Wednesday, February 08, 2006

THE POOP IS BANANAS

So my wife recently introduced biodegradable dog poop bags to our household and I can't say it doesn't vex me just a little bit. First, it's called "The Business Bag," and while I understand where the name comes from I can't say I like it. I've always taught the dog that pooping falls under the rubric of "play" and not "work"--so this whole "business" thing seems to be sending the wrong message. I'd secretly been hoping that the dog was going to take the lead in potty-training my son, but if she's going to take all the fun out of it for him I may have to do it myself.

Secondly, and correct me if I'm wrong because my personal expertise is in differentiating mouse shit from rat shit, it's my understanding that dog poop is, by its very nature, biodegradable. I'm sort of vamping here, but after spending six hours this morning on GoogleEarth I was unable to find a single mountain over 1000 feet high made completely of petrified dog crap.

So nature intended dog poop to sit out on the lawn unattended. But man would have none of it. Fair enough. It's our job to fuck with the natural order of things until the world cooks like one big poached egg. I've stepped in enough dog poop (real and metaphorical) to appreciate the need for some sort of poop isolation system. So here's where we're at now: the biodegradable chihuahua poops out her biodegradable poop and I'm supposed to pick it up with the biodegradable bag. I guess I'm willing to accept the chain of command up to this point--but here's my question:

Shouldn't it be perfectly acceptable for me to LEAVE THE BAG ON THE LAWN? Wouldn't that most closely approximate what nature intended while also giving my neighbor what he fairly has come to expect--namely, not to track my dog's poop onto the floormats of his Lexus 470? Granted, the bag probably won't dissolve in his lifetime, but that's a bit selfish and shortsighted, isn't it? Surely harboring a few hundred biodegradable "Business Bags" on your lawn for a few years is preferable to the intellectual dishonesty required to throw a biodegradable material containing another biodegradable material into a non-biodegradable plastic trash can until it's picked up by an enormous garbage truck burning our last drips of fossil fuel in order to dump it on someone else's (only sometimes metaphorical) lawn.

And yet that is exactly what I'm required to do. And frankly, little pisses me off more than when I'm required to overcomplicate an idea which, in its original form, is almost perfect. Of course, the reverse is equally upsetting. Namely, to be required to simplify and perfect an idea, which, in its original and best form, is both complicated and imperfect.

Which is why Hollywood is the greatest purveyor and consumer of biodegradable poop bags in the civilized world. No other community is so determined to take a good idea, be it simple or complex, wrap it in earnest intentions and, in doing so, completely suffocate whatever was special and strange about that idea in the first place.

Hollywood is truly terrified of its own poop and they have created an entire class of people (the development executive) who function as biodegradable poop bags. Now obviously in this metaphor the screenwriter and/or his script is the poop. And I'm okay with that. The monkey is a dirty animal, nothing like a cat or even my very anal-retentive dog. So I embrace the very poopiness of what I do and who I am. I didn't make myself this thing. I was just a writer looking for a way to do what I love to do and not starve doing it.

I didn't grow up loving movies, I grew up loving books. I didn't grow up making little 8mm films starring my brother and the local apple dumpling gang in my neighborhood. I grew up writing stories and practicing my alphabet and handing out self-published pamphlets to my babysitters so they could get to know me better. I got a video camera in high school and my friend and I tried making claymation shorts. You wanna know what? They sucked.

So I've always felt screenwriters should be writers first and screenwriters second. It's an important distinction because writers respect their own voices and speak them for a purpose. Writers think words are important, not simply as ideas, or expositional tools, but as powerful totems to be carefully protected and shared.

Most screenwriters, on the other hand, especially screenwriters who never really wrote until they were screenwriters, use words as tools to service the film story they (and others) are trying to tell. And it's the "and others" part which is problematic. Because the script development process strips the writer of his specialness--the power structure requires him to accept the premise that anybody is qualified to have a good idea. Some think this creates an atmosphere which reinforces the (bad) idea that "anyone can be a writer." Nothing can be further from the truth. Instead, it creates a (worse) dynamic where NOBODY is a writer. Not the development executive. Not the producer. And once he's ceded his artistic authority, not the writer.

And here's why it really matters:

Last year I wrote and sold a spec screenplay called "Orphan's Dawn" to Fox. It was the first spec feature I had sold since "Dead Drop" (aka The Keanu Reeves MegaHit Chain Reaction). For those of you who read this blog regularly you'll recall the joy I had selling "Dead Drop" while simultaneously being dumped by a completely insane actress. Ten years later, having pretty much recovered from that excess amount of joy, I wrote another one. The script is a very dense and complicated science fiction story set in a very dense and complicated non-Earth future world. I like to believe that it is a very detailed and well-realized vision of a very particular future. Nothing was left to the imagination. It was also the first in a trilogy.

