across the room and I immediately do a tilt-pan from head to toe, like the third act of a thriller when the hero is confronting the murderer: Tall, white, good haircut, nice jeans...wait for it...purple and green Adidas sneakers!

He is certainly as unhappy about this encounter as I am, but as he's probably had more experience playing the bad guy then I have playing the quirky amateur detective, he speaks first:

MAN: Oh..hey..Sorry...my buddy said to wait for him in his office...Is this the wrong office...? Damn. Sorry...

Watching someone lie and hope to get away with it is a fascinating experience. You know the answers to the test that he's currently trying to bullshit his way through, but you want to give off the impression that maybe you're buying it so you don't let him know that the jig is completely up. Which, of course, it most certainly is.

But then he does something downright creepy: he edges his way to my desk, sits down at my computer, and begins clicking keys and closing windows.

ME: DUDE. Are you fucking kidding me? Get off my computer!
MAN: Sorry. I was just surfing while I was waiting for my friend--
ME: DUDE. Do you have ID on you? Name? Anything?
MAN: Yea, of course. Wallet...Hmmm...can't find it. Shit...

He stands...

I know that at different times in this blog I've referred to myself as a fat, lazy fuck. But in truth...who am I kidding. That's exactly what I am. However, in the last year I've become a less fat, less lazy fuck. I've hired a trainer, mostly at the behest of my wife, who doesn't want me to die young and leave my child fatherless. My own motivation for working out is mostly to postpone my death at least until my wife is old enough that she can't remarry anyone that would sexually threaten me when I watch them fucking from Heaven.

For the last year I've only done one kind of exercise, three times a week: I'VE BOXED. And if my trainer is to be believed, and why wouldn't you believe a man who spent five years on British Gladiators and is nicknamed RHINO, I have a right hook like a SLEDGEHAMMER.

So as the tall man stands up from my computer, holding up his hands in a "no problem' kind of gesture, I'm thinking to myself: release the sledgehammer, Josh. Release the fucking sledgehammer. He doesn't know you're onto him, step in as if to shake his hand, pull him close and drop him like a rock...That's what any good hero of any decent show would do...release the fucking sledgehammer...

Here is also what is going on in my head: I'm gonna have to put my backpack down...but my iPad's in my backpack. What if he grabs that and swings it at me? What if he has a knife in those jeans of his, what if he guts me like a fish? For what? If I swing at him will my new iPhone fall out of my shorts pocket? It falls out all the time in the car, these shorts pockets are so shallow, I should've gotten the case for the phone, then it'd be less likely to fall out and break...if I had the case I probably would get better reception in my house and wouldn't have forwarded the call to the home phone...I never would've answered the phone last night...I wouldn't be here face to face with this guy...Bring the sledgehammer, Josh...

Here's what I said:

ME: Why don't we go outside and talk? I need to make a phone call.
MAN: Sure.

At this point I notice he's got a skateboard leaning against the wall. He casually grabs it as we head outside, down the stairs and down the long driveway to the street. I'm hoping someone else will be out there so maybe I can grab him and a mob will form and help me hold him down, but no one's there...He keeps repeating one phrase over and over as he edges to the street:

MAN: I don't want any trouble, I don't want any trouble...

I finally snap, screaming: "IF YOU DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE YOU SHOULD STOP FUCKING HOOKERS IN MY OFFICE AND NOT PAYING THEM!"

His eyes go wide and he stumbles onto his skateboard, paddling for the street. I half-heartedly jog after him, trying vainly to take a picture of him with my iphone4, yelling nonsensical things like: "Come back here and I will fuck you up!"

He does not come back.

NETWORK NOTES: We don't like the detective very much here. He doesn't stop the bad guy, has no plan, and at the end sort of just puffs after him yelling like an idiot.
ME: It's real. It's what really happens when people are confronted with these types of things. Especially quirky amateurs.
NETWORK NOTES: Again, seems like a pussy.
ME: I get that. Maybe he'll just seem flawed but in an endearing way.
NETWORK NOTES: We also don't understand why he says the part about not paying the hooker. Why does he consider that to be relevant to all this?
ME: He's got a good heart. The hooker seemed so nice and he feels for her.
NETWORK NOTES: He's not gonna do something stupid in the next episode is he? Like call the hooker and meet her at a coffee shop and pay her the money she's owed.
ME: Ummmmm...No.

I return to my office and call the police. Two and a half hours later they arrive, turning my USA detective show into a hard-boiled network cop series. Two female uniforms, serious women, women who clearly do not want to be hearing from some jackass waving an envelope with the word HOOKER! written on the bottom.

I detail my story, knowing how impressed they're going to be by the number of clues I've already amassed...

COP: Sir. Before you continue...I want to say something to you.
ME: Of course, officer.
COP: I need you to understand that it is against the law to file a false police report sir. It is a crime.
ME: Are you kidding me?
COP: I am not.
ME: Are you suggesting I'm making this up? Why? To cover up for the fact that a hooker has called my home demanding money from me? Do you think I'm a whore-r? (sp?)
COP: It's a strange story, sir. Very strange. Doesn't add up. They seem to know a lot about you.
ME: They were in my office for four hours! I'm pretty sure they weren't having sex the whole time. God knows I couldn't.

