Friday, October 14, 2005

HAPPY DAY OF ATONEMENT!

Many of you seem disturbed that I wear sweatpants.

And to that I would quote the great Andrew Marlowe and say this:

Get off my fucking blog.

The fact is, other than free sushi and a seven figure income, dressing like a sweaty fat Russian mobster is the single best part of being a multi-platinum-selling Hollywood screenwriter such as myself. That swish-swish sound your thighs make as you walk down the studio halls, the feeling of the polyester sliding on the black leather as you recline in the inevitable Eames chair and pop the top on your Diet Coke...

My God I'm getting Russian just thinking about it.

Because understand this: what you wear and how you look when you go to a meeting is of the utmost importance. Every interaction between a writer and an executive is a carefully orchestrated mating dance between power and creativity. It is Noh theater where every mask has been carved into a smile capable of four minutes of small talk about the newest Jon Krakauer book that the mask hasn't even read.

And by the way, when I say "power and creativity" let's be perfectly clear. They've got the power. And you sure as shit better have the creativity. If for some reason you're not feeling the creative vibe, you better at least look it.

That's where the sweatpants come in.

Because you have to FLAUNT your writer lifestyle, people. Work it on the motherfucking catwalk like Miss J for Chrissakes.

A friend of mine is a very successful writer and generally obeys the successful writer lifestyle doctrine. He's a white Jewish male in his early thirties, shaves about once a month, sleeps with pretty goyim he isn't qualified to sleep with, and drives a big black car with illegally tinted windows.

But every time I see the dude he's wearing a coat and tie. Seriously. Full-metal jacket and matching windsor. Here was my conversation with him the other day.

ME: Dude. Did you go to a meeting dressed like that?
HIM: Yeah, of course.
ME: What do people SAY to you in that get-up?
HIM: They ask me if I'd just come from synagogue.

This is not a good message to send, people. Not good, at all. Your meeting outfit should NEVER remind someone behind the desk that you are a member of the Worldwide Zionist Media Conspiracy.

PEOPLE: But Josh...We know Hollywood is run by the Zionists. Isn't there a good chance that executive is a member of the Worldwide Zionist Media Conspiracy, as well? Won't that improve your friend's chance of getting hired? Reminding the exec through his dress of their co-conspirer-ness...ish...dom?

ME: Do you honestly think we've kept the conspiracy going for this long by doing shit that OBVIOUS? My God. That executive is practically OBLIGATED to NOT give my friend the job just to throw everybody else off the scent! For the love of Theodor Herzl, people...Get with the fucking pogrom.

But we've strayed just an inch or two from what my larger point is: Ties, suits, pressed pants, collared shirts, these are not monkey clothes.

These are zookeeper clothes.

And friends, if you want to be a motherfucking infinite simian, you cannot also be a zookeeper. Sure, being a zookeeper can be cool. You've got the keys swinging off that fucking ring, you're the big man at the Snack Shack, you know what time the dolphins are jumping...you've got your own parking space at Paramount and aren't forced to park in that fucking overflow lot across the street on days when MI-3 has camped out ON ALL THE GODDAMN VISITOR SPACES...

But here at Josh Planet we are all about monkeys. Throwing our shit, howling at the top of our lungs while we hang our red ass out of the cage and masturbating in front of the tour group.

You cannot do that if you're a zookeeper. Things like that are frowned upon. That is the trade-off zookeepers make. Parking spaces, keys, two-year contracts with huge golden parachute production deals at the end...

But they cannot wear sweatpants to a meeting.

No way, no how.

In fact, I DARE one of them, just one, to show up to a meeting wearing sweatpants. I'll even buy a sushi lunch for the first one who does so. (And it can't be one of those three-hundred dollar Juicy outfits. It's gotta be an honest to goodness Straight Outta Foot Locker special.)

But it won't happen. I heard of an executive who tried to go tracksuit casual once--his assistant shot him with a tranq gun and the guy woke up naked in a dressing room at the Zegna store with his platinum card and his Blackberry duct-taped to his torso.

Because even though we're all on the team, we've still gotta pick sides.