I sent the script out and it was met with resounding...curiosity. Unlike ten years ago when I sold the script in six hours, the spec market had changed significantly and studios are much more circumspect about spending high six figures for material which doesn't end in the word "Hazzard."

So I took meetings. And conference calls. And more meetings. I talked about the other two movies. And whether or not there were aliens. And what they might look like. People were earnestly interested in my "vision" for the film. I was encouraged.

But then I had this conversation. AND THEN I HAD IT MORE THAN ONCE.

STUDIO EXECUTIVE: So. Josh. Really interesting script.
ME: Thanks.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Very detailed and well-realized vision of a very particular future. Nothing is left to the imagination.
ME: Thanks.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: So what's the source material?
ME: Huh?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: What's it based on? Is it a book? A comic book? Who wrote it?
ME: Who WROTE it?
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Yeah. Who's the author?
ME: I am.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: You wrote what? A novel?
ME: I WROTE THE SCREENPLAY. THAT'S ALL THERE IS.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Really? Wow. Because it feels like it's based on something.
ME: It's not.
STUDIO EXECUTIVE: Huh. Strange. And what did you say the aliens looked like again?

Not one conversation like this. Not two. At least three. Sure, I guess I could feel good that people thought the world was so detailed and imaginative that I COULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN IT MYSELF. But the reality was that three different studio executives could not imagine I COULD ACTUALLY WRITE.

Which probably says less about who they are and more about what I've allowed myself to become.

Disposable.

57 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So was it a foreign film? Can we see the original?

2/08/2006 4:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No need to worry about being disposable, Josh. Everybody is.

2/08/2006 5:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't get it. Aren't you the guy who wrote War Of The Worlds? Dialogue for Cruise, directed by Spielberg? Why in God's name is it a surprise that you could've written this? I mean if you were a migrant worker who barely spoke English, "me write, to show you this" then okay I get it, but you're an A lister. Also, can I crash at your place for a few days. Just out of rehab.

2/08/2006 7:40 PM  
Blogger anthony vieira said...

i don't know, man. maybe it's shitty of me, but i find your lack of faith disturbing.

2/08/2006 7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I cannot agree with your stance more. Development executives are creatively constipated and will most likely never poop on their own, so feel it necessary to take ownership of the poop of others in order to feel relevant. Most will agree it's very difficult to make a nice poop when others are around. With that in mind, development meetings feel like a stall in Dodgers Stadium during the 7th inning stretch.
There has to be a better way. Maybe I should start bringing prunes to future meetings.

2/08/2006 8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Classic, just classic, and let's not forget the immortal line from American Grafitti - "He who smelt it, dealt it" -
Good to have you back, Friedman!

2/08/2006 8:33 PM  
Blogger Godsbane said...

I thought that screenplays were the raw ingredients. They get cooked up by the directors, the producers...

A good script doesn't turn into shit until it's served up in a big steaming pile for the movie going audience.

2/08/2006 8:49 PM  
Blogger Alex Epstein said...

In fairness, I know where the comment's coming from. There's a certain feel an adaptation has, that there's a lot more story / characters / background that wasn't included in the pages. Usually it's a bad thing: it means that big chunks of the screenplay aren't serving the screen story, they're serving the source material. Usually an original screenplay has fewer loose ends. You've created something denser than normal. I wouldn't be insulted to be asked if you've written a novel. It just means that those readers want to know more. You've created a need in them to know more about your world and your characters. Excellent.

I hope your director doesn't screw it up.

2/08/2006 9:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chain Reaction must have been what started this whole remake trend.

2/08/2006 10:20 PM  
Blogger Julie Goes to Hollywood said...

Where do you get these poop bags? Lately I've been using paper towels, which I find superior to the plastic bags from Ralph's for their wiping capability. I don't have a lawn, you see, just a courtyard I share with five people who look at me and my wiener dogs like we just crawled out from under one of the bungalows. You guessed it, I am the only screenwriter here. The rest of them are assistants at Warner Brothers, in training as tomorrow's constipated execs.

2/08/2006 10:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MAN. It's everywhere. I was told at a pitch meeting we should try to sell my original idea...as a remake.

That'll be a nice trick if we can pull it off. And, was just asked if another idea I'm kicking around w/a producer was based on other material...