NETWORK NOTES: We like this part. Conflict between our guy and the system. Of course they would suspect that. Maybe our guy did do it. Maybe it's all a scam. Like Usual Suspects. We love that movie. People wouldn't expect that.
ME: He didn't do it. There's security camera footage which shows the plucky hooker and the big tall John.
NETWORK NOTES: We need to see that. Security camera footage is always cool.

So there I was: scanning security camera footage with one cop while the other one took the phone number for the hooker and called her to confirm my story. There was definitely a moment of panic when I considered that the hooker was going to deny the whole thing and make me look foolish, but God bless her she SANG LIKE A CANARY!

I am not making that up. That is what the police officer said when she got off:

COP: My God. That woman SANG LIKE A CANARY."

(For those of you who've never hear that line in real life, trust me, it's even better than you imagine it would be.)

So between my new best hooker friend and the security tape footage, the police finally believe my story. (Another FYI: the security camera adds, like, fifteen pounds.)

So what do they do?

They do nothing. Wait. That's not true: they leave.

ME: But...I've got a glass here with his fingerprints on it! He left a shirt! It's wet! Full of DNA! There's a muddy footprint! Don't you want to take a cast?
COP: We're good, sir. Nothing's been taken. No property damage. We'll pass it along to the detectives but...I don't even know what we'd charge...
ME: Breaking and entering? Unlawful sex and non-remuneration of a prostitute?
COP: Sir.
ME: Well, are you going to send a forensic computer expert out to go through my computer? See what he was poking around in? See if he's stolen my identity for real?
COP: Nah. You can go on your computer. It's fine.
ME: Really.
COP: Really.

NETWORK NOTES: Well that just seems like lazy writing.
ME: But that's what happened.
NETWORK NOTES: It's not satisfying. The amateur sleuth's gotta go on the computer, use his own sleuthing skills, figure out the perp. You know. MacGyver it. We need more of that. More MacGyvering. Less being a pussy.

So that's what I did. For the rest of the day, another tv writer friend and I scoured the office and computer for clues, photographing footprints, analyzing the back window of the office for smudges...We discovered that the end of the paper towel roll I'd left over there had gotten caught in the window, obviously evidence that the window had been opened and shut (never by me). We found a print by the window, a smudge on the sill, we discerned the wet shirt was from the rain the Saturday before, also explaining the muddy footprint...We created a timeline of entry, cross-referencing with the time codes from the security footage...He'd come in off the adjacent roof, through the window...bringing the weather with him...

We went through my computer and discovered he'd gone through every one of my files only a half hour before I caught him in the office. This included deal memos, accounting emails, pictures of my family. You name it, he'd seen it. I canceled all of my credit cards, alerted the credit unions...

We went through my browser--he hadn't had time to erase his history--and found that he'd spent a good portion of the morning ordering ANOTHER HOOKER. We blew up stills of webpages, recovering a possible email account...I imagined how impressed the detectives would be with me when I provided them with all of these new leads...I was an amateur forensic genius profiling motherfucker...

We found out that my hooker with a heart of gold had spent some time the previous night doing what many of us do while waiting for a john to return from a smoke break: editing photos on facebook. A few clicks and we'd learned that everything she said was true: she was a single mother of two, attending college...Her photos were full of friends and family and happy memories, and I couldn't help but wonder about a world where this woman would do what she did and then retreat back into her world, if only through photos...

NETWORK NOTES: Too much. The whole photo thing while waiting for the john. Ick. Maudlin. It makes me feel sorry for her and now I'm getting a little creeped out by the detective. This is not blue sky. This is the opposite of blue sky.
ME: I was thinking of a Coldplay song over a montage.
NETWORK NOTES: Oh we love Coldplay. That'd be really powerful.
ME: So that's how it'll end: The amateur detective mooning over the hooker with the Coldplay song in the background, pushing his way forward all alone, the system ignoring him, looking for a break that may never come.
NETWORK NOTES: But not dark or serialized or anything like that, right?
ME: It'll be case of the week. Like The Mentalist.
NETWORK NOTES: We love Simon Baker.
ME: Who doesn't.
NETWORK NOTES: Does it have a title?
ME: Yep.

MY BIG FUCKING HIT TV SHOW.

178 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post seems to be missing the part where the Sarah Connor Chronicles comes back. Excellent post nonetheless.

7/20/2010 10:08 PM  
Blogger ThePinkPeril said...

And I am left wanting more. Does the hooker ever get her money without being arrested for prostitution? Does the tall identity thieving breaking and entering skateboarder ever appear again? I hate it when shows end unresolved.

7/20/2010 10:33 PM  
Blogger Chris said...

You, sir, have just put the perfect capper on my birthday. Just when I think the world can't get any weirder...

(And I, for one, would totally watch that show. Hit for sure!)

7/20/2010 10:33 PM  
Blogger Blitzen said...

Oh my god, that was fabulous. It's just too bad the cops are never as cool as they seem on TV.

7/20/2010 10:40 PM  
Blogger GregM said...

Awesomeness cubed. It's good to have you back, Josh.

Also, you make my blogging look prolific.

7/20/2010 10:40 PM  
Anonymous Mar (lovesummertime) said...