And here's the corollary to the monkey/zookeeper theory: the bigger the zookeeper, the more you gotta re-affirm your monkeyness. And it's not easy believe you me...The first meeting you have with that director, the first president of production pitch, it's easy to lose your nerve and throw on that shirt you usually save for a first date.

You may as well lie down and give them your throat. It's the law of the jungle--show weakness, let them know you know they've got all the power and you're only there by their grace...they will eat you like a fucking impala.

Me, if I'm meeting with someone over the v.p. level I do two things differently: first, I strap on my expensive watch. Second, I don't wear any socks.

I find these two elements combine to make me practically invincible.

Now you should know I've got a bit of a sock hang-up to begin with...I have a hard time finding a pair that a) don't strangle my ankles or b) don't bunch up around my little toe and make me feel like I'm a drug mule with heroin packed in my shoes.

So I'm looking for just about any excuse I can to ditch the sock. It's rare, though, that I can send a MESSAGE. And the message here is this:

I, being of sound mind and Infinite Monkey body, am so ridiculously confident in my ability to absolutely write the fuck out of this project, am so thoroughly convinced that in the Writer's My So Called Life I am Jordan Catalano, that I have absolutely no problem and would never think twice about rolling out of my bed and coming right here to your insanely organized and important office three times the size of my house wearing WHATEVER THE HELL I WAS SLEEPING IN HALF AN HOUR EARLIER.

As to the expensive watch...well, a girl does love her bling.

So there's a place for everyone and everyone in their place. Sure, there's some crossover hits...Occasionally a zookeeper trades in the keys for the cage, and occasionally the monkey stops peeing in the straw, pulls a Koko and learns ASL.

(I've never really understood writers who became executives...Sort of like Jews for Jesus...which, by the way, I like to call CHRISTIANS.)

Frankly, the most impressive monkeys in the Hollywood Zoo aren't even monkeys at all.

They're actors.

Actors stand out by dressing down like nobody's business. In fact, if you walked through Beverly Hills in the middle of the day, the only people NOT dressed like actors are actors.

That's how they let you know they're actors.

The difference between the way an actor dresses down and the way a writer dresses down is the actor is very often also dirty.

Unshowered, clothes stained and unwashed...A typical Hollywood actor is so ridiculously good looking and charismatic that the only way to truly stand out by dressing down is to work it like motherfucking Pig Pen after a day of turning ten dollar tricks at a Grapevine truckstop.

Don't do this if you're a writer. You cannot pull this off. Sweatsuit casual is just that--casual--not sweaty.

Your message should be: "I'm so good and write with such grace that I remind you of a nice summery Saturday evening with that special someone you love..."

Not: "I haven't had this kind of flop smell since I lost my virginity with just enough time left to catch the bus."

But that's just me.

Shalom, fuckers.

97 Comments:

Blogger DB said...

I knew it! Now, if I can just infiltrate the conspiracy and expose it from the inside...There's gotta be a movie in that.

10/14/2005 7:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hah!

"Jews For Jesus - I call them Christians"

Ow! Man, pounding my keyboard, I'm laughing so hard.

I'm not a sweatpants guy outside the home (to difficult to hide the accidental erection that makes itself known when the girl behind the coffee counter, who looks like Lisa Loeb, smiles and blows on your latte' to cool it for you before handing it over) but I do do biker chic pretty damn well - torn jeans and t-shirt, engineer boots - I used to wear a feed cap (cause I am from Iowa) but then too many pretty actors started doing it and I had to go topless as a result. On my head, anyway.

10/14/2005 8:06 PM  
Blogger Julie Goes to Hollywood said...

I'm not sure whether your sartorial dogma applies to girl writers, or ones with big asses, on whom sweatpants look, well, apologetic. I propose a unisexual muu-muu like Jeff Bridges wears in "A Door In The Floor." We'd all look like a cross between Shelley Winters and Idi Amin--insanely well-fed, suspiciously unstable, practicing Jews for Jesus.