...I think the comment is less indicative of any quality of the work (though I'm sure it's very thorough and complete), than the fear of exex to make original material any more.

chris

2/08/2006 11:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe the original script Oscar should come with a monetary bonus to the development exec who stuck his neck out? Not that I want to encourage kindness towards them or anything...

2/09/2006 12:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is frightening as fuck and ran my blood cold. when will this change? how can we change it? what aren't we doing to change it?

2/09/2006 4:15 AM  
Blogger Simon Underwood said...

Have we come so far that everything now has to based on something? Scary. Can we make up a novelist's name on the spot, get ourselves set up under that name and receive royalties for them from the studio?

Nice title, BTW. In fact, I hate you, cause that's a bloody good title for any movie and I'm stuck without one for the script I'm writing for a British prod company competition right now, and there are no orphans in that. OR MAYBE THERE ARE NOW!!! Ha!

Seriously, another good post. Carry on getting better.

2/09/2006 5:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Come on, Josh, at least let everyone know how the story ends...

2/09/2006 6:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh God how I've missed you..glad you are back in the swing of things.
Hey, are you by any chance working on a book?
Now THAT would be something I would love to see (I mean, read?)---then later you can turn it into a screenplay, which the execs will be happy to 'remake.' Kill two birds.....with one biodegradable "business" bag full of shit.

it's actually fascinating to me, because, as we all know most of america doesn't read, but these execs are baseing movies on best sellers. So, in a way the 'nerds' like us who love to read and good writers who love words ARE influencing the culture somewhat...only problem is they always water the original down to something that is nowhere near as engaging as the original or as good as your own imagination......
Really, please write a book, this intermittent blog thing is killing me. I miss you too much.
Glad you are feeling better and don't let the shit bags get you down.....

2/09/2006 7:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A writer is a writer, no matter if he writes screenplays or books. However a good writer that intends to wander through these different fields must bear in mind the great differences between book and screenwriting. And it’s funny, because it is bad literature if you write a book like a movie, even though this may help you to manage your way up to the bestsellers lists – i.e. “The Da Vinci Code” and “Harry Potter”. But when it comes to screenwriting, if it looks like a book, the chances are that it will probably never get produced... Anyway, I agree with the comments above, and nowadays everything is about franchises. You start with a novel, a game, a comic book and you end up at the movies. You start with the movies and you end up with games, books, comics... Have you ever considered the possibility of writing a book?

2/09/2006 8:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There seems to be a unspoken correlation between suits and doggy bags. Perhaps part of a symbiotic environment.

But do the bags come in luminescent colours? I am trying to image the lawn littered with small bags. It would be exciting to imagine them in day-glo green rather than eco-brown.

They would be magnificent in Notting Hill. For some strange reason dogs have become a la mode here. Most annoying of all is to find oneself traipsing around the place and having to watch ones step for land mines. It comes second only to seeing small plastic bags propped up against trees. You really ask yourself what is going on in these people's minds. There they are clearing up after their precious pooches but then leaving the remnants in a most probably non-biodergadable bag.

It's all the more surprising since one of the trendy shops decided to leave a bowl of water out for the fashion thirsty pet owner's darlings while they go inside and browse the collection of suits while two shops down the road an organic food shop is trying to promote a bit more of a sound consciousness.

2/09/2006 8:34 AM  
Blogger William said...

You just sum it all up so perfectly. It's like Best Week Ever for the movie biz.

2/09/2006 10:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, is a Zegna two-button biodegradable?

2/09/2006 11:39 AM  
Blogger Roger Alford said...

...while also giving my neighbor what he fairly has come to expect--namely, not to track my dog's poop onto the floormats of his Lexus 470?

Wait, isn't John August your neighbor? Or is this your neighbor on the other side?

2/09/2006 11:51 AM  
Blogger Julie O'Hora said...

No, not disposable.

Biodegradable.

Just like Chihuahuas and their poop.

2/09/2006 11:58 AM  
Blogger Robert Green said...

josh josh josh

as a former recovering development exec, i resent being compared to bio-degradable dogshit bags. i mean, biodegradable? you bastard. my mark on the world (um, notes on the 17th draft of Hollow Man?) will be visible from space 10,000 years from now, at least. and i'm proud of it.

2/09/2006 12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad you're back, Josh!

I don't know if this'll be helpful but perhaps...

I've observed in our present society that people are conditioned to be given something "new" in the context of something greater.

Instead of writing a book, you might just need to talk about your inspiration for the aliens.

When I first saw Miyazaki's "Spirited Away," I was slightly confused when Chi Baba sees the bicycle in the side of the river spirit and that is how she knows its a river spirit. I didn't fully appreciate that scene until I learned the Miyazaki's inspiration for that came from when he had participated in cleaning out a river filled with trash and the bicycle and other crud that came out of the river spirit in the movie were the things he had found in his real life experience.