Sorry Josh, but I wont be watching your BIG FUCKING HIT TV SHOW, it sounds a little disturbing, unless Simon Baker it´s on it, we all love him indeed!!

Well for the moment I will stick to my Sarah Connor Chronicles`s dvds because there is nothing really good on tv anyway


p.s. keep the blogs flowing, they are always enjoyable

7/20/2010 10:49 PM  
Blogger Lee Goldberg said...

Fucking brilliant. Best blog post I've read from anybody in a year. Great to have you back.

7/20/2010 11:36 PM  
Blogger Doctor Memory said...

I find myself wondering if you're related to this guy.

7/21/2010 12:09 AM  
Blogger RoxyB said...

I'm thinking 8pm, but hookers aren't good for that. Let's make her a pizza deliverer. And can you replace the TV writer friend with a little kid sidekick? Say, 12ish going on 30? Maybe Cuban. And witty.

7/21/2010 12:20 AM  
Anonymous CJ said...

"B&E has a face, and that face is...."

"In a world populated by hookers who sing like canaries...."

"New, on Tuesdays, Simon Baker is...'The Skateboardist'"

Regardless of the bigness or f'ingness of the enterprise, one thing is clear: you paint pictures with words. Having been known to plop a word or two myself, that's the treasure. Well...that and having a sense of humor to keep things in perspective. Thanks for sharing.

7/21/2010 12:26 AM  
Blogger unprinted said...

Note to her:

When working, always, always remember the first words of the Bible, according to the play Shopping and Fucking anyway: "GET THE MONEY FIRST!"

7/21/2010 2:54 AM  
Blogger Sophont said...

IANAL but he did commit a federal crime http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/18/1030.html

7/21/2010 4:31 AM  
Blogger uncommon said...

Josh,

I'm a retired cop from the UK. It is good to note that all cops, all over the world, follow the same procedures with weird stuff:)

According to my study of the law, the man was a trespasser and you were then and there in fear of violence.

Methinks the sledgehammer should have been employed, XPD.



brendan (atlanta)

7/21/2010 4:46 AM  
Blogger Podcast Four said...

I had a Rhino action figure when I was a kid.

http://www.markrhinosmith.com/gladiators.html

Great blog.

7/21/2010 5:42 AM  
Blogger Ryan said...

Absolutely brilliant.

7/21/2010 6:11 AM  
Anonymous GFoltan said...

Hi Josh, your're simply great as always ! ;-)

7/21/2010 6:21 AM  
OpenID planetallstar said...

I doubt I'll read anything this good for a while. Just fucking brilliance, Josh.

7/21/2010 6:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, this sounds exactly like a "Bored to Death" episode.

7/21/2010 7:08 AM  
Blogger Andrew said...

So this is essentially Jonathan Ames/HBO's "Bored to Death" transplanted to LA?

7/21/2010 7:23 AM  
Blogger Blythe said...

I came here on a Tweet. I stayed because I like to read and I enjoyed the way you tell a story. I realized why I'm such a bottom-feeding TV addict. Works for me.

7/21/2010 7:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Josh!

Great show your blog is!!!

I like the hooker aspect of your (real) story... never ever change her into a pizza girl :-P

You could send her to Germany, where prostitution is a legal profession. But I guess, you already knew ;-)

Alex

7/21/2010 7:45 AM  
Anonymous Logan said...

Bring the sledgehammer, Josh...

7/21/2010 7:56 AM  
Blogger Brett said...

Clearly, TV is hungry for a show like BRING THE SLEDGEHAMMER.

It's ANDY GRIFFITH meets THE BIG LEBOWSKI. A Quinn Martin production.

In color.

7/21/2010 8:45 AM  
Blogger Bill Peschel said...

Oh, wow, oh, wow. This had me on the edge of my seat. Lee was right; this is one of the best essays I've read all year.

Now I'm going to be walking into work muttering, "bring the sledgehammer. Bring the m-fuckin' sledgehammer! Cut like a fuckin' sledgehammer."

7/21/2010 9:11 AM  
Blogger Noumenon said...

I don't see why you really care what goes on in your office while you're not there. You might wanna put a password on your computer though so the guys from Leverage don't come in and post incriminating evidence on your blog. But as a cop there is no way I would bother responding to a breaking and entering that was done with no property damage just so some people could have a good time.

7/21/2010 9:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This Story ends abruptly, sort of like another show that i know... Hmm... Maybe some terminator show...

7/21/2010 9:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And BAM! Like a SLEDGEHAMMER! You're BACK!

7/21/2010 10:09 AM  
Blogger Matthew Dessem said...

Does this mean I can't use your office any more?

7/21/2010 10:26 AM  
Anonymous Mary Sue said...

John Rogers said to read this, so of course I did...

Holy flying monkey butts of doom, I thought I had a weird day. You totally win.

7/21/2010 10:30 AM  
Blogger Fred said...

Terrible post, I agree with the Network. :-D

Wish I could write this badly.

7/21/2010 11:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh.. Oh g.. god. I came.

I been waiting almost a motherfuckin' year for another motherfuckin' blog post outta you.

Is it wrong that I plop open Google Reader occasionally just to see if, by way of miracle, there's perhaps a new post on the Lack of Faith blog?