10/14/2005 9:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok look asshole...I'm addicted to your blog. Seriously, this shit is funny/insightful/whatever. But when you don't blog for like what--10 days, I go through withdrawls. So keep your damn stories coming or just delete your site. Honestly man, you're messing with my mind.

10/14/2005 9:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You sooo fucking ARE Jordan Catalano!

10/15/2005 3:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found your blog today. I must say that you are hilarious! Thanks for the laughs! I look forward to reading more!

10/15/2005 7:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

five minutes. that's how long it takes me to read your blog. five minutes of pleasure after waiting over a week. I would ask that you blog more often, but you're fully aware of all of your anxiously awaiting fans out there and probably derive some sick pleasure out of making us wait.
This one was brilliant, as usual.
Just curious...why do some comments get deleted??

10/15/2005 7:21 AM  
Blogger Sass said...

um.. okay..

10/15/2005 8:00 AM  
Blogger Mrs Mopro said...

now the words have already been written... I always had a dudesque picture in mind during the last two posts... i was accidentally watching the big lebowski again before reading the "fear of a josh planet" post...so maybe that was influencing me. however the addiction to your writing, many others around here mentioned, is undeniable! but the thousand times you check this site just to see no changes are worth it. make your product rare and it's value will increase... btw: great language skills...with these german words you really quite shocked me (positively)...

10/15/2005 8:10 AM  
Blogger Unsigned said...

Ok, I'm sorry I made fun of the sweat pants. I bow before the infinite monkeyness that you exude.

By the way, I was laughing so hard that I had to read the blog outloud to my boyfriend because he was wondering what was so fucking funny. Of course, he didn't understand. He is neither monkey nor zookeeper. What to do?

10/15/2005 11:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Jews for Jesus-I call them Christians"

Hey, no bogarting lines I used to deliver in Catholic school.

Zegna, Eames...dropping names like that, you'd have to add a glossary to this website for most people in the Midwest to figure out what the hell you were talking about.

Speaking of racial sensitivity, you dropped the G-word! One of my Jewish co-workers recently told me "goyim" has kind of a negative connotation when referring to us, well, goyim. I told her I didn't care, 'cause it just sounds cool.

Besides, another co-worker, also Jewish, was sitting right with us and she told the other that she never knew that.

10/15/2005 11:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Time for the 400 peso question! If you're a writer/director can't you bend the rules as far as clothing is concerned?

10/15/2005 11:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We do not dress up because we do not have to dress up why would you want to bend that?

10/15/2005 12:12 PM  
Blogger david golbitz said...

Amen and Mazel Tov, my Jewish Monkey friend. Hope you had a wonderful day of atoning for all the incredible Hollywood-type sins I'm sure you've racked up in the past year.

10/15/2005 6:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hermit of the Hills said: "btw: great language skills...with these german words you really quite shocked me (positively)... "

Sorry, but I have it on good authority that Josh is married to a German woman. Does that unshock you?

Keep it up, Josh, but do you find all these comments about pseudo-monkeys just talking about themselves disturbing?

10/15/2005 7:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I couldn't do the sweatpants because then I would have to pull off the whole Jewish thing (the body hair, kvetching, etc.) and by dressing up I just have to live up to the assumption I am gay. (And my wife has been nagging me to get back into shape anyway)

I hesitate to post at all, but I wanted to add my encouragement as we cross the point that the Literati will defintively pronounce you jumped the shark 8 months from now. I will continue to love your work then as I love it now.

Could you talk about the "artiste" vs the commercial artist in you.

Thanks again- and don't post any more frequently- You'll keep at great mystique thing.

10/15/2005 8:25 PM  
Blogger Peggy Archer said...

Nice!!

I actually LOLed at that one, too..

Hope you had a nice fucking atonement.

10/15/2005 10:28 PM  
Blogger anthony vieira said...

i only wonder if Mr. Hermit, who was watching The Big Lebowski by "accident," considers that a happy accident, like drew barrymore flashing dave letterman, or a bad accident, (like courtney love flashing dave letterman), because i love The Big Lebowski so much i capitalize it.