Another example. If you remember when POTC came out, a number of critics were quite outspoken that they didn't understand Johnny Depp's character and thought his performance was substandard and/or bizarre. They weren't sure if he was supposed to be gay or drunk and they sure didn't like his scarf with the beads hanging off it.

Fast forward to when it came out that Johnny Depp had modelled Capt. Sparrow after Keith Richards and why he had made that choice. That was all it took for people to completely alter their opinion of Johnny Depp's performance from badly bizarre to brilliant.

All it took was a bit of context.
(or perhaps you'll just have to write a book afterall :)

2/09/2006 7:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh I see....the one that is hardest on the monkey...is the monkey...

2/09/2006 7:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, have you posted this elsewhere in the past? Particularly the part about the development executives not believing that your script was not adapted?

I thought I had read this somewhere else some time ago and just want to ensure I am not insane, or going insane. Thanks

2/09/2006 9:50 PM  
Blogger Hawise said...

Welcome back monkey.
I hate to say it but everything old is new again. When I was studying Chaucer, I was told that he had to reference everything back to some dead Greek or Roman or else he wouldn't have had any credibility. "Yeah, some old monk let me read the lost works of Aristotle just before his library burned down and that's where I got the idea for that scene. Yeah, that's the ticket." So you may need to pad a bit to sell a perfectly good script to a seriously reality-disabled exec.
Or get an ghost writer to make the script into a book published under your name. If they still have problems with you as sole author, then leak the fact about the ghost writer and reap enough stunned outrage to get the book on the NYT best seller list and a signed four movie deal with director approval.
BTW- I like the idea of day-glo biodegradable poop bags, it should make the dog parks visible from space.

2/10/2006 5:24 AM  
Blogger david golbitz said...

Maybe you should cut a deal and turn it into a comic book before making the movie, like what Thomas Jane is doing with Bad Planet?

2/10/2006 7:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ahhhh. a monkey complex at the monkey complex.

2/10/2006 7:54 AM  
Blogger ellen said...

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post. You write the kind of stuff that makes me say, "I wish I'd written that."

2/10/2006 10:11 AM  
Blogger SteveTP said...

Sounds like a cool script... can i read it?

I want to know what happened to the experimental sci-fi, stuff like THX-1138 or Blade Runner. Freaking engaging films that really tried something new (hell, even Lynch's Dune could quailify for the most part - mess or not). Not to knock on War of the Worlds (I'm probably the only guy on the web who put it in his top 10 of '05) but sci-fi has become stagnant. Chronicles of Riddick was a breath of fresh air, and I had high hopes for teh Island - but both films were so dramatically flawed by poor narrative choices. Ugh. Guess i'll have to make do with stuff like Doom! Or switch on the ole idiot-box and watch Battlestar some more...

2/10/2006 3:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But poop is also used to give nutrients to the food we eat.

So I'd say the development exec is closer to a giant plastic container, made of fossil fuels, protecting the earth of the poop I need to eat.

Wow, that last sentence went horribly wrong. Sorry.

2/11/2006 7:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So how many babysitters did you do through?
Glad you're back. Stop by sometime.

2/12/2006 6:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For fuck's sake Josh, you're killing me.

You ARE what I aspire to. A screenwriter who works for hire AND sells specs, and you have a pretty good attitude about it all.

You’re more successful than 99.9 (repeating)% of screenwriters (including most of the scriboblogosphere).

From over here (trapped as a writer/director in the video game industry) you’re living the dream. Even the Broken Clock experience ended (relatively) successfully.

It's obvious you’re not disposable…except to bucket-headed, canvas-humping, non-creative wastes of DNA. And if you think their attitude regarding the disposability of writers sucks where you are…come on over to Interactive hell for a “AAA” title or two.

Sure that conversation would distress the hell outta me, but, well…

I dunno…It could be worse…?

2/12/2006 8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's a thought...

Tell the execs that it's based on an (as yet) unpublished novel.

2/14/2006 6:14 AM  
Blogger Grants Specialist said...

I read your post pretty quickly and glossed the title of your script as "Oprah's Dawn," and I kept wondering as I read how you sold that motherfucker with such a crap title, and how exactly it was science fiction.

2/17/2006 1:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, You are taking it personally when it is solely a case of the development exec covering his/her backside. This is the first spec script you have written in years? I bet that you are experiencing the wave of the future. To avoid a copyright or credits problem, I bet every original script gets (or will get) this question. Otherwise, the studio gets a bad surprise after they have already begun production on a blockbuster (starring Tom, directed by Steven) when a fairly unknown writer comes out of nohere with proof that he was the original writer.