W00t!

Now we simply wait for the posts written in Mandarin, or from people selling car stereos.

7/21/2010 11:38 AM  
Anonymous Steve Green said...

"And when I say 'we' I'm referring to Fans of TV with a capital F and not simply those for whom TV is the thing that occupies the space between dinner and the sleep apnea machine."

Hey, less of the apnea cracks, man. Just because I want to avoid dying in my sleep.

7/21/2010 11:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, breaking and entering isn't in itself a crime? That's lame. Cops never fail to disappoint in real life. Awesome post, though.

7/21/2010 11:52 AM  
OpenID thistletat said...

I finish the entry and think... How did we get from here... to here?? Incredible. And, so hilarious, with the notes from the network.

Love the comment suggesting Bring the Sledgehammer as the title for the show, but you should shorten that to just... SLEDGEHAMMER. And, it should be on TNT.

7/21/2010 12:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey! I would definitely watch this show. I'm just not sure where it would go next week.

Not like every week a guy gets his office broken into like that...

unless he comes back next week to find a whole party of transvestites with silly string entrenched in his office or something. But that's just the last shot of the first ep, that hangs in the air just before the credits fly... and is never referenced again, save by the protagonist's sometimes annoying best friend.

But that would probably ruin the whole thing.

One sentence:"TAKE THIS BUS TO CUBA!"

Drat. That's a movie. NM.

7/21/2010 12:49 PM  
Blogger Michael Bourgon said...

Awesome. That needs to be a meme: "release the sledgehammer". Please, more stuff.

Whatever happened with the sci-fi movie you were working on?

7/21/2010 2:06 PM  
Blogger Joshua James said...

Friedman, why do you only do this once a year or so ... you kill me.

7/21/2010 2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1) Hope you completely cleaned and Febrezed your office to neutralize the Stranger Sex molecules.

2) I feel pity for an amateur prostitute who doesn't collect $ up front and doesn't have a driver/friend waiting for her. I'm worried about this woman, actually. Not street smart.

7/21/2010 2:48 PM  
Blogger Mia H. said...

Wow, that was quite a story. I'm really intrigued by all this! Fascinating stuff!

7/21/2010 3:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm going to plant an idea in your head.

You have to make something come back to life which was taken.

I'm here to tell you, that they are inside your mind and they are trying to steal your idea.

You have to confront them and take it back.

Think of a new way to retrieve what was taken.

Go to them and confront them. People you know, who have your idea, or trying to rebuild it. You have to join them and become the leader, the architect once again.

If they rebuild your idea without you, it can tarnish what you've already built.

It's a five-word title.

I need you to remember that title.

I need you to write it.

Josh

Hope is a waking dream.

7/21/2010 3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh,

Are you cool with Nikki Finke republishing your entire story (and generating ad revenue from it)?

http://www.deadline.com/2010/07/josh-friedmans-real-life-tv-procedural/

7/21/2010 4:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That'sa great big heap of fucked up-ness. It did help spread some laughter, in the least. I rarely laugh out loud while reading, but you really had me going.

Thanks!

7/21/2010 4:20 PM  
Blogger David Handelman said...

not sure why people are afraid to comment with their real names on this one.

This is not only a classic blog post which disproves the prevailing theory that shorter is better, but it is one of the truest things written about TV in a long time.

And in the old days someone would have to be seated next to you at a dinner party to get this much detail. Now Nikki Finke can just....well, repost it, though once I realized she'd done that, I reposted with your URL.

Sorry about the credit cards, but, sometimes stories like this cost a little effort, right?

7/21/2010 4:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this story!!!

It was incredibly suspenseful and entertaining, and so freakin' awesome! (not that it happened to you; just the way you told it). But I am absolutely HEARTBROKEN that you did not unleash the sledgehammer on him!

7/21/2010 4:39 PM  
Anonymous Andy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/21/2010 4:55 PM  
Anonymous Andy said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7/21/2010 4:58 PM  
Anonymous Kyle said...

Super funny, Josh. Thanks for the laughs!

7/21/2010 5:22 PM  
Blogger Kirk Pynchon said...

Josh,

Kirk Pynchon here. Great story man. Just f-ing hysterical!

7/21/2010 5:22 PM  
Blogger Mike626 said...

This is the finest thing I have ever read on the Internet.

Release the sledgehammer.

7/21/2010 5:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that poor facebook checking hooker. I just want to give her a hug.

Great great story btw. Haven't read something that engaging in awhile.

7/21/2010 5:26 PM  
Blogger Elana said...

This was mindblowing. Thank you.

7/21/2010 5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was hilarious! Sounds like a Louis C.K. episode if he was married. Great story...

7/21/2010 5:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of the greatest things I have ever read!

--D.

7/21/2010 5:48 PM  
Anonymous Diane BK said...

Oh my god. This was sent to me by a fellow screenwriter, and I owe him a dinner. That was one of the most insightful, hilarious, and just plain fucking brilliant essays on working in this business I've ever read.

Bring the Sledgehammer!

7/21/2010 7:18 PM  
Anonymous brandi said...