10/16/2005 8:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am hopelessly and undeniably in love with you... why the hell are you already married? If I could get anyone, ANYONE to talk to me the way you write, my clothes would be off faster than you can say "Snakes on a plane!"
Who knew the geeky writer guy in sweatpants could be such a turn on.....

10/16/2005 12:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, don't listen to all these raving lunatic fans. Seinfeld was great because they didn't make too many of them. Okay, bad example.

Anyway, don't listen to fans. Fans know shit. Keep waiting until we're all dying of infinite monkey withdrawal and then hit us with a fix.

PS. Posted while naked. Woohoo!

10/16/2005 5:13 PM  
Blogger Scoopy said...

The internet is now fully your bitch. And I want to bear your next child.

10/16/2005 10:32 PM  
Blogger D.A. said...

Groupies. Be careful Josh, persistent jock-riding and undue pressure on the genito-femural nerve can feel good at first but then its just damned uncomfortable. Its apparent, your groupies have failed to grasp the irony of their pre-teen tingliness for your every utterance. That in those fawnings, they sap you of your creative juice - the gump in you, born of rejection and not-getting-picked-for-the-squad-ness, is your life blood. Its much like America’s dependence on foreign oil- the rejection, the un-natural wanting, the unrequited courting - It amps up the desire, keeps your game tight.
Fuck your Prius! Don’t believe the hype Josh! Keep feeling your inadequacies. Keep thinking about that guy in your highschool that stuck every girl you almost got your sweaty little fingers on. Stay hungry, and keep rockin’ sweat pants bruh.

10/17/2005 8:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell me you turned Rob Scheider onto wearing sweats too.

10/17/2005 10:20 AM  
Blogger Roger Alford said...

This is the kind of stuff they just don't teach you in film school. Definitely worth the wait.

10/17/2005 10:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if i don't like sushi, can i still make it as a hollywood writer?

10/17/2005 1:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought the Deuce Bigalow III stuff was just a joke, but sure enough there it is on imdb.

How did you get this gig? Is it for the money, or do you feel you can bring something to the series that the earlier movies lacked?

10/17/2005 1:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fire and Ice - Fire has questions re the slice job that only you and Johnny W know - contact at fireandice1@gmail.com

10/17/2005 3:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I only nixed the sweatpants cause they're too hot.

That said, this post has given me a nice epiphany. I realized I've been listening to the zookeepers too much.

When reading Julia Phillips chapter about her meeting with Madonna over lunch to talk about "Dick Tracy" and the writer getting himself invited, then showing up in some weird outfit topped off with (bottomed-out with?) Bunny Slippers, I totally sided with Julia and Madonna thinking "who IS this guy?!" but now I understand...

10/17/2005 7:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...turning tricks at a Grapevine truckstop...

Are we talking Grapevine TX here? Because those lot lizards are a very rare breed.

10/18/2005 12:40 PM  
Blogger josh said...

Grapevine in CA...But I'm sure the one in TX is skanky enough.

10/18/2005 12:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jon Krakauer would wear sweatpants. I just wear a suit of spraycream. Works every time.

10/19/2005 9:02 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Of course. Jon Krakauer would never wear sweat pants.

10/20/2005 3:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jews for Jesus are nothing more than Christians. Everybody should check out scriptbandit.com

They have over 500 scripts and other screenwriter resources.

You can even send a text message to any US cell phone or submit your own script to the site!

10/20/2005 1:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't wear sweatpants in public because of the genital-bulge issue. Trousers don't do the same thing.

This is the best f*cking blog ever.

10/20/2005 7:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too have the "sweatpants in public? But what if I get a hard-on due to a pretty girl?" hangup.
I'm not a successful screenwriter (yet-- here's to hoping), but I do go to meetings with clients for a family business and my uniform remains: a pressed collared shirt with jeans, or a T-shirt with khakis. I'd probably do the same if invited to meet with movie studio executives, so maybe I'd be considered a square in the movie biz. I could deal with that.