2/20/2006 6:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, I love you, but...

GET A BLOODY COMPOST HEAP ALREADY!

Biodegradable doggie... bio-poo... bio-bag... big pile of biodegrading mush!

It's as easy as that. You can even get compost bins now - put biodegradable stuff in the top... a few weeks later a nice brown mixture can be scooped out the bottom - it's called soil, and is good on your garden.

2/20/2006 12:06 PM  
Blogger Marsha Loftis said...

Good gosh that was long.

2/21/2006 8:54 AM  
Blogger Myles said...

I don't know man. I took a poop the other day after starting on this new multivitamin and it was rock hard... I flushed a couple times and it just kinda bounced around off the porcelain. Literally made a clicking sound as it hit the sides. The plunger eventually did the trick. The point is, I think dog food has a lot of vitamins in it. I mean they eat the same shit every day over and over... it's got to have vitamins right? I should be sleeping.

2/23/2006 12:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The claymation sucked but the Mojo Nixon soundtrack rocked!

2/24/2006 8:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you had written "Can't Hardly Wait," I'd be much more inclined to buy the Chihuahua poop analogy.

Oh, and "completely insane actress" is redundant.

2/26/2006 9:58 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

Seems to me the exec in question might have been hoping it was adapted. If you're considering dumping an huge amount of money into a complex sci/fi story, it'd certainly help things if there was a built-in audience for the thing. Lord of the Rings would never have seen the light of day if it was an original spec.

3/05/2006 11:14 AM  
Blogger Texaco said...

hardly disposable. at least not in the sense you mean, biodegradable sure - we're all carbon, right? there are mortuaries that will take the cremated remains of "your loved one" and, with the application of tremendous pressure produce a diamond. i'm comforted knowing that in the end, i'm a gem. and so are you.

writers have the least glamorous job in the 213 (except maybe for my old gig standing-in on Knots Landing - oy) so naturally folks that "oh! shiney!" don't recognize how important they are. you guys, when you do your best work, tell us who we are - and who we can be. billy wilder understood that and actually got away with making movies that held the mirror up to the tinsle and said "look how dirty you've become."

it's a dirty town - there are shit bags everywhere and you're going to get dirty but you know what? none of that is you. at the end of the day you wash your Self off and all I see is a gem.

3/24/2006 7:14 PM  
Blogger Texaco said...

oh, and why not chuck the shitbags down the storm drain? everybody is happy

3/24/2006 7:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5/06/2006 12:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dense and complete if you say so yourself.

The new screenwriting talent knows life is an illusion.

11/06/2006 2:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good site!!

2/01/2007 6:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of you screewriters option Sam Moffie's book SWAP and turn it into a movie. Need not worry about sequels with this.

2/08/2007 6:32 AM  
Blogger ...... said...

execs are into art for business. there is enouph reflection of dysfunctional society in movies to keep me watching, for now. i all i know ...'is that i fucked this big titied dakota cunt named kay lake, and now im stuck in a movie. keep up the good work josh!

3/22/2007 11:24 AM  
Blogger Tommy Atkins said...

As I was walking he dog a few weeks ago, I stepped forward in the park and heard a loud detonation. At first I wondered what it was and then when I looked down I realised. Someone had picked up their dogs poo in a plastic bag and tied a knot in it and then just left it on the grass. I thad exploded under my footfall and dog shit was scattered far and wide across the park. The remains of the bag were still stuck in the tread of my right boot. It was this dog poop blog that brought it to mind.

I landed on the website after typing 'FedEx are shite' in Google!

Andy

2/12/2008 12:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting. After much analysis of your intended bio-degrading, I congratulate you on achieving what appears to be a methodology that is close to nature. However, although I fear this might rain on your parade, if you attempt said method, the original poop-pile will be quickly augmented by others, perhaps of larger breed origins, and therefore less degradeable, this being a function of the territory mapping of those of canine ilk.
However, I have the answer to this problem. You leave the mini-poop as per your current intentions, but surround it with splashes of vinegar. This will successfully (it is proven!) detract from other canine defecations, as the vinegar has the opposite effect of the poop, in that it might even cause nasal damage. I used this method in 1970 to insulate my open-plan garden in the town of Bletchley, UK, after being beseiged by doggy-doodoo, the final straw being an 'entry' made upon the front doorstep. The vinegar in this case was the left-overs from a jar of pickled gherkins, but this might not be mandatory. Good luck! John

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