Josh, It's me, the "hooker". ("Masseuse" being preferred, thanks.) I have some notes regarding how you made me come off in your piece. You left out the whole thing about my Landmark training which really flattened me out as a character. My agent would like to schedule a "creative" to discuss some tweaks.

7/21/2010 7:33 PM  
Anonymous J0hn_Henry said...

You must cast Garret Dillahunt as the skateboard guy! :D

7/21/2010 8:35 PM  
Blogger Duane Swierczynski said...

Absolutely amazing. I don't care if you go a year between posts, sir, if the posts are this fantastic.

7/21/2010 8:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've missed you SOOO much! Dammit!

7/21/2010 9:26 PM  
Anonymous Dawn Wilcox said...

Brilliant, and thoroughly enjoyed.

7/21/2010 9:28 PM  
Anonymous Betsy said...

This is genius! I think Jerry Bruckheimer would be more than willing to produce SLEDGEHAMMER: P.I.! all fingers crossed it gets picked up mid-season! By all means, please post a follow-up---were the lady cops impressed with your detectiving? Did you meet the hooker for coffee and try to lead her away from a life of crime? did you burn the new IKEA couch? Have you installed new locks? Good luck with the treatment!

7/21/2010 10:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A while ago, I had someone break in to my condo. He was standing in the living room as I walked in. I kicked him out, but only after contemplating attacking him.

My officer called to my place kept insisting not to file a report over and over. Said it would be worthless and no one will find him.

Your story hits me in the way an ordinary man, you, tries to do something about it but everyone is working against him.

What irks me is the fact that only those who test the edge of the law get handouts while others (honest blokes) don't.

The criminal would've probably sued me anyhow for smashing his face in.

7/21/2010 10:40 PM  
Blogger Teresa Huang said...

You need to tell this story at The Moth! Brilliant stuff!

7/21/2010 11:25 PM  
Anonymous Drea G. said...

Saw this brilliant post on DHD and had to click the link to your blog. Read the last few posts and laughed until I cried at the (very timely!) Con! post from last year.

Hope you'll check in more often. Now I'm hooked.

xo
Drea

7/21/2010 11:26 PM  
OpenID celluloidblonde said...

This is fabulous. I love it.

7/22/2010 12:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SLEDGE HAMMER! has already been done.

7/22/2010 1:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"...as he's probably had more experience playing the bad guy then I have playing the quirky amateur detective..."

Mr Friedman, really...

7/22/2010 2:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(Dang, the "then" is supposed to be in bold but it didn't come out so well)

7/22/2010 2:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn! I wish I'd written that.

7/22/2010 4:18 AM  
Blogger Maria Grasso said...

Brilliant!

7/22/2010 5:23 AM  
Anonymous iPhone 3G 3GS case said...

You, sir, have just put the perfect capper on my birthday. Just when I think the world can't get any weirder...

7/22/2010 5:33 AM  
Blogger James Patrick Joyce said...

Brilliant, as always.

If only...

7/22/2010 7:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like your story! It has terrific 5-act structure!!

7/22/2010 8:48 AM  
Blogger depio168 said...

Okay, so now that your wife is at work, and the cops gone, DID YOU AT LEAST PAY THE HOOKER AFTER YOU DID HER?

7/22/2010 8:49 AM  
Blogger prk60091 said...

Great pilot. Can't wait to see the second episode.

7/22/2010 8:56 AM  
Blogger bwebster said...

OK, this is the best thing I've read in days, if not weeks. And I read a lot.

7/22/2010 8:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Office computer -> PASSWORD PROTECTION? Duh.

7/22/2010 8:59 AM  
Blogger bwebster said...

On the other hand, I'm old enough to remember the real "Sledge Hammer" TV series (sort of a 'Naked Gun' clone). Catchphrase: "Trust me -- I know what I"m doing."

7/22/2010 9:00 AM  
Blogger ChuckEye said...

"It's Larchmont, sir. It's safe."

Well, you really can't argue with that, now, can you?

7/22/2010 9:03 AM  
Blogger Steve said...

See if you can work in a vuvzela somewhere. I hear everyone loves those things.

7/22/2010 9:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can see where it's fodder for neither Reader's Digest nor Showtime. But it's a great short story, anyway.

7/22/2010 9:44 AM  
Anonymous Alesia said...

That was completely epic. And I would totally watch your show by the way :)This story has just made my day!

7/22/2010 10:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is the wife hot? Viewers love it when a fat guy has a hot wife.

7/22/2010 10:16 AM  
Blogger airmanchairman said...

You have a far mightier, fiercer sledgehammer than the one Rhino conditioned into you - that awesome pen of yours - bring it forever.

7/22/2010 10:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, the really crazy thing is that it is totally true. We live in larchmont village, and you can't get the cops to show up when you need them, when you don't need them they show up, and then send you a bill - yes, we have actually gotten a bill from the LAPD when our alarm went off by mistake and for some reason that time they decided to come out, but when break-ins happen up and down our street they tell you that you need to actually come to the office to file a report.

7/22/2010 10:38 AM  
Blogger itstartedwithawindmill said...

That word "procedural" made me really sleepy and then I skimmed to "hooker".