10/21/2005 10:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, not a spammer, although it might sound like it, I found a website through another blog which tells the blog's worth in dollars, which is useless and fun, maybe you all know about it but what the hell, mine is worth no dollars, makes sense, but then I checked Josh's blog, over 130 thousand!. Damn Josh, way to go. Anyday now expect a Wall Street announcemente of "I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing Inc." going public. Ok, here's the link http://www.business-opportunities.biz/projects/how-much-is-your-blog-worth/ Damn it, even the url sounds like spam

10/21/2005 10:54 AM  
Blogger Ross Richie said...

Dude. Jordan Catalano reference.

Dude.

Best,
-R

10/22/2005 9:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Friedman,

I blogged about you briefly today in the Daily Dojo - you are one of me inspirations, keep chopping that verbal cotton!

10/22/2005 3:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He has written 1 post in the last 19 days. How inspiring is that?

10/22/2005 4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHERE ARE YOU??? I'm getting withdrawals symptoms! I know I know, you are an actual WRITER with an actual LIFE, but how do yo expect me to make it through the day without procrastinating on your blog?
I have re-read your old posts way too many times and I'm jonesing ....please return to us..... PLEASE!

10/23/2005 10:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I could see from the start that fresh entries are usually about a week or fortnight apart, so I know it is pointless to check in often. In this way, I am always rewarded by something new.

As for the sweatpants, I cringe, but I am relieved to know that the attire doesn't include socks (esp. white). I don't think Josh has said anything about his shoes yet, however. Nothing would be worse than sweatpants, white socks, and tasselled loafers. So, Josh: what about the shoes, eh?

10/24/2005 7:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Penny loafers, with dimes in them.

10/24/2005 10:06 AM  
Blogger T.A.N. said...

jesus. i was going to say something. but you just feel like a loser when you're the 60th comment.

or at least I do.

at least 60 is a nice round number.

10/25/2005 11:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha. Beat you.

10/26/2005 10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did Josh die...?

10/26/2005 3:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow almost two weeks with no Josh comments... Did you get carpel tunnel syndrome from writting too or maybe it was from spanking the crimson monkey.

10/26/2005 3:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Methinks he has drowned under the weight of your expectations.

10/26/2005 6:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh,

Have you gone David Chappelle from the pressure and wound up on retreat in South Africa? Or are you holed up in your new compound in El Segundo?

10/27/2005 6:24 AM  
Blogger Mrs Mopro said...

...my (and probably your) daily ritual...
checking out hucksblog, seeing "happy day of atonement" and
waiting for the next day,
checking out hucksblog, seeing "happy day of atonement" and being very sad.

i should say that the word accidentally was in fact used just accidentally by me in the context of having watched the big lebowski . ...didn't mean it seriously. and don't know how to deal with english words.

maybe josh is already busy working on his script version of this blog. question: how will your comments be represented in the movie?

i'm in fact delighted to hear that josh mingled his genes with german ones... i am proud.

10/27/2005 2:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh thinks he's Axl Rose, getting to the arena 3 hours late for a concert.

But we know how that turned out.

10/27/2005 3:09 PM  
Blogger Christina said...

What would you suggest a chick screenwriter wear to a meeting? Juicy Couture or Adidas? Or does it depend on how much yoga and pilates said screenwriter has done?

10/27/2005 9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Hi. Yeah, writers should look weird."

-- Josh Friedman on meeting me for the first time, Jan. 12, 1997.*

* This date is almost certainly in error, but the quote is accurate.

11/03/2005 10:46 PM  
Blogger Mommy Bunny said...

I write in my plaid flannel pajama bottoms, and they're more comfy than sweatpants.

Last week, I was in a hurry to get to the sitters, and I got out of the house with them on. I came back in and changed.

Thanks to your blog, I now know it's okay -- writers are supposed to look odd. Next time, I'm leaving the suckers on.

11/04/2005 12:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is one of the most amusing things I have ever read. Pure Genius! I agree with you about the zookeepers and their precious little Zegna power suits. I await your next post along with your many other fans.

11/09/2005 7:36 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

"My God I'm getting Russian just thinking about it."

If I had a blog award for seemingly excuseless, yet somehow perfectly executed sentences... that would have won it.

-Synthian

8/31/2008 8:50 AM  
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