You're lucky the skateboarding, homeless conman didn't have a pistol and simply could have shot you a few times. Don't think for a second he wasn't capable of offing you but was intelligent enough to know he'd left too many clues to his identity in your office. Getting whacked over the head with Sparky the conman's skateboard could have left you a fricking vegetable being fed by tubes.

A little breaking & entering by a homeless conman looking to get laid and steal credit card information is nothing. You're just lucky that the police force hasn't been privatized, in which case you would have been arrested for something or anything. Then they would have put you in jail to get their per diem cost from the taxpayers and your wife would have had to bail you out & you'd have to hire a lawyer too.

I've heard too much reality lately. A niece and nephew recently told me about growing up with the psycho step-monster. The bulimic, anorexic, psychotic, uber-Catholic, conservative Republican, Auschwitz-bodied step-monster (and elementary school teacher) had brutalized a niece and nephew for years. This included being forced to eat vomit from a plate; being stabbed in the abdomen with an improvised & sharp metal broom handle, being dragged down stairs by the hair, being bitten Tyson-style on the shoulder and more exciting tales of brutality.

Read my blog RollingHomeless with its associated links to actual documents. We've all gone through the looking glass into a new world of conmen & conwomen (or should that be conpeople?) with nice haircuts & fashionable shoes.

Haven't you heard? Ethics, integrity, morality and conscience are all dead. You haven't heard??? Well then listen up to Al Pacino's character Lt. Colonel Frank Slade "Well, then, take the fuckin' wax outta your ears! Grow up! It's fuck your buddy, cheat on your wife, call your mother on Mother's Day! Charlie, it's all shit."

Whatever the hell "procedural" means, it's most likely something that allows you and others to believe that a stateboarding conman wouldn't have crushed your skull, that Erik Prince's privatized Xe/Whitewater Army didn't mow down innocent civilians in Iraq, that Norfolk Southern didn't hand out eyeglasses and eyecharts to employees for running through improperly lined railroad switches a month prior to almost killing the town of Graniteville SC, or any of the other non-procedural parts of reality from which our nation hides its collect head to avoid noticing.

Take a procedural moment to kiss your wife and kid. Then thank your friggin lucky stars you didn't charge down to your office in the middle of the night to some catastrophe that would have become a procedural crime scene. And throw that stupid ipod in a river and take your kid to the park without the damned thing.

7/22/2010 10:39 AM  
Anonymous Ben said...

Awesome.

7/22/2010 11:02 AM  
Blogger warren said...

Excellent writing. I can see this right before Entourage or as another fellow traveler noted anytime on Showtime...Where'd ya learn to write like that?

I want more.

7/22/2010 11:31 AM  
Blogger Nick said...

Those cops are like out of that Seinfeld episode where they'll solve the crime once they solve all the murders in the city.

7/22/2010 11:44 AM  
Anonymous Broomstix said...

This could be the most amazing blog I've read in... huh. Forever, I guess.

7/22/2010 12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post was hilarious and it left me wanting more. Please follow up.

A few tips:

1) Password protect your computer. Some models (like Dell) also have a hard-drive level password. Your computer won't even boot up into the OS if the HD password is set. Very secure.

2) Encrypt your data! if you have such valuable stuff on your drive, you need to keep it safe from prying eyes. Google 'TrueCrypt' for a free encryption solution.

3) Use a webcam as a simple office surveillance system. You can set it to only turn on when movement is detected.

4) Change the locks on your office door. Add a deadbolt if possible.

5) Secure all windows.

6) Most important. Reverse the background/text colors on your blog. I mean, white text on a black background? Dear Lord man, my eyes almost burned out of my head. Try a light grey background with black (or dark grey) text. Your readers will thank you.

7/22/2010 12:54 PM  
Blogger Craig Michael Patrick said...

Subscribed. Best thing I've read on the Web today.

7/22/2010 1:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'f you're really a screenwriter how come there is so much awful &@$# on TV, huh?

Great post.

7/22/2010 1:48 PM  
Blogger Paul Wartenberg said...

Now if you were able to hire Luis Guzman as a private eye and Kurt Russell as a semi-retired Elvis impersonator working as an L.A. taxi driver... I might watch your pilot episode there.

I'm sorely tempted to pitch an idea to you, Josh. You gonna be in Florida any time soon? Gimme a call, we'll do lunch.

7/22/2010 2:35 PM  
Anonymous Kyra said...

Um....there has to be more! It can't end like this! In your defense, the skateboarding thug scared me, too.

7/22/2010 2:44 PM  
Blogger Adron Buske said...

This is the best thing ever. I didn't know who you were before, but I love you. My day is better for reading this. It's like Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, with a little less kiss and a little more bang. Or was it the other way around?...

7/22/2010 2:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Password on your computer: set one.

7/22/2010 3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Neato! Thanks for the entertainment.

7/22/2010 3:54 PM  
Blogger M. Report said...

Yours may be the last funny story
with a happy ending to come out of
California for some time.

Perhaps you could do interviews with
the Hooker and the Hobo, using the
sort of remote controlled videocam
you should install in your office,
and your home; Inlude a bracket for
coaxial mounting of a Taser, and
later a Glock.

7/22/2010 5:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amusing read. I'd like to read more.

7/22/2010 8:34 PM  
Blogger Michelle Gagnon said...

Genius. Hey, I'd watch that show.

7/22/2010 11:12 PM  
Blogger Alan said...

I can't decide whether I believe a word of it...

...but it was a great read, either way!

7/22/2010 11:27 PM  
Blogger Riju said...

This was seriously thought-provoking. I mean, life actually is rather surreal at times, isn't it? Please keep blogging!

7/22/2010 11:36 PM  
Blogger emeryemery said...

I love it!

We are prepared to offer you a 6 episode deal and we need delivery by next month. You only need add a sidekick character who drops hilarious one liners, a 70s pimp for the hooker and her kid needs to be an adopted korean baby.

And make the hooker a Lesbian. Lezbos are huge right now!

7/23/2010 3:27 AM  
Blogger Christopher said...

Well, you know what they say...truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense.

Gods, your local police are stupid. Guys like this conman could easily escalate to home invasion or serial killing. Or so we learn from Criminal Minds.

7/23/2010 6:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

cool story bro

7/23/2010 10:43 AM  
Anonymous Jacob Dyer said...

my name is jacob dyer and i live in bristol. it is fantastic. i sound like barnaby bear. i like barnaby bear. one time he went to france. i went to france. but some kid burnt my neck. i didnt like it.

7/23/2010 10:45 AM  
Blogger Nyctotherion said...

If this was a pilot, when the show got picked up for series, the hooker would come back as the hard-boiled-PI's brassy secretary/sidekick.

Give the girl a job answering phones or something!

7/23/2010 11:06 AM  
Anonymous DanC-Actfourscreenplaysdotcom said...

Josh, you realize your trainer tells every one of his clients that they have a right like a sledgehammer? Because all of his clients are fat Hollywood pussies with too much money who started writing because they had a superhero complex that stemmed from being nerds when they were kids, just like you.

And who are we kidding? You don't train consistently three times a week. If you did, you'd be in GREAT shape. And I'm betting that your mirror and that security cam says different. Just a guess.

And when your trainer leaves you, he goes and trains David Mamet, who's a "lifelong Martial Arts enthusiast," meaning he's also a massive pussy who wouldn't last 2 seconds in a real fight but is surrounded by yes men who tell him how much they respect his commitment to the study of this ancient art and how great "Redbelt" was.

In fact, your trainer has a pretty damn good client list going, good for him. Coming to Hollywood was a fantastic career decision for this guy, 'cause you can't fight forever so might as well make some money without getting your head bashed in from guys who envy you for having the guts to get your head bashed in.

With all that said, don't take this to be a negative. It's actually a huge validation of your true talent. Because this was a great blog post. Going on this evidence...you, sir? Are a great writer, so all of the above doesn't matter. In closing...

Finish him!

7/23/2010 11:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That ..was fucking awesome, not to make light of your situation with everything that happened but that just made me feel tons better.

Yeah, I need Your Big Fucking Hit TV Show to get rolling, if its going to be anything like that - complete with Network Notes!!

excellent post, hey..should you run into the skater again - Deck his ass on "GP". Pleeease.

7/23/2010 11:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First off, this wsa GREAT! Of course i have zero writing skills so my opinion isn't really worth anything in that regard. I just really liked the piece. It sort of reminded me of "Richie Brockelman: Private Eye".

When are you pitching this?

7/23/2010 1:09 PM  
Blogger Alan Adamson said...

Now in the third episode of TSCC. Just awesome! Thanks, Josh.

7/23/2010 4:02 PM  
Blogger Ernst Stavro Blofeld said...

Link to hooker's facebook account?

7/23/2010 5:22 PM  
Anonymous CurlyKirsty said...

Your wife is a saint, she answers the phone to find a woman asking for money claiming to be in your office. You thoughtfully held up the envelope with hooker written on it as an explanation. At this point I have tears streaming down my face and have woken the household up with my raucous laughter.

Truth is definately stranger than fiction in this case. This is a fantastic story.

7/24/2010 12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn it, Josh. Get out there and get a job. TV needs you. You should write a series about time travel, cyborgs, mortality, and the apocalypse. That would be swell.

We were all left hanging. You were left hanging. It's like when you find who you think is your life partner and all of a sudden they break it off and don't tell you why. Hard to move on when everyone is still alive, healthy, and wishes they could revive it.

Faith.

7/24/2010 8:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

very creative. You should try writing for a living.

7/24/2010 11:44 AM  
Anonymous starkiller99 said...

OMFG, you really need to post more often. I wondered if you were dead. So, did you friend the hooker on FB?

Also this:
Anonymous said...
"This post seems to be missing the part where the Sarah Connor Chronicles comes back. Excellent post nonetheless."

And thanks to Shirley Manson for pointing out this post on Facebook because Bloglines lost my whole fucking account and I have to start over from scratch.

7/24/2010 2:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seriously great story, but way too fucking long.

7/24/2010 2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tl;dr

7/24/2010 2:53 PM  
Blogger vgtz said...

Great story! I almost would have believed it had the hooker not given her name and number, and both responding officers been female. Oh, and your wife had to have been more dubious. But still, great...

7/24/2010 7:29 PM  
Blogger gribbly said...

Funny stuff

7/24/2010 11:08 PM  
Blogger tokyoterri said...

brilliant - I'm still waiting for the rest - and I don't even like tv!

7/25/2010 3:36 AM  
Anonymous Daniel M. Laenker said...

This actually should have been an SCC episode, tho possibly with more Simon Baker in it, and Summer Glau beating someone up like a schizoid china doll.

Which, of course, would never fly on Fox.

7/25/2010 9:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great essay! Except the part where you include ANGIE FUCKING HARMON on a list of "legitimate cleanup hitters."

Well, I guess she could play the hooker.

7/26/2010 11:36 AM  
Blogger Matthew Lane said...

fan-fucking-tastic.

7/27/2010 3:48 AM  
Blogger James said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

7/27/2010 10:48 AM  
Blogger James said...

This should be pitched as Seinfeld Meets Monk. The Procedural About Nothing.

If this pitch works, I want a cameo.

7/27/2010 10:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That? Is one of the most entertaining things I have ever read in my entire fucking life.

And I'm pretty old, and I read a lot (I even have a Kindle).

7/27/2010 12:42 PM  
Blogger Mr Yogi said...

This was awesome. Loved the Network Notes angle and the iPhone 4 mentions.

I could not stop reading once I started... You have a gift.. nurture it.

--Anubhav

7/27/2010 11:39 PM  
Blogger watch-online said...

what is this really true!!! a new episode of true blood will be published again, wow this is great!! i like to watch true blood season 3 episode 7 online. i love this tv series i should watch it. so dont miss it guys or else you will miss one half of your live..

7/28/2010 1:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fantastic story, but it only works with the fantasy network pitch meeting included, which is what gives the attitude and what excuses for all of the 'non-heroic' turns we're so used to.
That you thought of punching the man: Proof of the way filmed fiction warps the mind of U.S. citizens. But you made a rational, smart decision, and correct, given the police reaction.
Envious of your Larchmont office. I must do with Peet's. And it is safe, I sometimes walk there at 5am to write, no problem.
Wish I knew you, I could then offer myself to office-sit for the night, have a quiet place to write.
Do develop it, but it's a cable show. Most probably HBO, if not, you could add a little more wackness, and then possibly it's an FX show.
But it's definitely a new world. Don't waste it.

7/28/2010 12:23 PM  
Blogger MiloTheGreat said...

I remember Rhino, I used to work with he's brother, he also was massive.

7/28/2010 10:39 PM  
Anonymous Czar Richard said...

Waiting for a Josh blog post is like waiting for the next Twilight movie. Both take about 11 months, and feature mysterious dudes.

7/30/2010 11:56 AM  
Anonymous Innari said...

Josh,

I love you and your posts are always hysterically funny.

TSCC!!

7/30/2010 12:11 PM  
Blogger jaacen said...

Release the sledgehammer.

7/30/2010 10:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

have you seen the last ep of The Unusuals?
...the one where the cops track down the guy who breaks into people's homes and films porno movies?
...but before they can find him they need to find other home-owner victims, which they do by watching his other porno tapes and recognising geographical locations outside the windows and then logging onto Google-maps and then locating these victims precisely, and then speaking to these victims and working out what the connection betwen them all was, and setting a trap.
- no-one at the Network ever noted "this is completely unplausible". Surely they should have ran the faces of the porno actresses thru the 'puter and cross referenced with IMDB? woulda only taken a few minutes and coulda provided an opportunity for cops to visit girls on set AS A PORNO WAS FILMED IN THE BACKGROUND. But no, they didn't do that...
oh... have I rambled too much?

8/01/2010 5:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great story, but...

Angie Harmon, a "Serious Asswhipping Actor in the lead"?

As for "almost never get picked up to series" without said persona, I'll note that she didn't join the cast until season NINE.

(To put that in perspective: you could do the entire run of The Sopranos, and still have to wait a couple years until you needed to put Angie on.)

8/02/2010 10:35 AM  
Anonymous hertanktop said...

What…, you have an office? I thought you were sitting in a certain Burbank coffee shop, hacking on your 20-kilo Windows-98 laptop and asking that nice barista if you could give her private cell number (she has an iPhone 4) to the producer guy, so that he can reach you at work? And the wife would send the 6-year old to bring you lunch because the food in that establishment was so damn overpriced…? Now I'm not sure anymore if I should frequent my coffee shop so often and spend my bucks on cups of coffee.
But aside from this obvious character failure of yours, thank you for this ingeniously told story out of life, although, a lot of capital-F-fans would appreciate more of that $3.5m-per-episode story of Death.
♫ ta ta taa tada — ta ta taa tada ♫

8/05/2010 7:40 AM  
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10/24/2010 3:06 AM  
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5/12/2013 6:13 AM  
Blogger Stan Dex said...

Hello Josh!
I'm a young writer from Russia. I'd like very much to show you my story "Flash in Metal" that has been made after viewing "Terminator: Sara Connor Chronicles" about 3 years ago. It's important for me to show it you as series writer, I devote it to all film creators - to you, to director and to Summer Glau because this story is about Cameron directly; I just would like that you read it. I sent it to Summer too 2 years ago but didn't receive an answer so I just don't know my letter has been delivered to the address or not. And I don't know how to contact with series director, David Nutter. How can I contact you?

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